One day from school… so far it’s not a place I am looking forward to being at. My $$ for school is quickly running out and I am looking at the chance of not being able to finish unless some miracle happens. I have been looking at myself and where I am going with all this study. Adolfo asked me if I was actually going to go out and work with this education… I am wondering if I can.

I literally feel like I am so behind although I have learned so much. I feel like because of my age that I cannot compete with people who are younger and more apt to understanding the whole picture. If there is one benefit, the younger ones seem to be too stoned – drugged up – or just so over confident that it clears the path for me a little.

I want to feel productive again and I want to feel accomplished. These 3 weeks of behind out of school and work have been restful for some part, but the rest is all stress and worry.

I hear a violin playing somewhere… oh well.

I woke up about 4 am this morning so stressed out and worried about everything. This is not my first anxiety attack here. In as many as 3 previous occasions I have gone into some meltdown. I moved to Oregon with goals in mind and since arriving I feel most of these goals have been steam rolled and smashed. I am worried…

I went to the school yesterday and it was an absolute disaster. While I was speaking to the school adviser it was becoming clear that in spite of my grades, in spite of my focus, I am behind educationally compared to the other people here in Portland. I can see exactly what he is talking about giving what I know versus what he said I should know.

No job as of yet and no income. I’m sitting here going broke and feeling like this could become something horrible. Certainly something has to happen. My resources are drying up and even if I just gave up and packed it all in and took off to anywhere else I could not afford it.

I feel like just giving up.

Oregon is lovely and there are some really nice things about being here… the weather, SOME of the people, and that some of my family is here and I really like everyone a lot. I have a nice space that I live in. I’ve met a couple of nice people and there is one in particular who has been of particular importance.

…this trip and move has been a dismal failure so far. I wish I had faith that it would improve. I am very very worried. S

So, I talked to Adolfo on the phone today and it was kinda weird. Other than the fact I woke him up, I can’t help but wonder what he is thinking. I know I missed him a lot. I have wondered about if I missed him, his company or the fact that I just had someone there with me. I have to say, most of the time, that we had a really nice time with each other.

I have been so busy swirling around in my own shit here that I have not given myself much time to think about things. It’s better that way though I have had a couple small melt-downs… not to mention the anxiety attacks… that I may have done the wrong thing by coming here.

My parents have been really worried about me. I am a little pissed though, because when it comes right down to it there is no one that will come to my rescue if I get behind. My budget for the month is way tight and unless I can make some money I am going to be screwed hard… and not in a good way.

Ugh! I am just counting on good thoughts and good luck. xo all!

Here I am having spend my first night in my bed here… last night I slept on the floor and Tom seemed nervous the whole night that this was all some horribly bad dream. I swear he looked nervous. But, today he seems much more at east and relaxed. He slept solidly since last night.
This is the old place… above. Tom looks happy, huh? You cannot imagine that I had so much shit that I transported across three states and even in the new place that I am leaving much of it in the boxes.

The road less traveled… what a long ass drive!
Tom was my co pilot. As you can see, there is grave apprehension on his face. We were on a bridge that was way high over some lake below.

This should be Mt Shasta… I could not seem to get the camera right when driving. Mind you! Every hill was a death sentence when I was driving that u-haul piece of shit. The transmission kept slipping and I had to throw it into neutral to keep it from burning itself out. ugh!
This is the view from where I am sitting as I type this. It looks out over a large park with a place for kids to play to the right and to the left is a concert area with live performances starting on 7/11.

so, moving day began this week and i am still still – still in las vegas trying to get out of here. by all means i should be able to leave here before lunch tomorrow. i am right now operating on the barest amounts of energy i can manage.

totla drive time is about 20 hours. i am still not quite certain exactly which way i am going into sherwood, but i need to get my ass moving. thoe shortest way possible. you should see Tom-dog because he keeps looking at me as if asking “what the f#@%????” He’s been such a good boy!

tomorrow adolfo is coming to help me out. god… dear god this has been hard. so far this has been the hardest thing… this is literally killing me.

this will be worth it… this will be worth it… this will be worth it… repeat.

sucks.. well, i gave up for the evening. i just took a sleeping pill, will take a shower… and then get an early start in the morning.

So, yesterday was my last day at the Venetian. It was an awesome day, overall, that many people were sincere and sweet about their well wishes. I got a lot of very nice e-mail AND was given a beautiful cake and lunch thanks to Chef Long in the Pastry Shop as well as Chefs Enrigue in the Garde Marge (spelling?).

Wow, that was beautiful, huh? Almost that whole cake was eaten. It was 6″ tall or taller… amazing! I was so touched by the people in the Pastry shop I used to work with. I can go in there any day and exchange hugs with anyone I used to work with.

I wish I could say the same about more than half the people in I.T. at the Venetian. BUT!!! Most seem genuinely happy to see me making a change… or was it that they were just glad to be rid of me. In a couple cases I know that was true! 2 people danced a gig when I left and I’m glad they were happy. I’m happy too! (snicker snarl glare sniff poo!)

I cared a lot of those people. I really liked a lot of the people I worked with and tried hard to be seen as an asset to some key people. I tried too hard and there was a point where I realized that it would never happen and as long as I stayed at the Venetian I was not going to go anywhere. As much as I wanted to advance and really contribute… I found out that there was nothing there for me anymore.

I worked longer with the Venetian than any company before. I learned a lot. A few snakes in the garden will not ruin the good experiences I had… I guess it just taught me not to take people for granted or place faith in the faithless. oh,whatever! ha ha ha ha…

Love you Deb! Shari! and so many others!!!! I kept trying to make a list of the top people I would like to throw a shout-out to but I kept realizing I might forget a key name. argh…

Adoflo
We went out for dinner a couple nights ago and pigged out!!!! Red Lobster… I love love love seafood. It is nice being with him. Being with Adolfo is familiar, warm, and cozy. Things have changed between us and although I recognize it… it’s sometimes hard to come to terms with.

I am wearing my ring again (see past entries about teno rings). I am wearing it because I am coming to terms with the mistakes I have made in my last 3 or 4 or 10 relationships or so. A part of me says… I don;t want a relationship again. Yet… there is this highly dependent part of me that wants to get involved again.

I am worried about the people I have met or come across so far in Oregon. I guess I imagined more laid back attitudes up there and yet… I am finding a lot of type “a” nut jobs so far. Control freaks and obsessive-compulsives! What the hell??? Yet, there have been a few nice people and some nice chicks I met through my roommate posting. What the??? Did I say chicks????

Another long, boring entry. xo All!

After a long winter, a long dead silence, I am coming to terms with the end of many things. Chief among them is the fact that Adolfo and I have separated. He moved out a couple days ago and is settled in his new apartment. The bizarre thing is that he is back where he lived before we got together.

I took him shopping yesterday to get supplies and it felt good being with him. Yesterday was also my last day of school for the quarter. And in one week I am moving… to Oregon. I am so stressed and I am looking at being broke and starving… okay, that was dramatic!

Well, I thought I was going to be able to deliver something profound tonight and in the end I feel like I have nothing willing to come out. Maybe next time… Tom looks bored!
The new back yard… courtesy of Eddie Eggman…. Thanks Eddie… Tom will poop here!

I have taken this week off from work because this was also the week I was off for school. It was all just time… just time to allow me to get some inner perspective and time for me to think about the future. Life, as it is in this moment, could be a lot better. Although it could be a lot worse, I’ve taken some inventory.

It’s nothing profound to say that I have changed a lot in the last 10 years with “maturity” of mind and body. There is still a part of me that is very impetuous and impulsive. There is still a part of me that is unhinged by the passing years. At least I started preading out my mid-life crisis early on.

I’ve come to realize again that my current job is not a good fit for me at all and some of the poeple there are so destructive that staying much longer would be disaster. I thought about just quitting. I thought I had a good chance at a promotion, but alas I also discovered that I was the only one who really thought so. My manager at work told me that I had the job and played with my feelings on it… he’s a liar and I am just through trusting those people.

This is my 3rd burn from the same manager.

So, as I lament here one more time I also have to prepare myself for a new school quarter starting Monday and a means of fixing my schedule which is still all jacked up. xo

I know I have disapointed some people because I have not been as forthright in getting my diary updated. I have had less time. Life has been respectable and though it is tough at times, I seem to be managing better than a lot of other people.

Well, there is a sense of catharsis I also got from writing here hat I have not really experienced in a while as well. Some of my thoughts can’t work in this diary because of the vulnerablity that I have here. This diary is on my personal site; where my resume, art, and other personal things are located.

So, I feel like changes are coming.In the past I have not heeded those feelings and let them pass. Although decisions were based on security, jobs, time of the year…. we stayed to keep earning money.

Yes, I said “we”. I do feel like I could use some time on my own for a while… and FAR from Las Vegas. I try thinking of WHERE I would go… although I think of Seattle I can’t imagine how well I would do there and if I could with Adolfo. He is a good guy and I love him a lot.

hmmmmmmmmmmm….