Christmas was not at 3285 this year and I can say that I am pretty okay with that. It would have been better had I been able to either be with family or have spent time with someone I cared for (other than Tom). But, by the end of Christmas Day, I had Deb over for dinner. She said we were the two misfits who needed to spend the evening together.

Call me Herbie. ha ha ha – if you don’t get the reference then screw you. ha ha

2 nights ago I cooked for a family in Henderson and spent a lot of time preparing, but my centerpiece went to shit and I was mortified. I made a beautiful Terine and the crust cracked and broke down on me absolutely killing me. I rebound, forgot the green beans, ran a wide track but still made a successful dinner. The menu turned out to be:

– Turkey Galantine w/ Gravy
– Beef Tenderloin w/ Red Wine Sauce
– Sauted Yam Cuts
– Cream Leeks
– Potato Au Gratin w/ Marscapone Cheese
– Mac N Cheese for the Kids

I made some appetizers too:

– Shrimp Skewers with Caviar
– Baked Polenta with Bacon and Cheese

All ended up going well and for the first time I had to do the party w/o an assistant. It went fine. Although I wish certain people were available it all turned out okay.

Anyway – so my day yesterday was just cleaning up the apartment and getting the house in order. I also dared to go out and buy groceries… one store open in the area. Damn Christians have a stranglehold on the economy… bastards! ha ha ha

I digress, or better I deviate. Instead of doing practical things with the day I ended up goofing off a bit here and there. I met a guy recently and I am feeling he is not into me… no big deal. I’ll survive. And, I held off calling Adolfo because my feelings are still very raw toward him.

As much as Adolfo has been there for me since we broke up he has also left me behind and I feel unhappy about that. I know every time I broke up with someone I was serious about it took nearly a year to get past it. Maybe I am going through the same thing? Maybe I am fixating on what I don;t have anymore? Maybe it’s a good thing we are not together anymore – I am constantly running through the list in my head on the negatives and positive of an “us”. But, he has been good to me in the bigger picture.

Back to Christmas Day – Deb came over and we had some Tenderloin I had as well as some King Crab legs I picked up. I made a Potato Au Gratin and baked that off, yummy! The food had to be decadent!

She had a migraine and was suffering, but she still came over and left early to lay down. It was sweet of her to come over. I wanted John to come over,too, but he was working all evening.

So, I am trying to get some goals accomplished before school starts. Stay tuned… there is some cool things I am working on. xo

“Bring your thoughts down to Earth, dear Capricorn, especially later on tonight. You may be flip-flopping through the day like a fish out of water, but suddenly, things start falling into place just as the sun goes down. You will find that people will be much more caring and sensitive to your mood later on this evening. Spend it at home with someone you love. Ground yourself and plan for the upcoming week.“

uhm… yeah. My emotions have been very much on a roller coaster lately. The best thing for me to do is focus on work or art or stuff like that. Last night I saw someone who knew Adolfo and I and I found myself feeling very depressed about Adolfo when the discussion turned to him.

I’ve been through this before… a few times. With Ron, James, and Brian. It takes a while to break away… it really sucks. I will probably survive. Ya think.

If Adolfo has any idea that we can get back together that option is fading hard. I know my mom would like to have that happen, even my dad, but I’m figuring out very slowly that he has no interest.

School is finished for the quarter and just working… I am trying to accomplish a few things during this time from school. I have a cooking gig for Christmas again and I am hashing out the menu. should have finished it today… I have an idea.

Missing Adolfo a lot, but it might just be loneliness. I got very melancholy today when a woman I knew was asking me about him. I wondered about us getting back together, but I wonder that he has moved on and I need to as well. It takes a while.

I’ve met a couple nice guys, but nothing is happening right now in the romance area anyway. I had a great time hanging out with Deb on Sunday night; we saw the new Will Smith movie and I made dinner.

The movie was great… it’s the first good and solid movie I have seen in a while. Golden Compass was a bummer. More stuff is coming out! The Will Smith movie had a new Batman preview…. awesome.

For dinner I made a Beef Wellington and cream saute leeks. Yum!

I rock as a cook!

School is wrapping up for the quarter and I am just thrilled; my stress level is way above a 10. I am getting to the point of “acceptance” for these grades and it looks like I am going to tank in 2 of the my classes; I am not used to doing poorly. I am a B+ student.

I got another e-mail from Sherwood this week, too. Pure evil. Drug addicts have a really fucked up view of the world. I thought a couple days about posting it in here, but the rabble and the evil in it is just not worth acknowledging. He sent it to all of my family and it was just… oh my hell.

It’s all good… you reap what you sew as they say. Drug addicts looking at getting evicted are going to be forced to look at their lives and re-asses where they are in the world. You can’t get a free ride in a huge house in a good neighborhood and not expect to pay for it.

Whatever… I’ll update a little more this week. Funny how things happen in groups. I have been hurt but a few people closely related to me recently; betrayed. On the other hand another realtive really showed a lot of love and support. I recently tried to extend a hand to a couple relatives I have and though there was a real offer to it… I think it was very trite. So… maybe it’s time to get over it.

Last night I was talking to a friend of mine about regrets. I have a ton… a ton of regrets in my life I am still living with. All of them with people I loved dearly. It really tears at my heart to look back and take inventory.

• missing out on “what could have been” with Micheal B back in Lancaster
  
• leaving the air force when I did
  
• leaving Ron in in the early 90’s eventually resulted in him making some poor decisions and he ended up dying
  
• missing out on the last year of Erwin’s life and showed up at his funeral feeling like a complete ass
  
• jerking my mom around on a money issue in 1990 as well, one I think she has since forgiven me for – I think
  
• cheating on John B in Long Beach and giving my love to someone who did not deserve it in an ugly love triangle
  
• moving to Portland
  
• leaving Adolfo

not in any particular order… we can take it chronologically if you like… so there are most of my biggest regrets. I have regrets in life and people say you should not live your life with them. Now the question is “how” do you shed them? …therapy?

“Feel free to let it all out today, dear Capricorn. It is finally your turn to stand up and say what you feel. Don’t let others push you around into places that you don’t want to be. The key for you is to probe deep with your penetrating mind and share your incredible insights with others. Don’t be surprised if your actions cause a bit of tension, but don’t let this stop you from doing what you feel is right.“

You know… I often do not read my horoscopes until the end of the day. And usually I can see all the correlations to the events preceding. Now, you will note an earlier entry today where I talked about Sherwood: the nightmare.

I feel like I may have been harsh in it, but I can’t be certain. It is as if it needed to be said and I did it – devil-may-care as it were. Truth is that there is a lot of feelings about the whole experience I don’t feel.

Well, life moves on. Dating in this city is a nightmare. And if people in other cities complain they have a difficult time meeting people for dating for friendships then they can’t compare to Las Vegas. My luck has been miserable and though I think I find some diamonds I learn very quickly that I am not going to go anywhere romantically with that person.

I am meeting interesting people, but mostly off the internet. See my Contact’s page for a list of the social sites I have been haunting (whoring: whatever!).

The thing is I am still not living life the way I want to. This guy I met named Andrew (an interesting character) keeps telling me just to be honest with “who” I am and … well, I either don’t know who that is or what to be WHO that is. We all live life with masks on and I am not willing to take mine off for many people.

I want to be seen as a masculine gay guy who is active and wants the company of someone special who is similar. I enjoy being near the edge of something that titillates and threatens people. Sex is always good, but I do not want to be with someone who has cock on the brain. You must have a spiritual center who not a head in the clouds…

What is going on with Adolfo? Someone tell me… I have no idea.

I wrote my family telling them that there is no reason to hold grudges or take sides following the fall-out between the Sherwood-Aldermans and myself (my uncle and cousin). I moved out of their house 95% because I could not find a job up there and felt like I was in a very slippery slope.

Life in Oregon was very different and there were a lot of pluses, but bottom line I was not making any money.

Upon a lot of reflection and seeing where I am now v. where I was then financially and mentally I am better off here for now. I’m working, getting good pay, going to school (which is costing me much less than up there), and live by myself.

In the beginning of August some time I came home from a temp job I was working to hear that either Eddie or Diane had come done from their place complaining about bill money or rent or something; it was something I already talked to Eddie about. Well, my room mate was upset because HE was being asked for money he did not owe. I explained I was under a financial crunch and it was during this conversation that I explained that if I was still not working I was going to have to move out.

I was a little pissed when I talked to Eddie, but the conversation went all sideways. He said I was being abusive to Diane who had complained to him and I was stunned. If I was being mean to her in anyway she should say something to me; this girl has the cajones to speak up (see her letter in September’s diary). Diane admitted complaining about it and eventually she started joking about it a lot.

Well, Eddie started locking himself in his room and would turn his back on me, refusing to address me. This went on through August.

None the less, there was no job and virtually no money coming in. I had a job in Las Vegas to cook for someone and flew to LV; while there I had a job interview at a local software company that left me thinking they were going to offer me a job. So when I went back on Labor Day weekend I announced I was moving out October 1st.

Eddie was still refusing to speak with me and Diane was starting more shit… she was the voice between Eddie and I. Diane jerked me around over a trip to Seattle and told her dad I was being an asshole again… I was through. The problem was… I was in no position to complain nor was I able to tell Diane or Eddie exactly what I thought.

I smiled and was friendly. I owed them bill money and had to get all that situated along with my other obligations to Norm (the room mate) as well as them. So I crunched oout all the bills and found out Eddie has really screwed up the bills he was passing on to me. Each one was a threat to shut them off.

I was all too much so I managed to stay so busy til the end and packed it all up again. It was HELL… I swear to almighty God I was in hell. Moving back after all that was miserable. I left the house at 8:30 in the morning and all were still asleep; which is easy when no one has a job and keeping themselves on earth with meth and anti-depressants.

AM I putting someone else’s dirty laundry out there? Maybe… maybe I am crossing the line with saying all this. The thing is I can;t hold Eddie at fault in anyway, even if he did betray me. He kept telling me “we’re family” over and over and said we would get through it together, but as soon as it got hot I found out how much family I was. 2 months of refusing to speak to me it was time to make a decision. Mondo had the fortune to be 1000 miles away trying to make a living for them.

With Diane’s insane behavior I was always waiting for the shoe to drop or the knife to cut me in the back one more time. Mondo is a sweet, loyal, strong guy with a lot to offer someone and I just don;t understand why he stays in that shit storm up there. But maybe it is a testament to him in keeping his love and loyalty to Diane. That’s a nice thing.

That’s the story… most of it anyway. Read the other entry for more!

“You’ll be full of ideas for improving your lifestyle, dear Capricorn, especially as it relates to your family. It is true that over the past few months you have experienced some material hardships. You can breathe easier now because, whether it is for your career or your home, today’s initiatives are likely to bring great rewards. Take advantage of the atmosphere to put together a realistic plan for the future…“

I went over to Adolfo’s for dinner yesterday… well, let me clarify. I talked to Adolfo a few days ago about us getting together and though the original plan was to have a group of us go to Carols for dinner. I would cook. Well, I put together an awesome dinner at my place and rolled it over to Adolfo’s where 4 of us (me, Adolfo, Carol, and Tom-the-Dog) went and ate.

Menu
– Boneless turkey flattened and rolled willed with freshly chopped herbs.
– Yams in a cinnamon and brown sugar syrup.
– Cheddar cheese mashed potatoes.
– Stuffing
– Fresh cranberry – orange sauce (whole berries)

Last night I dashed out to a new local gay bar with John… I have not seen him in six months and it was good to hang. The bar, on the other hand, was decent but the crowd was a little more dodgy than I preferred. It’s in a horrible neighborhood and caters to locals… bad neighborhood+locals=dodgy crowd.

hmmm… xo

“Deep inside, don’t you have an urge to breathe a new spirit into your love life? But of course, some things are more easily said than done. Currently, you don’t have much time to devote to yourself, much less your partner. Doubtless, mutual affection could thrive if given half a chance. The day suggests that you commit yourself to making some decisions that will help bring you and your mate closer…”

yeah… tru

The holidays are finally getting here and with it… schedules and life takes turns unexpected. It’s good and bad in ways, because it changes life’s pace. As of this week I am working again and getting a salary at a level I could hardly have imagined in the kind of work I am doing. I’ll be making nearly a $K more per month than I was making at the Venetian… which means I should be able to get caught up with bills soon and get my shit together.

I graduate from school with my BS in about 15 months, but at least my art work is taking shape. I am hoping my sites will improve with some of the coding classes I am planing on taking next quarter.

Maybe I am not nearly as neurotic as some of my previous entries suggest, huh? Especially the ones over the last 6 months. It feels good to be working again although my schedule is really busy. Well, honestly, I like being busy.

Still, I am trying to get caught up on bills and all right now. Money is still an issue and I am worried about all of it. It goes out as fast as it comes in and that sucks. Well, isn’t that life….

How does everyone like the new design? Holy frejoles peeps…. leave a comment below. It’s funny (no funny ha-ha, but weird-funny) how emotions inside me are so turbulent. There are days, especially when I am driving somewhere, when I feel like there is a huge hole in my chest. It’s an empty feeling and it’s like I am moving through life like a ship without sails.

Last night my instructor showed a portion of a movie where a bunch of people were being killed by some monster thing… these are the kinds of movies I do not watch… and it just left me feeling really really sad. I mean, I just don;t get this stuff.

But my emotions are something that get away from me a little here and there, but they are still mine and I can still bring myself out of the fog when I need to.

As much in the muck as I was for a while last night, I went to pick Deb up from the air port with a smile and a lighter heart. So, obviously I am still in some control. I plan on seeing a therapist as soon as I can get one into my schedule. Maybe I’ll have benifits when I start this job on Thursday? But the last 6 months have really beaten me into a new/different outlook.

By the end of October, I was in such a bad emotional place that I was very near the point… well… let’s say life (as it were) was starting to look very … [I can’t seem to find the words to say what I want to say]

Heavy-Sigh… Have I depressed the fuck out of you yet? Are there any readers left?

Let’s talk about Dating in this town? Let’s talk about Adolfo? argh… nah.

Prayers to you all… ciao babies