Recently I kvetched about my feinds issues and was missing a lot of people. When I was in Boston and when I was in Long Beach I had some really great freinds. Without a doubt I miss them all so very very much. Moreso because my freindships here have not been so successful. As well as any relationship I have tried to make in Las Vegas.

Often I day-dream about moving out of Las Vegas. I day dream about finding the perfect job. I dream that there must be oppurtunity for me in a life when I am worried I have let it all pass me by. At the age of 41 and getting chronologically older I have MANY regrets on a past of missed oppurtunities and options I failed to take.

Without a doubt, I have been extraordinarily fortunate with my ventures and adventures although they (as a whole) have not taken me further than where I am.

I am working backward since coming to Las Vegas: Backwards in career decisions and oppurtunities without clear avenues to start moving forward. Backwards dating someone I dated and broke up with 12 years ago when I lived in Long Beach.

Makes me wonder about where my brain is at. It seems clear to me that Las Vegas and I are upside-down on each other. I’m not strong enough right now to move on by myself.

I feel really insecure about where I am in life. Funny how life’s lessons have been especially with my move here. It’s like a non-stop beating and I feel like I am being beaten up by a little girl.

Humiliating!

Yesterday was my first day back to work from my 1.5 week long vacation. Ugh! I know most people hate their jobs…. I hate mine. I like most of the people I work with… some are linked on my freinds list on mySpace. We’re all such an odd bunch.

I have to help some people who are such idiots. You know I do Help Desk Support at the Venetian Hotel and Casino on the lovely Las Vegas Strip (Imagine a commercial voice on that introduction). I have to field calls from guests and hotel employees. Anyone who answers support calls can relate to the morons that call in… but to put out the level of customer service needed is a tought thing to do.

I need a new job… I have not had the KIND of job that brought joy to me like when I worked for HostPro and Cambridgeport Bank… those were the days and both of those companies are gone.

Re: Adolfo and I: we’re here. Our relationship is teetering though I am unsure how he feels. We’re on a rocky shore from what I can see and I do not know if it will get any better. I need a change and I think it will come within the next year. Together or not… I do not know yet.

I am so not into drama, though I think some people might think I am from reading this. In the last couple weeks I got some cool e-mails from people I never talked to before that actually come and read my diary! I think that is sooooo cool.

Please feel free to leave comments here: good, bad, or whatever!

XO

Today is the last day of Adolfo’s vacation days and I pretty much reserved the day for him. We really did nothing. I made a nice dinner, we had a nice lunch, we did a little shopping… and nothing else.

My distress at this relationship is mounting again. I think the longer you are with someone the harder it is to see the conclusion. I love him. I just need something else.

There are a lot of details I don’t want to put on here, yet I really need a friend to talk to. I miss Ed in Long Beach so much. He was always a good friend who dispensed quick fire advice. I never got the chance to lament with him, because he would never put up with it. Which was really a good thing.

My friends here have been so absent. Not that my record has been spotless, but the value of friendship is transparent around this city. Which is a mile of difference in Boston where freinds really bond there.

I miss having freinds. I would do anything for my freinds.

I miss Mikey. He moved back to Canada for good reasons and I hear he is doing really well.

Occasionally since turning 40 I have had some real crisis moments. I am distressed about which direction life is taking me and so far in Las Vegas I have been spinning in a circle. And it has been a wicked circle.

I’ve got a gun pointed at my own head, not literally, but in the sense that I have made some really bad personal decsions.

• Leaving Brian was one of the hardest things I ever did, but it was good for him in the long run.
• I should never have left Boston when I did.
• Moving to Vegas was a huge huge huge mistake.
• Staying in Vegas was another mistake.
• Getting my degree in Culinary was a huge mistake.

I miss Sam.

I feel like I am getting close to a breaking point. I feel like I am dead center of something I could call al mid-life crisis and there is no safety net beneath me.

My connections to people have been very precious, but they keep slipping away from me. My connection to Adolfo is blanketed by a big-stupid issue and a few little pitiful somethings.

I also miss Kaidy.

I miss Maureen.

I dunno… last night when the Apprentice was on I started thinking about how hot I think certain guys are and how much the current favorites (excluding Matt Damon) look similar. Lee is on the Apprentice on the current show and this week and last week he was filemed without his shirt on… OH HELL YES.

Andy was on 2 seasons ago and he was a cutie. Ya just watch some of these “reality” shows and you can feel like some of these people become a little more personal. I love seeing these guys and watching their antics on Apprentice. I am an addict!

Lee is a great guy, he’s spiritual, smart and charming. In spite of few short comings I think he is red hot.

Now… I hope he’s not bothered by this but Lior is someone I met on mySpace and I find him to be incredibly interesting. He is charming, sweet, and seems to have a good character based on his feedback in the BB I have been frequenting on mySpace.

Yeah!

There are days when one sees life twisted a little. Today was a really good day. I got permission from Adolfo to go to a pool party at the Blue Moon Resort and was able to relax and chill out. There were a lot of other fags in this clothing optional, men only resort with video room and sauna.

ha ha ha

The population was largely men in their late thrties and fourties, a second population of twinks, and some much older guys. There was a lot of ‘lookie me’ attitude from the twinks and klingon creepiness from SOME of the older guys. One fat slob tried staring me down and since I’m the toughest bitch in the flock he got no where.

Anyway, there was some fucking and sucking but in the end I sat by myself under the waterfal just looking at some of the people and thought about how different everyone is. I hate that. but, I have to learn to deal with it.

It was a good day for Adolfo and I to spend apart. We still do not know how the rest of the week is going to spin out… so we take this vacation one day at a time.

xo All!

I managed to put some bad mojo in the universe recently and have been suffering the last couple of days… usually by my own frustrations and issues. Today I blew my lid a couple of times and got so pissed off that I was literally shaking afterward. It’s all so fucking stupid.

When I get mad I get mad like a firecracker with a short short fuse. It’s lit, is does not burn but an instant, then bang. It’s ONE of the worst parts of my personality.

Anyway, yesterday was shit and today was shit. These are two days with a little amount of sleep, few activities of any importance, and then various frustrations that really challenge the soul. I was actually standing next to this womans car yelling at her at one point. She was so fucking stupid and I was venting like a guiser. The bitch almost sideswiped me because she was changing lanes without a signal and a cell phone on her (god damn!) ear. Turned out she had a kid in the car who was not even strapped into his seat properly… all I could do was walk back to my truck and drive off. UGH!

Yesterday I got mad because my on-line porn from www.aebn.com was not downloading properly. This site has all kinds of shit… some of it freaky… which I just had to watch and marvel at. WIERD SHIT… man!

I also have been spending a lot of time on the MySpace “Gay Men Only” BB where I have been meeting some of the most most amazing guys.

My previous rant was possily an extension of that because there is this guy named Lior on there that is phenomenol looking and just as charming… but he is 21.

My relationship with Adolfo seems to always be teetering on the edge of despair from my perspective. He has his life and I see where we have really grown together and then drifted in slightly different roads. In fact, he seems to really be blossuming here while my world seems stunted.

As much as I try and figure out how to get going in life again, I feel walls around me.
I am thinking about going back to school, but I am spiraling about the direction I need to be going in to. How in the hell do I assure my future when I do not even know where I am going?

I have never had a mentor, a guiding hand, a person who took an interest in my future and now it is too late. I am the only person responsible for me and frankly, that guy is a bit of a fruit loop.

So, you can see some of my dilemma.

One thing someone said recently is: “You see the world the same way you see yourself.” Which has been profound and thought provolking to me all day today. I can’t think of who said it to me in the last few days, which reminded me there is no one you meet in life you weren’t meant to meet and learn a little something from.

Hmmm… xo

I got an awesome e-mail today from someone who said they read my journal (Diary) often and I felt so good about it. I am right now going on 21 hours since I last slept and need to be ready to return to work tomorrow night. I might be a little delusional about now. Watched too much porn I think????

Vacation plans coming up soon. A wants to go to Palm Springs or San Diego while I want to go to New York or Orlando. BUT, someone farted around too long getting their vacation days approved (not I) so it is basically too late to buy plane tickets anywhere and I am too broke to think about it too much too.

It looks like it will be the end of the month when that happens.

OMG I can barely keep my eyeballs open. XO all, I think I met my end. Going to bed.

Things have been good with Adolfo and I. Let’s see how long this lasts. We’ve done this before wherein I was ready to bail on the relationship because of his shitty attitude and my self esteeem issues and then like a rubber band everything prings back in the opposite direction.

Somebody called me moody last night while I was at dinner with a group of people and I about passed out. Adolfo was sitting next to me with a huge HUGE shit-eating grin on his mug and we both started laughing. HE KNOWS THAT HE is the moody monster in this house! He knows he is SYBIL! SYBIL! SYBULL! eh, but I love him.

We’re planning on some vacation days soon but BUT I am frustrated because I have not bought tickets to anywhere yet. I wanted us to go to the North East… I’m not certain that will happen. Time is getting short.

I’ve been busy with some other projects and have not put much energy into my personal web site in a while. All the things about me and my creations seem to mean nothing to anyone anymore. I put effort into all this and it seems like nobody cares about my schtuff.

I’m tired and rambling right now so forgive me. xo

Last night we had a few guests over to help us celebrate our 5 years together. Which included the year we spent together in the early ninties. I think it all comes together.

So, I did not get much sleep yesterday. I passed out after breakfast on the couch and probably could have slept through a fire alarm. So, some smart ass aparently took a picture of me.

I was out pretty good, because Adolfo did a lot stuff and ran the dishwasher and nothing moved me for a few hours. I need more sleep before work tonight!

If you saw the pics on the cover then you saw we had a nice taco bar and nibbles. The cake was amazing! I buy it from Freeds Bakery and although it was not exactly what I wanted it was fab! 2/3 of it is still in the fridge!

I was really disapointed so many people were not able to come. Yes, it was a last minute thing, but fucking people can’t do anything last minute in this town. The only people to show up was the 1 other couple you see in the pic. We’ve known them forever though.

We exchanged some gifts. I boughht him one of the new iPods with video. He got me the Superman watch and a watch case we were looking at a couple days ago. Secretly, I was hoping he would buy me this white leather jacket I found.

Oh well… I worked hard. Spent 200$ on food… then ended up wrapping most of it up. Dammit.. but we watched ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’ and it was really good!

I have to say this is probably surprising after the last diary entry… but since then we have been rebuilding things a little. With him I get very very very frustrated and at some point we finally clear the air. Wierd how he takes me right to the edge and then SNAP were back to goodie goodie.

I was seriously ready to put his shit in the 2nd bedroom and call it quits! Let’s see how long this lasts. And, I think I finally got him a good gift. Finally!