After everything yesterday I find myself expereincing a lot of reflection. In fact, some might say I am looking back. What causes that is this… this year my outlook on WHO I am has been challenged often. In recent days I’ve been told by a few people that I am a self person who thinks only of himself. I’ve been told I am a mean person. I have been told I am responsible for drama. I’m not thinking of people around me and the results of my actions. All of these things combined … by the important people saying them … you might start looking for the 666 birthmark on me somewhere.

Look inside… is evil incarnate present?

Good morning world… evil here. I’m going to start by going by the pseudonym “Dr.Evil” … doctors get paid more. So, I present myself and open myself up to say that through all of this I can only be the best person I can be. If you find me harmful, then you’re probably best off without the persecution of my company.

Oh, that sounds sarcastic.

So, if I am evil incarnate then let this be my angel …

I found this picture as I was looking at some of my stuff. This is how I looked when I first met Adolfo in 1994ish… that pic in the background was from a magazine called Provacatuer. I liked that model. I was working for Los Angeles Cellular Telco back then. I think life was pretty good back then… I look so happy, bright, and trim.

I took these pics 5 minutes ago and looked at them… I look like dog shit. OMG look at how my eye lids are half-masted and the huge highway lines around my mouth. Good F’in Christ I look like hell.

“Do you want to explore new horizons, dear Capricorn? If you’re keen to plan a trip, you must first decide where and with whom you’ll go. Or, you might find that you want to adopt a new hobby or recreational activity. You could take up a new musical instrument, perhaps, or learn a new sport. You’re full of ideas and plans today, but it may be hard for you to flesh them out. Try to choose a single direction and follow through on it!“

I am thinking about driving up to Seattle for a day with Tom. I want to drop in on a few people I know up there. Chef Hoffmeister is up there, another guy I know, and another guy in Olympia. Just people I want to see.

One of them tried giving me advice last night on the phone. He says I should just cut off people like my mom and others who are making these demands on me. I’m thinking… “it’s my mom!” Well, he cut off his family and now feels like its what everyone else should do. I can’t wrap my head around that.

Gary posted a note in the previous entry (see comments) where he said I was over thinking everything. My God, all I can do is think about this stuff. I am officially overwhelmed and am drowning. Sinking…

Between all the words I am reeling and feel like I need to pull back – from everything. I want to be around friends, but I swear I am starting to seriously wonder what the hell that means. I have absolutely no one I can rely on.

It feels like NEARLY everyone has an agenda. Gary and Chippy all live far off and neither has ever had a hidden agenda with me. But they all live thousands of miles away. Deb has been herself and certainly there are other people, too. Kiady too… oh hell.

shit…. diarrhea

I ended up canceling the truck I reserved for the move and am sitting pat for the moment. I don’t have the cash to make any big changes right now. I have deadlines though… in order to keep school I would have to be back in LV by 10/2. That’s half a month for me to get things wrapped up here.

Seems like a lot of people have shared their feelings about my decision making ability and choices I have made in life. Although there is little dispute in the wisdom of my choices… well, what’s done is done. I can only learn from them.

A 42 year old prolly should be making better decisions…

At this point I am trying to make a plan for myself. I keep trying to fit other peoples lives into my plan and I end up getting lost all over again. So, I think I am going to lye low for a while and see what happens.

“Give your life meaning today by truly feeling the beauty in every moment you live, dear Capricorn. There is no need to beat yourself up about the past, so move on. It also does no good to beat yourself up about the present. You are at the right place at the right time, so don’t waste your energy by thinking you should be somewhere else. There is plenty of fun and adventure to be had right where you are.”

So, in the last couple of days I talked a lot to Adolfo and to my mom and both of them are kicking me in the balls about our breakup. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. Anyway, I am getting it from people that I am a selfish asshole who thinks of no one but myself.

On top of all this… I am planning on moving back to Vegas in the next couple weeks and am having trouble getting situated on the move. I have no money. So, someone tell me how this is gunna happen? oi vay????

That brings me to the horoscope listing of the day. Innnnnnnnteresting, huh?

“Today is your day, dear Capricorn, so don’t blow it. There is a great deal of positive energy coming your way, urging you to get moving. Live your dreams and don’t worry about the details. Set your intentions straight from the onset, and you will find that things you need just automatically fall into place. Go with the flow, and you won’t be led astray. There is a safety net of people waiting to catch you if you fall.”

Interesting horoscope today considering what is coming up. I rented a truck for the journey back to Vegas, but I don’t have the money to do it. All together this transition should cost me about 3000$ … yeah right. Moving and getting an apartment when I get there… oi vay.

Anyway, school is almost finished this quarter. Yeah me.

“Things may get a bit rough for you, dear Capricorn, during the next few weeks, especially in the department of love and romance. You are likely to find that adjustments need to be made in your behavior in order for you to sync up with the people around you. Your powers of adaptation will be put to the test, but this is certainly nothing that you can’t handle. Give your heart the respect it needs.“

WTF??????????????

I have not made a significant update since the date listed in the title. Since then my job prospects seem to have gone down the toilet – here in Portland – and Kiyo dumped me to go back to his ex. Turns out he was seeing his ex from time to time while we were seeing each other. I’m not mad about it, just bothered by it. So, I’ve been here for less than 3 months and have been dumped twice. It’s good for the soul… makes a tougher skin!

My dinner party went off very nicely this weekend. I flew to Vegas to cook for one of my clients and i was a significantly nice occasion. But, it was prolly the more expensive bbq’s anyone ever saw. I had to charge him for my air fare. Ugh!

The flight there went quite well, but the flight back was miserable. My reservation was jacked up and there was no flight for me when I arrived. I booked on another flight costing me an additional 100$ and from SFO to PDX the flight was delayed like 3 to 4 hours… at least Ihad a good dinner there. Chinese food.

Well, that’s it for now.

“You may be confused when you find yourself pulling away from something that you may have felt extremely confident about on a previous date. Remember, dear Capricorn, that it is always OK to change your mind at all times. Don’t feel like you need to follow through with something that you agreed to weeks ago. Circumstances have changed since then, and you should feel free to change your plans accordingly.“

Interesting…. my horoscope for today.