I get so caught up in shit sometimes that I neglect this diary. I feel lik e nobody is reading it anymore and that I am dumping my words and expressions into nothing… it’s frustrating. I want people to read it… call me stupid… make comments… and relate.

Since the begining of the month I have been doing the same ol thing… work, sleep, gym… blah blah blah.

Things between Adolfo and I have been different with this schedule that has us moving in separate directions. I have been working Overnight 11pm to 7am while he bounces between Day and Swing Shifts. You can see where we might be missing each other in the scheme of things.

Tonight and tomorrow I am wroking a Swing Shift, but most of next week I will be fortunate enough that I am off a few days and really do not have to think about work so much. It will be nice to escape for a while. I find myself squirming and panicing a bit about where I want to be in life right now.

Adolfo and I are facing the end of our lease at the end of March and having to make decisions on…. do we move out and move somewhere in the world… do we do this together? I posed two plans to him in that area… that I move to Seattle this month and he stay behind. Then we use that time to decide if we stay together or not.

The other plan is simpler… we stay here in LV for a few more months and pay more bills. We stay in this apartmet a little longer… the rent has gone up 150.00 … ugh …

This week I got a wild hair up my ass and decided it was time to begin some of our Spring Cleaning. We moved furnture from bedroom to bedroom. Basically we moved the desk out of the Master to the 2nd bedroom and put a nice shelving until into the master… we managed to not set up the television in the bedroom either.

Well, I built this book case for the dining room to go on top of the Sideboard and it looked great before I loaded all the books and brick-a-brack onto it. Now I think it just looks kinda crappy and gaudy. I spent over a 100$ on it and am just crushed that it looks so bad. I took a picture that I will post from home tomorrow.

Anyway, no other real news. I hope everyone is good. I talked to Chippy in NYC for a while today and was thrilled. He’s such a cutie patootie! Talk soon!

I have a flood of things that are on my mind. Since the beginning of this year, I have been thinking about a lot of stuff. It is a concern of mine that life, since I left Boston, has been filled with a lot of turmoil and questions. The thing is that I have been running my life at the end of a rope. Even before I moved to Boston in some areas there have been behaviours that really need to be examined.

It is as if all those things and more are finally catching up with me and kicking me squarely in the balls.

I can hardly put it all together sitting here in the Venetian at the end of my business day wanting to post out on the Diary and descramble it all.

• Religious Issues
• Financial Issues with the IRS
• Feeling upset right now about my Sister who hates me
• Upset about my career path…
• … about my life path
• Doubting myself and my abilities all the time… directionless and angry.
• Being angry and defensive…
• Our Lease is up at the end of March… what will we do?

That’s just the surface. These subjects are swirling around my head like a tornado and are depresssing the shit out of me. It is interesting to listen to people talk about depression on t.v. or people talking about their own lives and I just want to smack’em! Between my own issues and that poor people that are suffering from all over the world.

Perspective is an allusive monster. Not just for me… ultimately it seems everyone.

• Now we are in the Age of Aquarius, the world is going through changes faster than I can keep up, huge changes. I think many American do not even guess???
• Did you know the poles are shifting. The north pole is moving over Syberia and it is said that soon they will completely shift. We (the US) will be the Southern Hemisphere!?!?!?
• The Palestinians Hamas is taking leadership in their country and are at a huge cross roads. Will it be Peace or WW3?

There is so much! The world is changing. President Bush is just the happless sock-puppet in the way … I can’t blame him so much for this shit as I can say… these are the times.

I am feeling much better now. Yes, daddy Allan, baby is all better. I am actually going to go to they gym after work and get some exercixe today. I am very happy about that since I have not been able to in almost a week. I have been soooooo sick.

I am also reading the “DaVinci Code” and am halfway through it after a couple days of reading. Very interesting…. so far it is a different than what I expected. I am just lapping it up!

I am about to leave work and am off the next couple nights! Yeah me!

Still sick… my life sucks. I am dying… somebody toss a daisy on my grave hole…. bwaaaaah!

I am sucking snot, fighting an itchy throat, pooping my pants… boy, am I pretty. Well… at lest I still have 97.5% of my humor. And I am dressed well. When I came in one of the guys yelled at me… he says I am on graveyard shift … I do not have to dress so nice!!! Well, (blush) thanks!

I look smart… grey 3/4 wool sweater, pin striped slacks, camel skin colored leather Steve Madden shoes and my matching Coach belt… smell me! Well, don’t i probably stink like NyQuil and Chloraseptic. Coffee and bad enchilades from the dining room.

At lkeast I am alive… well, for a couple more hours anyway. I am going to hit the bed as soon as I get home again. I tried that yesterday, too. I went right to bed… tossed and turned and tossed and then finally got up. Watched tv, drank some hot cocoa, played with the Poodle-Dog…. the basics. Still could barely sleep. I had already taken a dose of Tylenol Night Time at 8 so I waited til noon to take some NyQuil.

My first born child will be called NyQuila.

Just kidding… this isn’t the Morey Povich show. So, I am now just waiting to be able to go home because I get off in 20 minutes and counting as I type this lovewly tribute to my own fleeting sanity.

One more night to go before my weekend hits! Yeah… And maybe I will be healthy for it?????? Ugh!!!!

xo Lovers! I miss some of my freinds: Ed, Jeffy Jeff, Woody, Keith, Mo and more… 🙁

I am sick as hell… it all started the other day. I went to a party with Adolfo saying goodbye to his manager; she was a really cool chick. Anyway, this hot guy who works with Adolfo was sick and then… look what I got. At least if I got this hot guy’s cold/flu I could have really earned it! Damn!

I also invested in promoting my restaurant concept for a 3 month position on the web that investors look at. FundingPost.Com is a site I think I advirtised before… but I had a long talk with an guy who is an investor and he pointed out a few holes in my concept which really has me reeling. Not from the point of view of someone who is stubborn enough not to listen, but from a perspective that I have a good idea and I have to get someone to pay attention and believe in it.

www.BlueAngelCafe.com is my restaurant. It’s a great idea! I can make 5.6 million in a year and those are conservative numbers. All I need is 300k to get it going. Can you imagine? Well, I can.

Anyway… I have been updating my cooking site www.halonet.net with new recipes and articles. Check it out if you have time!

Adolfo is home sick now. He got this flu ting starting last night. I think he got it from me… this is an agressive little bug. I felt so bad even my hair hurt last night. Every fiber of my being hurt. I ached and wanted to die!!!!!

But, I feel a lot better now. Anyway…. take care all

Today is my Thursday and tomorrow I am going to be very busy with work because there is a special deal going on here that will last me all night long. I will be busy and my contributions to the site, my diary, and my prowling of gay.com will be sorely restricted. I may not be there for poor Allan so he can cry on my shoulder.

I told Allan he needs to hire an escort for his dirty little man-fantasies. I guess some guy from his gym tried to suck his dick one day and “Big Gay Al” got all freaked out afraid of catching a disease. Well, I got cudies! Ha ha ha… just joking.

Tonight I updated Adolfo and my MP3 players. I put a lot more rock on mine while Adolfo-fina likes his Madonna and other chick music.

Otherwise I have very little to offer the diary today because it’s been a little uneventful lately. I am making plans for stuff over the next couple months which will be very cool. I am hoping for a lot of very positive things to happen and hope peoples out there have the best thoughts for me. I always do for you…

I have been doing a lot of inner reflection as usual… this time I am also struggling with body image (worse than usual) and reality. I’ve never been too in touch with that: reality… but then again, what IS real? Ugh… we’ll try this again soon. xo

This has been sorta a wierd couple days. Yesterday I was in a funny mood. I doubt it was because I knew it was Friday the 13th, but overall the day was … queer.

I was in a mood all night and chatted on gay.com (screen name: scotters) through most of the night and talked with pretty boys and some ugly men. It was nice… but then my boss came in and I signed about – abruptly. I got my review… why do my review on this day???? It sucked. It wasn’t a bad review, but it pointed out how mcuh I did not want to be here working for someone who does not know me. YET, on some points, she knew me quite well. She should have fired me. I really think I should be fired.

I was restless after work and I went to the gym, but I did not accompish so much.

I was anxioous at home and farted around so much that I got to bed really late and slept until right before it was time to go to work.

I pecked Adolfo on the lips and was gone… having seen him 2 minutes.

Tonight I spent 4 hours trying to upgrade some of the security on my laptop and got no where with it.

I went to gay.com for a few minutes and went through e-mail

I updated www.halonet.net in my business section, front page, and my recipe book that I have posted there. It’s an excellent trout concept. I’ll be doing more this week. I want to make something fun.

After work I am off to the gym and I want to have a nice workout. I want to really work on arms, then do some good cario for my supa’ fat assssssss! Supa’! God, I am fat and I hate it. I hate it. I have gained 10 pounds for every year I have lived here. What the fucking patty cakes is up with that?~?~?~?~?

ugh

I know how I am … yest at the same time there is a lot about myself I either do not acknowledge or do not clue into. My family has told me stuff about myself on occasion that I either forgot or did not know. Some stuff about when I was a kid or my general personality.

Once I was worried about telling myUncy Ed that I was a big homo. I made a big stress-case over it. As I struggled to tell him he laughed and said said “for Christ-sake when you were 13 you came out and announced it to everyone…” I did not remember that at all.

My mom once corrected me about something about my personality and I was stunned because she was actually right. I wish I could remember the exact situation.. but it is things like that which add to my curious ideas about my perception of myself.

“Know thyself” someone said and I don’t. I get emotional. I get reflective. I get insecure. ME!?!?!?!?! I was a really strong character, but I have come to question a lot of my own decisions… I have also come to regret a lot of my decisions.

Regrets are for losers and I cannot be bogged down with them. What kinds of things do I regret? There are a lot of regrets with ex’s. I have lamented enough about those. I regret leaving the Air Force when and how I did. I regret a lot of financial situations I managed to get myself in to.

Anyway, I have been very emotional and reflective lately thinking about this year. 2006 has got to be better than 2005. I feel like there are a lot of changes coming my way and I need to really dig in and find opportunity… take some chances… and make some valuable choices for new direction and goals.

I decided to really make those changes this year. Even if they have to be hard decisions.

I may end up with some new regrets. but… I have to do something.