Today has turned out to be a really really really fucked up day so far. Last night I am told a freind of ours was killed in a car accident. There was a lot of emeotion last night.

Sam is struggling to move ahead and I feel like I don’t need to worry as much… he is a strong soul and can move forward.

This morning I get up and struggle to function… with one cup of coffee in my bloodstream my temperature indicator on the car goes off like an x-mas tree barely making it to work.

I am working alone through the morning and getting the shit kiked out of me here with a ton of issues popping up.

Ugh!!!! I go home in 20 minutes… yeah me!!!!

S

Well, this is a lovely week. I am in this state of change right now with life in general and it seems to be affecting me in general and causing this rippling affect. I drove to L.A. on Tuesday and picked up Sam from his parents house and now he is crashing in our 2nd bedroom. I am very happy to see him and he is cracking me up a lot.

I spent yesterday entertaining him, but I ended up entertaining myself with shopping and helarious laughter. I bought a couple paur of pants and some skin-product (that cost more than the 2 pants combined).

I made dinner, too. Cheesy spinach rolled in a chicken filet and cooked in a skillet then set on a bed of mash potato.

Anyway, I am looking forward to getting Sam rolling in life and getting on with my own shit, School starts 10/2 and it seems like it is going to be a lifetime especially at my age. I just need to be an old fart in a school of hot young twinks… oops.

Anyway, this was just a quickie. xo

Look cool!?!?!?!?! I amde some visual changes and updated a few piccies really quick. Yeah me!

It’s been a fairly quiet month. Being on my new schedule it leaves me with less time to screw around with personal stuff on the web and stuff. However, I did manage to get some new things on HaloNet. I managed to start reading a new book: “Angels and Demons” by Dan Brown. I also enrolled in school so I will be returning to education effective 10/2 and working on a Bachelor Degree.

So, you can see I have not exactly been idle. It does interfere with any travel plans in the forseeable future. I really really really wanted to go to NY and see pal Chef Ken in mid October. Then I decided to try and jet off to see him in SFO for the Castro Street Fair weekend… nothing worked out. Plus, Chef Keith is going to be in Grand Junction to see sistah Karen around the same time and I was hoping to make a visit.

Money is always an issue as well. I am extremely tempted to get a new car right now as people around me are getting theirs. My truck should be paid off in a little while (Nov) and although I have no complaints about it I am looking at some of these new trucks and droolings. The new Jeep looked cool, but I think I got over it. The HHR from Chevy is interesting???? I should be happy without a car payment for a while… pay some friggin bills.

Well, with school on the horizon and student loans pennding in the “oh my hell!” range, I should just shut up and focus on building SOMETHING for my future. Anything?

I still am thinking about relocating soon even if it means transferring schools in the interim because I am really over this whole Las Vegas thing. Than goodness the weather is startting to mellow out… summer is a fucking whore with fire-crotch man! It gets way to fucking hot and way to fucking dry here. barely any rain this year, too! UGH!!!!

Anyway… Adolfo’s upset because his second best freind just announced he was leaving LV and heading back to New Jersey (ew!). Love the freind, hate the state.

No other news. I am sure I will be writing more and you will see more things developing on my sites as I progress into school and life. Cheers for now. XO

I am watching Muriel’s Wedding right now and spent a good part of the day just doing things as exciting as that. Okay, I went to the gym earlier and watched a man try and lure me into a shower. I don’t know what the universe is doing today, but when I initially went into the shower area three of the gym’s biggest freaks were in there being freaky with each other… ew. They honestly looked at me like I would wnt to jump in… I left nausiated.

CHANGING THE SUBJECT…

So… on the way to the gym I called a few freinds of mine to come over for dinner. I have been holding a pork tenderloin in the fridge for a couple nights sitting in a tomato sauce. I bought some other yummy things to go with it; some brown mushrooms and baby spinach.

I cooked the mushrooms down with some onions and celery, splashed them with some dark rum, and cooked out some precuitto. I fileted a pork tenderloin and rolled it out into a big sheet. Then i laid out the mushrooms on it, layered the ham over that, then rolled it all closed. After tying it shut I pan seered the whole thing to get it nicely camelized on the outside.

The tomato sauce is an acid and breaks down the tough tissue. The intention is that the meat is sweet and tender. But, hell, never overcook pork because it will be awful. Everyone over cooks pork!

No one called me to say they were not going to make it. I figured they might check voice mail since this morning. But, no. I supose I can’t get too upset by it… no I could, but I won’t.

Annnnway…. Dad was here visiting yesterday and Adolfo and I went to see him. The day went well up to a point. Adolfo was so rude to me on a couple of occasions. I blew it off initially, but then it got to the point where I just sould not take it anymore and I turned off. I just shut down rather than deal with him a minute more.

Ken, my hot Bahama Chef pal, says “leave”. It’s not that simple… or is it? I seem to have this parade of failed relatiosnhips and the common thread is that they lose repsect for me. I know I don’t deserve it.

Long story… all my own fault. Right Brian V??? I have been thinking a lot about ex’s and how much I still love some of them. If I feel love for someone, freind or lover, it stays strong inside of me. If I love someone it’s the most honest expression of my soul that I can give.

Brian: (who never reads these things) I loved you so much. We were like oil and water, but I loved you anyway.

Frank: a love that faded because as much as I offred love and freindship it was never accepted. I was never privy to his feelings. Big Daddy was his nickname (guess why) and he happy in Long Beach probably or somewhere fabulous.

James M: in Northridge Ca… I was still not good enough.

John: I hurt him and I was wrong.

Ron: whom I loved so deeply, but I fled because it was all going so wrong. Then you died and 15 years later I still think of you.

Michael C: the loving neighbor boy.

That’s just a few people. The ones I thin of most out of the ex’s category.

Maureen: fried and gal-pal

Rosa: miss you so much.

Cynthia: I wish we never lost our paths.

This rant is getting out of control. So, I end it here. Terry, Sam, Woody, Keith and so many more should be in here as well. People come into your life, touch something, then vacate sadly.

So… as mentioned in previous entries I groused enlessly about hao mizzzzerable life is on occasion and how I am stuck in big rut! Well, I also mentioned I guess I was the only person that could change that. So I decided to go back to school for a while and see where that takes me.

I still have a variety of other goals which are written down at home on a chalk board where I can see them everyday. It seems to be a help psychologically speaking, and with the days I am taking off from work this week hopefully I can make a dent. My finances are a little tight only because I realized how much I have been overspending, and wasting in general.

I decided to cancel my www.wineofthemonthclub.com membership because it was about 30$ a month I did not NEED to be spending especially since I do not drink THAT MUCH wine. I get two bottles a month from them… got two bottles a month. I cancelled a membership to another website for business schtuff.

This week I did a worksheet of the last 6 months of spending and … shit! In February I spent 950.00 on dining out. This was the month of Adolfo’s birthday. I know that cost me about 400. Ugh… BUT… on the average we have spent at least 1K$ on food with groceries or dining out. What the hell? Anyone wnat to wonder why I am so damn fat?!?!?!?!?!?!?????!!!!?!?!?!?!

So, now it is time to start triming costs where possible. Trimming calories. Trimming impulse purchases. It’s a time for a little conservation and achieving goals. I asked Adolfo to work on getting his DL by 9/15…. so far not a thing. Maybe he is waiting for me to trim my waist line first.

Since my last posting I have received several notes from peeps who checked out my pages… so with great relief I know people are actually stopping by on occasion. You all have not completely forgotten me… 🙁

Alas, I have created of TO DO’s on the chalk board at home that I need to get some results with. Among them are some of my key issues that I have been grousing about for … years. I have this theory that when I take care of my IRS issues that my quality of life problems will increase greatly.

I do not recommend to anyone to allow themselves become indebted to the US Gov’t because they will abuse, rape, and bankrupt you in so many ways as a result. They make loan sharks and mafia look like sweethearts. Plus, just the pressure of having that debt can really ware a person down.

Anyway… I am still looking at trying to improve life instead of grousing about it any further. This year I think I will make positive changes for myself and myself ALONE… well, Tom too.

I’ve asked for help from freinds and family in the past, but no one was willing to help me get going. I beleive that as long as I have this debt I can’t buy a house, own land, have investments… I want these things. I want a life. I want to be happy.

I have nothing to say.

How unusual! I can;t type either. So… I am taking a few days off later this week and my dad is coming into souther Nevada for a little trip next weekend. Adolfo and I are going to drive out and see them, have lunch, shop, etc…

I’m keepin busy and the usual schtuff. Been thinking alot about the future and plans and feelings and directions and goals and more stuff in my ADD brain.

1. Terry e-mailed me not long ago about how ‘a person’ can improve their world by making a conscious decision to be more positive about it… like refusing to focus on the negative. It works, but in short bursts. Really, a person has to figure out what will make them happy and figure out IF THAT WILL REALLY make them happy instead of deluding themselves; make a list and make the changes needed to improve ones life no matter how painful they might be in the short run.

2. Moving to the Northwest… I am ready to leave tomorrow. Me and Tom in the truck and gone. I think I need some time on my own from Adolfo and we need to figure out if we really want each other. I love him a lot, but … there is a ‘but’ in there which … well, details are too gruesome to get into. Gruesome? Boring! But basically he and I have issues and if ANYONE reading this is surprised… welcome, you must be new!

3. Quitting my job…. I literally hate my job. I’m not qualified to do anything else but cook. I have no $$$ so I do not have cashoola to do what I actually want to do (see www.blueangelcafe.com).

I’ll write more later… Scott

This is my third day on my day shift and I think I like it better. It is a little on the boring side, but at least when something needs to get done I can usually achieve it. I have to deal with some people I would rather not see, but they are all not bad. Some of the people I work with are really nice to work with. Some mean nothing to me, while others (a few) make an effort to go up my nose.

I have this new attitude I am trying to consciously put forward: Warm & Fuzzy. At least until I quit here. I am so over this job… but I am so very ‘neich’ as it were. (Spelling not graded please). I can do this job easily enough and I have some good structure. Much better positioned since coming to this shift because people can see HOW I work and how I manage calls/information.

Re: Adolfo: I have been getting upset with him a lot lately and my patience level is pretty thin. Although I know it’s not all his fault, I feel that our relatioship is making some turns and it is very possible that we are starting to head in different directions and needs in life. For a long time I could not pciture growing another day older without him… that vision has changed and I am starting to feel more and more that I need to make a major change in life.

Our two incomes are pretty sweet and make for a comfortable lifestyle, I would say. I’m not sure that’s all of what I need … escpecially my waist line.

One of the things that has me so unhappy in general.. I have to admit this openly… is that since leaving Boston I have gained 50 pounds! What – the – FUCK is that???? We have this tendancy to eat out a lot and even the sihes I make at home are often less than completely healthy. Ugh!!!! absolute frustration….

I have been hearing lately that I have a tendency to overreact to things? I’ve been getting this meeage from a variety of directions, not all realted to the same source. It may also be an answer to some of the feelings and reactions I have noticed from myself.

Lately, I have been taking small problems and feeling like they were big things and it makes no sense to get that pissed off at little stupid things. I cannot understand myself anymore and am wondering what I can do personally to make those feelings different.

I hate my life as it is today. I am not doing anything that makes me feel good. I hate my job. I hate working for the people I work for. I hate this company. I hate all this… it’s like a giant step backward with no conceivable direction to move forward in.

I want to cook, but I do not want to be a kitchen monkey for no pay. Cooks are lucky to earn 10$ an hour in most kitchens. The hotels pay more, but this is not my calling. IT is what I am doing for my main source of income right now… this Help Desk stuff sucks like hell.

Bitch bitch bitch…. that’s all I ever seem to do anymore. I am so over it… I open my mouth and all this negative shit pours out. Look! I’m being negetive about being negetive. I’m Eore all of a sudden. Ugh!