So… Terry e-mail me the other day and he offers me some advice… offers but not really. He gives it anyway and I take it. He says I am bitching about something I can control by looking at the whole situation differently and making an effort to see the brighter side of the whole thingy. Yeah, he’s right.

I can control where and what I do/go in life if I put some effort behind it. I have 1 specific issue which could make life better for me that for a single reason I keep dragging my feet on which I can resolve if I start working on it. Get passed that and get to the next domino in the chain and things could get pretty smiley in the long road.

This is me being positive. How am I doing so far?

1. resolve a debt with the IRS plaguing me for 10 years
2. resolve one other minor tax debt
3. I want to go back to school
4. I want to leave Las Vegas
5. buy a house
6. open a diner or bed/breakfast

NO ONE HAD TOLD ME WHAT THEY THINK OF THE NEW ART…. I also updated www.halonet.net with some updated art here and there. I hope to do more soon! I need to give the whole bloody thing more attention!

News: I have been secretely writing again (no one is reading this are they?) and have written 2x300page books in the last couple months. I like the stories I wrote… I went from an idea and blossumed. When I was ready to finish book 2 I got an idea for a 3rd book with the same characters.

Well, that idea just grew and grew and grew into a long set of plots and sub-plots. I’m happy with it.

I have an idea for a book I have been slowly cooking in my head but have not applied to paper yet. Wonder what will happen with that.

I need a fucking job where I can do nothing but my own little projects through the day. I need to be a millionarie or something????

me me me me me me me

I am babbling again. Incoherant rants that have subjects all over the map… Terry will be displeased. Cathy will shake her head. Gary? Still out there? Allan? hmmm?

I havwe been thinking about my last entry into the ol’d diary here.

I love Isreali men. I really do… hot hot hot. Look at my hottest guys on page 1, at least 2 of them are nice skinny jewish boys and are way yummy. So, this whole Middle East thing is going to be a huge fucking mess. These Mulsims are going to bring nothing but chaos to an already messed up world.

Anyway, I can’t wait to do something positive with my life. I was thinking how much I personally have failed in my life. How hum-drum I have become and boring. I have a JOB with no potential for growth… but no one around me can see that. I have my freind Ed who’s worked at SCE for 20 frigging years now and OH MY HELL he is doing so well and seems so happy with it. I guess I should be counting my blessings.

I grew up with my Dad telling me I would never amount to anything. I grew up with him telling me I was nothing. He did his best to prove it to me and I think I developed this idea I needed to over-compensate for my life and so nothing is ever good enough.

With Adolfo, I have settled for a lot of things. SETTLED. I think he has settled for me too, and I know he can do a lot better than me. I love him a lot. Mostly because he takes good care of me and puts up with a lot of my shit. I still feel like I was to be on my own for a while, but how do you tell someone that? How do you tell someone you love you want to have some time-out for a bit?

I dunno.

I want to get out of Las Vegas very badly. I hate it here. I hate the trap I am in. I hate that I am feeling like such a complete loser that I am chokcing on my own regret and self pity. Oh, this is sickening. I got my fucking degree in Culinary for a reason and I will be damned if I can really figure it all out. FUCK!

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

BBC News has been talking a lot about the war between Isreal and Lebennon and I find it very depressing. It seems to include the “Disaster of Bush” in Iraq as well as the interferences with Syria and Iran. Largely the opinion is that this is sure to become WW3, which seemingly proves predictions of 2000 saying that the President elected that year will bring that war into reality.

Doomsday predictions are the wealth of the Christians, but I am to understand it may well be the call of the Muslim faith as well. Well, from my perspective anyway. Bringing a united Muslim commuity together sounds like doomsday because the faith I am presented with is fanatical and stunted.

Maybe we need WW3 in that region and let the strongest survive. Muslims not only slaughter wrescklessly but they also put their civilians squarely in danger. Yes they might get their united Muslim world, but it might mean only 10% of those assholes will be left.

Now, I know not all Muslims are the same. Not all are gun-wielding fanatics. But there are a lot of examples of the “bad” Muslim.

I have also wondered about G.W. and his deeply faulted logic on policy. Here were trapsed into Iraq because we were under the flase banner of weapons of mass destruction? Yet, here were faced by Iran and North Korea definitely working to produce these elements and we are so tied up in Iraq that we do nothing.

George Bush you suck. Nuke Iran! Nuke Syria! Let the fucking Iraqi’s kill themselves and if AlQueda start gaining power there, fucking nuke them too. Be done with that trash. Korea is a limp dick. We can deal with them after.

More later babies….

I found out today that people are actually still reading this thing. I wondered if anyone was paying attention anymore to the Book Of Uriel. It’s not like I have been giving it much attention or making any major updates. It used to be that I kept this thing maintained a lot. But, I just have been going in so many directions and putting my priorities in all different areas that I even walk crooked.

Sam was supposed to be here today, you can see him on my Top8 on mySpace, and is supposed to be staying for a while. I am looking forward to seeing him again and spending time with him. I think Adolfo will like him a lot and while he’s here I hope to see him getting back on his feet and going in a positive direction for life.

I love him very much. There is something about Sam that gives me support in my spiritual aspects of life…. he is a deeply spiritual being though there are some past issues in his life that I think pulled him away from those core values. When I first me him Sam was just a pisser… piss off as many people as he could. He is still like that, he likes to pull people’s chains and give them a doese of crap with no “mean” intentions behind them.

If he does come over and hang I look forward to his company. I’m SOOO not his type sexually. He likes young guys and boys. Dirty little monkey… check out his mySpace and you’ll see what I mean. That David boy on his mySpace is a little hottie sextoy himself. grrrrowl… but I’m just an old fat fart now. PooH!

This has been a nutty month. I drove off to see my dad on Wednesday in California and help him iwth a new computer he bought. It’s been a couple months since he had it and managed to get all kinds of crap on it he did not need. It was pretty cool seeing him.

My dad always favored my sister Lynn growing up and to some degree, so did my mom. It’s not imaginary or anything like that, just a fact I am content with at this stage of my life. There is so much history that I shall not bore you with.

So when I fired up his PC of course I see his WallPaper is a giant picture of him and her. ah… yeah. I pointed at it and gave my Dad so much shit about it. Walk through the house and see if you can find a single picture of me… but there are a few of her and my BEAUTIFUL nephews and neice. Who’s the favorite?

Imagine that crap I felt like as a teenager and stuff. I can say TODAY that I’m over it and mature enough to except the reality of it, but I have also seen the way my sister has acted over the years. I get reports from them all the times on the kids and I can’t help but think how everyday she was blessed with these fantastic kids.

It’s my understanding that my sister has told her kids that she had no brother. Her and I had a heated fight about 20 years ago which she tried to exaggerate to my parents, thankfully I do not think they believed her. She said some crap I can;t even remember which was a lie.

IT SUCKS! I would have loved to be the good uncle. I latch on to other peoples kids and give gifts and attention I should be able to give them. SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS!

Oh, and my clutch crapped on my truck and it cost US 1600$ Damn, that could have paid off my truck! Argh!
______

I am on occasion a bit of a hypocontriac (sp?). Thanks MOM!

A couple days ago I started getting an ichy throat and I was afraid I got food poisoning at first, but then I started feeling worse and it lasted a couple of days.

Then! I did what I always so when I get sickly. I started thinking it finally happened!!!! I have HIV … ichy throast, allergies, icky feeling… I must be dying. I start considering whether or not to take med, see a doctor, blah blah blah! It’s all HORSESHIT … I have allergies and there is a huge fire burning a few miles out of the city and I have been sucking smoke from it. Ugh! I am so much drama.

HIV???? I have known some excellent people who developed HIV. In the earlier years I think all have passed on. Ron died in 95 I think, a man I loved deeply and we were together a while. Erwin was a friend I met when I worked at Pioneer electronics… going to hid funeral was one of the hardest things I ever did. Eloy grew very bitter when he discovered he had HIV, but I lost touch with him because he got to be a very angry person; he and I sorta dated for a while.

GOOD NEWS is that I have a freind who IS HIV Poz and he is one of the most inspirational, life loving, life challenging people I have ever met. He’s been Poz a long time and if I were to become POZ (God forbid) I would want to walk in his shadow. XO

Once again I have managed to ignore and neglect my diary. When I think about the majority of entries on this in recent years they seem to have been the “bitch about Adolfo” or “bitch-bitch-bitch” pages. Doesn;t that just seem kinda negative?

So, this week Adolfo and I drove from Las Vegas to Lake Tahoe for my sister’s wedding. This was the best family event I have ever been to. Adolfo and I really had a good time and bonded a lot through this journey. It was awesome seeing the people I saw and I felt so much warmth form all of them.

Pictures will be posted soon. I have a ton of them!

So… in many of the pictures I look like a fat cow bitch from hell. So, as of yesterday I am on a new diet and plan on losing the weight. Mind you, since leaving Boston I gained 40+ pounds and am hating it!

I can lose the weight. I think that a lot of it because of my stress and frustrations in life. I had so much less when I lived in Boston! I have been torchuring Adolfo with the idea of moving out of Vegas again … but I know I have some stuff to do before we go there.

Okay… thanks Gary for the note about me neglecting my diary. It’s true… maybe I just got too comfy biching about schtuff???? xo

I have been poor in my updates on the diary. My energy has been going in different directions and alll and nothing has been directed in any really positive direction. I am so upsidedown these days that I am still in the same place.

I know it probably does not make sense. It’s late and I am getting ready for bed. Adolfo pooped out 2 hours ago after we watched the Bourne Supremacy. I watched Bourne Ultimatum last week and am obsessed with this sotry line that I am thinking it is time I read the books.

Cool news is that they are making the third movie; Bourne Ultimatum. This is according to Julia Stiles on a recent interview I was watching. I am so thrilled. I have come to terms that Matt will not eventually fall in love with me and support me as his live in lover.

Adolfo is well. We are winging this realtionship every week/ I am never happy and am generally a poop spinning in my own shit. I keep thinking I am going to leave everything (Adolfo, Las vegas, the damn Venetian Hotel) and move to Washington State. It’s just I have no balls anymore. Ugh!

Anyway… this is just a rant because I felt I needed to make an entry before bed tonight. XO

I just read the Newsweek article above about Mary Magdaline. As you know, I also recently read the DaVinci Code. As much as I know Dan wrote a great fiction book, there are factors about the whole Mary Magdaline thing that really bother me. It infuriates me that people like St. Peter and homophobe Paul effectively created a church with their own prejudices and disrespect of women. I have to wonder HOW I would feel about Christians and Women if they had accepted Mary as a respected apostle?

I believe whole heartedly there was a cover up and clear prejudice against females in the Christian church because.. well, that was the way of the day. We (humans) have used those same prejucdices over time against anyone we chose… including women, blacks, immagrants and queers… demonizing them.

For personal gain… for that matter! Why pay attention to Irag or the Gas Crisis when we can hate foriegners? – Bushisms

Iam not a person who particulary repsects women as a whole… I am being honest. I don’t think 90% of them belong in business and are capable of conducting business. I have known some really KICK ASS women in my day though… Rosa, Cynthia, and more.

But…. this is a seriously huge wrong on this planet.

Today is my Monday at work. Today is a good day. No real drama. Lot’s of good energy floating around… which is good. There is a guy at work I don’t like, but we are not butting heads.

Today I got up and I had Special K Red Berries and a Yogurt for breakfast.

Then I got dressed and went to the gym where I had a good workout. I did my sit-up routine, stairmaster for 30, treadmill for 20… I was soaking wet from sweat after.

I showered and shaved. No small feat because I am now shaving my whole body daily for that smooth, silky look. Feels good unless I knick myself.

Then I went to the tanning salon and microwaved myself for 10 minutes to finish with a warm and toasty glow.

Trotted off to work in the Venetian. Parking is always a bitch here.

Showed up at work and they had pizza here. Cold, old 6 hour past prime pizza that was completely unedible. I would imagine the health department would shit if they saw this.

Anyway, I hear they are supposed to be bringing fresh pizza later on… I’m not touching it. I am fat enough as it is and since I seem to be losing a couple pounds here and there I need any headway I can get.

Adolfo is well. We are okay. We still have big problems but we seem to be surviving them in so far.

I sent my mom her Mother’s Day thingy on Monday and she got it on Wednesday already.

I sent schtuff to my dad and step mom and I have not heard from them.