I have not made an entry in a while. In honor of Deb, we went out for a bite tonight. So, I have to makes notes. We just went over to Paymons for Mediterranean food. I had a falafel and she had half of a cow. In fairness she thought she was ordering something much smaller but this IDIOT waiter that was there … oh he was awful.

Well, I ended up updating BookOfUriel.Com with some art I had been fussing with over the last couple days and I wanted to play with one of the scripts I was using in the gallery pages. All of that is in much better shape now.

There was a new energy in the air this month… I felt it. In spite of mom’s b-Day on the 1st, the smell of moolah is finally coming my way in the universe. Thank God!!!! I’m behind in my bills a little, but the sum I made this month will help catch me up a little bit.

Let’s just say some good things are in the air. I am very happy about that for sure. Mom can relax a bit and everyone whose tit I have been sucking from on the last 6 months can also breath with great relief. hmmmmm….

Deb left here a couple of hours ago staggering drunk and with a fist full of cheesecake and raw fruit. She stumbled and rolled in the grass, but after I picked her up covered with freshly laid cow poop, she spit out some grass blades and climbed into her car.

Not really… ha ha ha. Deb reads the blogs and did some back research seeing that there is 5.5 years of mindless, meaningless rambling on this site. I’m so damn funny.

In recent days I have been feeling very dark inside and there have been influences around me that seemed to be pushing me further into darkness. I told Debbie about the feelings I was experiencing and some of the places I was going and she got upset.

Yesterday I was having a horrible day. School went okay in the morning, but I blew off my afternoon class because I was just needing to focus on my homework. So I hid out and worked on that, plus I had to get some items I sold on eBay off into the mail. People are such assholes… ugh! The people that bought from me on eBay were shits, but I had to give them good feedback anyway. Fuckers!

My mood darkened and yet I had plans on meeting Adolfo for dinner when he got off work. I wanted to talk with him about us, because I still don’t feel like there is any closure… even for 6 months later. I was already upset over some stupid things that went on and he made some comments that played to my sensitive side; I ended up getting up and leaving in a bitch storm. That went to shit…

Well, when I am really upset I don’t speak. I clam up and escape… which is what I did. I have not heard from him since. I left him standing in the parking lot.

My feelings are pretty raw right now and I do not know what they are. I have no money and I have no real resources that I can grip on to. I was really slipping but mom came to my rescue… again. I hope she does not think that this is all a waste… but I will pay her back.

NOTE: I finished reworking www.achtungmediadesign.com as well as www.myspace.com/achtungmediadesign that needed a maturity update. I am constantly trying to work design ideas and was inspired by another artist… but damn my art did not look anything like his.

Fuck.

Is there a point when one has done everything they can in life and looks out seeing nothing in front of them. For friends who say I am being a drama queen fuck you. “Friends” who don’t want to get involved fuck you too. “Friends” who won’t face me with things they are upset about… fuck you again. Aw, fuck…

“Things may seem a bit surreal for you today, dear Capricorn, so don’t take other people’s chatter too seriously. Today is a day to reach out and touch someone. Pick up the phone and dial it. It is a good day to share your dreams with others, despite how far-fetched they may sound. Others may look at you as if you have three heads, but as long as you are being honest with yourself, there is no reason for you to be shy about sharing.” – no relevance here… i think. I thought yesterday’s horoscope was still showing and I thought it was more relevant.

Today was a sucky day until this evening rolled around. I should have taken a picture. I made dinner for guests tonight. Funny how I can make a nice meal with no money. So I made my ravioli with some shrimp I picked up saute in a brown butter topped with sliced steak and some sauted orange peppers. Yum… my remaining bottles from my old wine of the month club is dwindling in supply. We knocked out 2 bottles tonight.

Deb came over and we kibbitzed a while, then Alex came by with gal-pal “Sol”… and it was really nice. Alex brought me a bunch of flowers and a cake for desert! Sweet!

Everyone left at 10 and I am getting ready to work for the next few days. I’m just pooped right now. Too much bloody wine…

…ON ANOTHER SUBJECT… I finally heard from Chippy! That cow finally resurfaced and said he read the diary and it sounded like I was wallowing in self-pity. FUCK… I hate wallowing in self pity! I have done that a few times in the past… I should stop all that. SUCKS that I am in the predicament that I am in… sucks man!

“Your emotions are charged with fury today, dear Capricorn, and you might feel explosive. Make sure you find healthy outlets for this energy, and put it to good use. Direct your action outward, and notice the incredible impact that you have on others. Your intuition is a special gift that you should treasure and use wisely. Not everyone has the sensitive nature that you do.” – at first I thought this meant anger. Like explosions of anger for whatever reason, but maybe it’s more regret and sadness? Those moments hit me sometimes and are overwhelming. The weird thing is what triggers it. Last night’s Chef Ramsey triggered a serious waterfall. I was literally doubled over for a couple minutes.

These days are filled with mixed blessings. There are some people who see me a certain way and do not realize I am really a very sensitive person… and not the schizophrenic kind. I literally have prayed nightly since I was a teenager (accept when not alone; because this was always a private thing), but I am outing myself in here because I feel different inside and am going through some kind of transition.

I am also going to admit something… sorta putting myself out more than usual (not that hardly anyone is reading this thing… let alone adding their comments)my greatest fear is that I could end up losing my apartment and my car and end up homeless, and the scariest thing is that …that reality is looming on the horizon. I had security for 5 years because Adolfo made twice what I made, but I am on my own. I am very alone… and I can’t ask my family for money. It just sucks… I am hustling to make money right now… not to mention keep up with school.

In a recent entry (from Saturday I think), I wrote how I felt paralyzed and invisible one day. I write how I felt the ground beneath my feet cracking and sinking.

I think the pic I posted on my last entry might give some people the vapors (Deb), so here is a new one. She’ll like this one. …so when I was up last night I was feeling pretty bad about a lot of things and had mixed feelings on others. I’m finding the second half of 2007 very difficult and disturbing, because there are things in life I need and am not getting them. What am I doing wrong? What have I done that has been so wrong?

Yes, I have been self destructive with a lot of bad choices. Yes, I managed not to appreciate a lot of things I had. Yes, I have a lot of regrets… prolly not the same regrets people might assume I have.

So, it’s past the middle of the month and looking ahead to my bills right now is looking very bleak. I am sinking… sinking badly and will not ask to borrow anymore money. Between my mom and Adolfo I’ve borrowed more than I ever imagined to stay afloat.

“You are not one who particularly likes structure, dear Capricorn, but know that you probably need it more than anyone else. Today would be a good one to take an honest look at your life and see what kind of adjustments need to be made in order for you to keep it all in control. Discipline is a key element to this day. Try to stay focused and not get distracted by your fluctuating emotions.“

So, as I was writing I decided to check my horoscope on MSN and it seems to fit where I am at in my head. MSN horoscope is weirdly accurate. So, I have another interview tomorrow and another exercise in humility that I hope will blossom into something positive.

See me on eBay “scotters66” trying to earn some rent money!

I remember when…

I am too wound up to go to bed right now. So, earlier today I took the wayward puppy over to a local vet who will make an effort to find a home for him. He’s a sweet dog and has a lovely face. His eyes are brilliant which made it hard to take him over there. I was worried that I might get attached… Tom on the other hand seems more comfortable being the only dog in the house.

As for me I am getting by, but just barely right now as I am still not working and have not had a single cent come in since being back. I am so broke and am getting worried about the end of the month…. especially since the month is already half over. I know there is SOME money planned for next month… but I need it now.

If you read the “Anger Management” entry either from the beginning of this month then you saw all the crap my cousin pissed on me in an e-mail she sent. You can hardly imagine that I was using them? Ugh… I vomit. Now I am back here and my bills, rent and other expenses are nearly double. At least I have people here and am closer to my real family.

It kills me. I’m killing myself. I’ve struggled to be a a good person and tried to live life the way I thought it was supposed to be. It keeps beating me in the face, then it turns around and acts like we’re BFF’s … here I go vomiting again! Fucking hell shit damn fuck piss shit and more shit!!!!!

When I moved to Oregon I met someone whom I fell for; feelings were felt and life was giving me a easy road – as it were. I mean I had no job for 3 months and I was making money off of some local guy who prolly had a crush on me and all I was doing in the end was taking advantage of the guy. My work for him turned into dinners here and there and I guess that made me his whore. I was so stressed and all I wanted was to get my life in order. Whatever…

Meanwhile, I moved back to LV thinking I could find work here, be closer to friends, be closer to family, and live some semblance of a normal life without Adolfo and I in the relationship we had before. I get here and all the shit I never dealt with with our breakup came to the surface a little and that caused some raw feelings.

I figured out a lot of things in the last four months.

• I am an asshole – or least I have been and I got away with it because I WAS WAS WAS a good looking guy and people dealt with it. That’s passed!
• I found out many "friends" were not really friends after all. They were fuck buddies or people who had no respect for me at all. They were sharp edged pieces on a rusty charm bracelet.
• Some of my friends are too far away. I’ve moved, they moved, the world changed, some be married and some be lost… Chippy and Sam are lost.
• Adolfo is someone I still love a lot and as much as I love him I can’t be around him. His words are often impatient and cutting. I find myself feeling bad about myself around him.
• I’m single now and alone. I might not make it this time.

Well, I met someone here who is prolly going to hurt me in a couple weeks; who will fade out of my life, who will leave me feeling more alone than usual. His name is Alex and he is beautiful. I told him he like a young Antonio Banderas and he laughed at me… he came over one day thinking it was going to be a toss in the hay but I told him I wasn’t going to be anyone’s “puto” and invited him back fro dinner that night. I made a ravioli; real ravioli. He wants to come back. But he will leave me.

Today I was sitting in the hall at school having just finished talking to mom on the phone. After the call I just sat there feeling numb all over. I felt like I was invisible and watching people walking by. Imagine the ground beneath you is like a stack of glass plates. A plate shatters and the whole stack drops a little like the foundation of the earth cracking. That was how I felt that moment. I was numb to the core and shaken. All I could do was sit there stunned until it was time for class to start.

Is it worth it? Ask yourself that alone and away from everyone when you need to. I’m still wondering…

“Today is a day for celebration, dear Capricorn. There is a positive, loving energy in the air. Don’t hesitate to open a bottle of champagne tonight simply in thanks of being alive. And if you really think about it, there is no shortage of reasons for throwing a get-together or party. Don’t hesitate to surround yourself with the people that you love the most in the world and sharing this wonderful warm energy with them.” – if todays horoscope reflected anything I could wrap my head around I would be satisfied.

My stress level is way up there and yesterday was a day I could have skipped… not that it was awful but man I wish I could feel like I was on the right path in life.

An interesting turn of events… I ended up with another mouth to feed and an attitude to deal with having picked up a stray beasty.

He can’t stay, but I put a notice on CraigsList that I had him and walked around hoping someone would recognize him… bottom line I still have him. He’s young and perky, maybe 2 or 3 years old, and cute. He needed training and I started working with him a little and he’s picking stuff up. My temporary name for him is Pixel.
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I took some pictures off my camera that I left there and found the ones of my car. When I was loading it in Portland to move back down last month, it became damaged in areas that aren’t especially visible.

The scoopy nosey thing on the car got all scraped and dented… ugh! I was too much in a hurry and frazzled to get too upset back there. I figured it out and got it on the trailers and just got my ass moving. Then, there is a guard on the bottom that got seriously bent and wedged into a thing on the trailer… so when I changed the position of the trailer I could move it and load is safely. What a pain in the butt.

My gas mileage was almost 1/3 better up there – ya know that? I was impressed. My oil life was strongly extended as well, unless there is something wrong with the car? And speaking of which… my Toaster (nickname for my car; a silver 2007 Honda Element) is suffering at my hand! A rock flew off one of those big trucked and dented my front bumper. Someone hit my car with their hand or something and put a dent in the back. Ugh, this is a great car and I’m a bad bad bad owner.

Speaking of which, I had to take Tom to his Ophthalmologist (yes, he has his own) and his left eye was really swollen. He’s on a bunch of meds and I hope this takes care of it. His Glaucoma flared up just after we moved to Oregon. Ugh! Looks like I’m not so good at taking care of things.

“Appreciate the good things you have in your life today, dear Capricorn. Don’t let another day go by without sitting down and really paying homage to the people who have helped you grow along the way. Go outside and take a walk. Climb a tree or help a young child build a tree house. Connect with the spiritual side of you that finds satisfaction in where you are now, instead of always feeling a need to search for something bigger and better.” … and I do it everyday.

Good or bad, I can see the contributions people have unwittingly played in making me who and what I am today. Yes, there are a lot of assholes in the world and I think I managed to meet 25% of them. In the gay world, there seems to be a concentration of said personality types. Not bitter, it’s just a Will&Grace world out there.

There have been a lot of people out there that have surprised me with their good hearts. So I can never be angry about people over-all. I try and see the positive as much as I can… in spite of the nose on my face. God, I hope <<< that makes sense to someone out there. …and btw I’m still not working… kill me!

“Your dreams work out quite nicely in your head, dear Capricorn, but the problem now is turning them into some sort of real life scenario. Be careful of taking too much of an intellectual approach. When it comes to relationships, things don’t normally happen logically or rationally. You are going to have to leave a great deal up to chance, so just learn to deal with things as they come.” My horoscope yesterday was very similar to this one. Apparently the Universe sees me as my head is in the clouds. Well, that might not be so far from the truth.

Sunday was a rough day, felt really depressed with the weight of the world on my shoulders unable to shake it. I wanted to go out and go to the bust at Charlies because it is a cheap escape for the day. But I could not see myself being able to put on a mask and enjoy it. That’s me, ya know, my feelings and issues seem to hang right near the surface. Prol’y means I could never play poker, huh?

The job hunt has been a challenge because nothing is going easy. People say they have a job for me, but I could travel around the world before words are anything more than verbal diarrhea. Meanwhile my finances are becoming more and more strained… oh wait… I have no more money left. So, I guess I needn’t worry about a thing!

I am so annoyed. This year has sucked so bad.

I think that means next year is going to be good, right?

“Don’t let yourself be manipulated by needy friends, dear Capricorn! With today’s planetary energies, it’s a good time to think about setting clear boundries. You know which friends are there for you and “bring you up,” and you know which friends tend to drain all of your time and energy with problem after problem after problem, constantly needing your immediate attention. Try just saying no. You really can’t fix someone else’s life for them anyway. Think about it.“

Wow, this horoscope hits home…. but mostly from the past. On the other hand, there is a lot of currently relevant. Unfortunately I can only comment so much because ….though some of the people this brings into mind hardly (if ever) read this diary the same people would take it way too personal. Ugh…

YES… believe it or not I do censor myself to some degree.