So, I drove into Portland today to take care of some personal business and in spite of my google maps driving plan I got really lost. I drove through the City Center of Portland. It is so beautiful. The city looks great and I can;t wait to explore it better.

Believe it or not,I was so lost that I found what I was looking for. I ended up on a road that I could not turn around on and after driving on and on I ended up right where I needed to be.

Roads and streets are lined with pine trees and green green stuff everywhere. As opposed to Las Vegas where there are dead things everywhere.

Now, I have been trying to achieve some romance here. It’s been a disaster extreme. I met a guy who I really liked; he was so ideal that it was unreal. He was the definition of what I lust for: 25 years old, skinny, asian and smooth, slight hair, and hot naked! Anyway, he suddenly freaked out on me when we talked about dating after seeing each other for much of 2 weeks and left me cold.

Almost every attractive (what I think is attractive) guy I come across on the net has some kind of hangup or whatever. Event though words like LTR, relationship, and commitment come up on the ads or postings it seems like they really want is an Ambercrombie and Fitch Model with a 2 ft long cock and is on some kind of anti-depression meds. give me a creak…

I’ll get out there more. I’ll meet someone nice, normal, and less baggage. Right?

what sucks is when I have to admit Adolfo is right. we talked on the phone today and he pointed out to me saying: “you know we are not together anymore, right?” Yeah, tiger – I know. I miss him and I enjoyed his company a lot as we were together, but the end of our relationship was a decision we seemed to mutually agree on. I know he was unhappy for a variety of reasons and so was I. So, we’re clear…

What sucks is he was right about a lot of things and knows me really well. I am seeing that moving to Portland the way I did was a huge mistake. I thought it out okay, but the landing was… well… it’s like that gymnast that misses the beam and takes it to the crotch.

I need work. I need a job. I need friends. I need a social life. I need to go out for dinner and have a cocktail. It will come together… it must!

BTW: If you’re reading this and are thinking about dating me, close now!

I’ve had a headache the whole day. I stared my homework late this morning and got through some of it. Meant to be more ahead of the whole business by now. As usual my distractions got the best of me.

My mom called earlier today asking me questions about the job search. Not like I don’t have a ton of things on my mind already, but she is just so off the mark. “She worries for me”…. yet neither of my parents are really supportive. Not to get me wrong, I think they respect the decision I made but not the way I went about it. Both of them aren’t thrilled.

Yet, I am still trying to get squarely on my feet and I am not excluding any resource for it. I am very lonely and have literally spent too much time looking to make connections and really making none. I talk to people on-line and have been interested in a couple here and there, but it just fizzles faster than limp weenie. ew…

The day after I got here I met a guy that was just too much to believe. He was amazing, but young. Too young! He hung out a lot then got freaked out and vanished on me. I was fine with it because he was only 25 which means he was a whole adult younger than I.

I hate being alone. Yes, I have my uncle and cousin right upstairs but it’s not the same. Those two are entrenched in their lives and they have opened the door to me 120% – ya know – and I … I still feel lonely.

Adolfo was really awesome company over the years and we meshed well while we were together. I miss him, ya know, but so much has changed. I feel like I need to go through this, but this is friggin’ hard. I will survive and I will flourish.

Nobody read this who find me attractive, because this diary will ruin it. xo!

i am in school again as i write this… between classes. i am trying to do things that improve life here in portland… i.e. get a job or some source of income. so, i am trying to use every resouerce i can… just trying to get something i am not going to hate or be miserable in. my goal is NOT to be that way… so it helps not to apply for those kinds of jobs?

i am in school for a lot of the day. this morning’s class was Typography2 which looks like it’s going to be a smooth class and I’ll enjoy it. the instructir is dull as dishwater but what can I say… can’t complain. no point in it, i’d say.

next i have some digital design class and i am still uncertain what all of that will involve. but, hopefully i can keep up. i have a feeling i will be missing some things from AiLV. i have since discovered i am missing a lot of things that i should have learned there. NOW! keep in mind tis is what i am being told by my advisor but i have seen no real evidence.

my tuesday class is a beginning programming class. the language is python which should provide me the groundwork for learning javascripting next. i’m going to take whatever i can from here.

i am thinking about all of that, too. i am considering the idea of picking up and moving back to las egas within the next year to finish my degree there. see, there are issues going along with that. you need 180 units to graduate from here and 192 units to graduate from there. it’s all about the regions.

oh, i had dinner at the Whole Foods market acrosss the street. I had curried chicken and rice with something called a samosa. the samose was good but the chicken was way bland. way bland.

at this point i am writing just to pass the time because class does not begin until 6. it’s 5:30 according to the clock on this MAC computer… i am just sitting here pretneding i am talking about my favorie subject to Deb over lunch. What’s my favorite subject… oh Deb knows. ME: you silly bitches!

i’ll post more another time when i have less time on my hands… yeah right. look!!! i have been posting amost nightly and no one cares… BWAAAAAAAAAAH! cow!

Today started off very nicely and being the first day of school, I can say with a great amount of relief that it was good. My first class was my first programming class. The instructor was a guy with a good sense of humor and was a bit on the nutty side.

So, I can say I feel more positive and am trying to stay on track with life in general. I started going back to the gym and fortunately, they are a HELL of a lot cleaner here than LVAC on las vegas. Ew!

I’m still hopeful and trying to be positive. xo

Another day passes slowly into twilight and I am nearly ready for bed. I struggle to remain positive and hopeful that this move was a good idea. Not entirely sure so far.

Eddie and Diane are a blessing and an eye opener. Without saying too much, they are living lives I can and cannot relate to. Would I like to be in the same situation, no. This is because I need to feel like I am moving in life and I feel like they are not moving at my pace. I’ve always had a vision of my “identity” which I began losing a few years ago. Next thing I knew I was a ping-pong ball in a field of unclaimed goals.

I’m lost and feeling like I am losing my direction more and more. So, here I sit in Oregon. After Sam’s entry (see previous blog) I realized I was floundering in my own self pity so badly that it was producing anxiety. Odly enough, when I stopped fixating on it it seemed like the paths was starting the clear somewhat… a little less fog on the path of life.

God help me… Sam too… ha ha ha

Sam wrote an interesting piece today on his mySpace blog that seems to strike at home following my previous entry from earlier this morning. I wanted to write something to tell people how distressed I am over the circumstances I am in… literally wallowing in this self-pity I have been feeling since arriving here.

Wierd how the universe hits you in the nuts once in a while with these kinds of sign-posts on the road of life. My horoscope, which has been WIERDLY accurate lately on MSN, gave more hope to my perspective:
“Reach for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, dear Capricorn. It is closer than you think. Indeed, your dreams are completely within your reach, and there are huge forces at work helping you out to achieve your goals. You should find yourself in a quite favorable mood all day, and people will be more sensitive than usual to your emotions. Let your fantasies lead the way.“

Is the universe speaking again? I had to wonder about what my perceptions have been telling me because I swear I felt a strong energy bringing me to this part of the country. Unfortunately, I have been having one panic attack after another about the situation. These signals along the way I thought was something I misread and I was heading to a path of peril.

I have a more positive view quite suddenly. The psychic ties to Sam are just shocking to me sometimes but whatever the universe is telling me I am going along for the ride. I need prayers and positive wishes all!

xo… love you Sam

One day from school… so far it’s not a place I am looking forward to being at. My $$ for school is quickly running out and I am looking at the chance of not being able to finish unless some miracle happens. I have been looking at myself and where I am going with all this study. Adolfo asked me if I was actually going to go out and work with this education… I am wondering if I can.

I literally feel like I am so behind although I have learned so much. I feel like because of my age that I cannot compete with people who are younger and more apt to understanding the whole picture. If there is one benefit, the younger ones seem to be too stoned – drugged up – or just so over confident that it clears the path for me a little.

I want to feel productive again and I want to feel accomplished. These 3 weeks of behind out of school and work have been restful for some part, but the rest is all stress and worry.

I hear a violin playing somewhere… oh well.

I woke up about 4 am this morning so stressed out and worried about everything. This is not my first anxiety attack here. In as many as 3 previous occasions I have gone into some meltdown. I moved to Oregon with goals in mind and since arriving I feel most of these goals have been steam rolled and smashed. I am worried…

I went to the school yesterday and it was an absolute disaster. While I was speaking to the school adviser it was becoming clear that in spite of my grades, in spite of my focus, I am behind educationally compared to the other people here in Portland. I can see exactly what he is talking about giving what I know versus what he said I should know.

No job as of yet and no income. I’m sitting here going broke and feeling like this could become something horrible. Certainly something has to happen. My resources are drying up and even if I just gave up and packed it all in and took off to anywhere else I could not afford it.

I feel like just giving up.

Oregon is lovely and there are some really nice things about being here… the weather, SOME of the people, and that some of my family is here and I really like everyone a lot. I have a nice space that I live in. I’ve met a couple of nice people and there is one in particular who has been of particular importance.

…this trip and move has been a dismal failure so far. I wish I had faith that it would improve. I am very very worried. S

So, I talked to Adolfo on the phone today and it was kinda weird. Other than the fact I woke him up, I can’t help but wonder what he is thinking. I know I missed him a lot. I have wondered about if I missed him, his company or the fact that I just had someone there with me. I have to say, most of the time, that we had a really nice time with each other.

I have been so busy swirling around in my own shit here that I have not given myself much time to think about things. It’s better that way though I have had a couple small melt-downs… not to mention the anxiety attacks… that I may have done the wrong thing by coming here.

My parents have been really worried about me. I am a little pissed though, because when it comes right down to it there is no one that will come to my rescue if I get behind. My budget for the month is way tight and unless I can make some money I am going to be screwed hard… and not in a good way.

Ugh! I am just counting on good thoughts and good luck. xo all!