Author Archive: scott.kay

This week on Scott.2.0

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Pride weekend just happened. I made an effort to break a habit of locking myself in at home. I wanted badly to volunteer and help the Comfort & Joy folks with setup with their big party for pride, which of course would get me access to the event. I was happy to help. In fact, seeing the people and being engaged was 50% of the best part. The other 50% was just being there. 

Pride Weekend for me

I had to go through an internal dialog about being open. I needed to find a space to open up myself to experiences and people and it was harder than I expected. With that, meant being present and not fucked up. With that, meant meeting old friends and new ones. It also meant not letting the inner-saboteur take over. I had a great time and got to have quality time in a lot of different ways. 

Post Pride

Sunday I did lock myself in at home and stayed in in spite of my desire to be out. Sounds like I made a better decision given the chaos happening in San Francisco. I might have missed out on something in Oakland, but choices. I cooked. I did some errands… life is good.

Monday

I got to see my old roommate from Las Vegas who appeared out of nowhere. She happened to be in town and we grabbed some wine and nibbles at the Blush Wine Bar in the Castro. We talked a lot and shared some old memories. 

Tuesday

A dear dear friend of mine from Las Vegas wandered into my workplace. I was absolutely blown away! He is someone who was very special to me back there and we drifted apart for some reason. Because I moved away? Because I had an issue with his partner at the time? None the less, he has someone new and fantastic in his life. 

Today (Wednesday)

I am hosting a Diversity, Inclusion and Equity event for my non-profit online. One of the people on that call is another dear friend from Las Vegas. I am feeling a theme happening this week… right? It is a good thing on Eventbrite and Zoom we are doing tonight. 

Failure to Pose

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I was going to go into summer with a whole new plan to start working out. I was going to go deep, mark my progress on a Noom ap, then lose fat and years like magic. Well, that did not pan our all that well. I did get back into yoga classes, you can read about it on my blog site Part 1 and Part 2. 

So, my journey back to yoga was worth while. It kicked my ass and I was in so much pain after I found myself considering other options. Basically I feel I am almost back to step 1. 

New Blog Project

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Ugh, I need a new project like I need a whole in my head. Right? So, I have been thinking about this project called Should Mountain. It’s been on my mind more than a year. I even started it about a year ago and then told myself: “NO!” But last month I said… this needs to happen. 

I need more writing projects. But, I need any writing income. Writing for myself is not going to get me there… for sure. 

 

I am going to Burning Man once again… because I got a ticket

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 I was blessed with a Burning Man ticket out of no-where. I knew one would come my way, but this one came as a gift based on some of my volunteer work in the community. This is the first time out of all these years where it was gifted to me. The cool thing is that it came to me so unexpected, I am still wondering when the other shoe will drop. 

So, the plan for my return to Black Rock City is already in motion. This year is different from any other year. That is because I was going as a tourist, but then again I was lying about that, too. I signed up to volunteer as a ranger and went through some training in the last couple of months. I have a big test, then I get to play dressup for Burning Man. 

To be honest, I am considering another theme camp for 2023. But, it seems like a mistake to try and start over again. I am no spring chicken anymore. With all these sucky health problems that keep coming up… planning on on-going relationship with Burning Man might be an over estimation. 

Fuck, I am tired tonight. I cannot focus on anything… so I am going to make this short and rough. 

Since the migration… things went weird here

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So, as previously mentioned in this category, I migrated this site together from 3 others. I have been blogging for a long-ass-time. Well, I am still working on getting some control over the massive amount of categories collected over time. And to make it all come together. 

The dates are all wrong on the posts??? WTF moment here.. because I wrote many of these posts like 20 years ago. If I am seeing this right, the stupid things is looking at my posts as if I made them all six months ago. Sigh….

Lots of updates to the website here

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I have been updating this site with my galleries and other things. Not sure exactly why, but maybe I see it as some kind of legacy? I have a lot of plans to fix all the categories and tags and make it a little cleaner, Because, frankly, everything on here is a assembly of 3 sites to one that talked about different aspects of my life. 

I do not quite understand why many of my older galleries are showing duplicates of different pictures. But I will say this new Nexcellent Gallery systems is the bomb. It is a huge leap from what it used to be. I may buy into it this time to be able to do more. 

Analytics: I see there are more people happening into this site. I wish I knew who it was… but interesting that traffic is starting to develop. 

Say hi if you are reading stuff. 

I have a secret

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In an effort to see where my future is in this community, I applied to be a Black Rock Ranger. Last night, I got the instructions I needed to get that process started and based on how many BRC Rangers I know, it could be a good thing for me. Mayne I will make it, maybe I will not, but I am exploring it with the encouragement of Ranger CoffeeCup. My designation is “Ringtone” and it seems oddly fitting.

One of the items I proposed was Queerdo, but they passed on that one. Straight people will never get it. And it will make too many of them nervous to say it. (eye-roll here)

Annnnnyway, this seems a lot more cheerful than my last post.

Sunday again… a holiday weekend

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I took this picture last night. I needed it for something.

Today I stayed home all day and though I kept myself busy with stupid things, I sulked again. I let my monkey brain wander through a forest of bad feelings and focus how lonely I feel a lot of the time. I focused on all the things I was missing out on, though I did nothing to resolve that situation. And why not go here or there…? Who wants to hang around me?

I have become this sad old fat man who does not feel good about himself on any level. I see myself as someone who is miserable, so if I hang with other people in this dark form, I will make them miserable.

There are antidots for that feeling, none of which I am willing to take on right now. Fake ways to make myself tolerable and forget the things that are making me worry so much. But, I have no desire to bury those things in booze or other things to cover the other feelings up.

Exercise could be a good solution, if only I could manage to make that happen. It is simply a matter of doing and overcoming the things in my way. The act of doing requires the first step and I have lost my footing and my path.

Sigh.

I have no voice. I have no tribe around me anymore and it feels very lonely.

I have several worries today

  • are some of the medications I am taking fucking my head up and sending me down a road of early dementia?
  • am I holding my partner back from a better life or is he propping me up for mine?
  • will I become my mother? I mean, I am scared.

Hey Blog

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I promised myself I would write here more. The trick is not to let this become a place of non-stop complaining. There was a long period where I think that, that was all that was coming out of me. So, I think I am going to riff a little while and see where this goes.

  • The editor I hired to look over my book that I spent a few years working on has completely dropped the ball and admitted he was never going to get it done. There was the suggestion of a refund, but I am not convinced. The book does need more work, but I am finishing up a sequel to it now. Which is really helpful because I can further assess out some of the longer term plot points and characters I was using. Book 1 is about 400 pages, Book 2 is starting to get close to 600.
  • The universe is yelling at me to make some changes, and I keep holding back. It will kick my ass if I do not heed the clear messages I am getting. I have never been afraid to make leaps of faith. The truth is it has generally worked in my favor to jump. The biggest things holding me back are my age and the fact I do not want to stress out my CMonster.
  • I have been trying to lose weight. I have been dieting and watching what I eat. I have been drinking a lot more water, less coffee, reduced sugar. In the scope of things, animal proteins down 90% and eliminating wheat as much as possible.
    • eliminating wheat has reduced inflammation in my joints and reduced my pain significantly
    • same with meat, taking out all poultry, almost all pork, almost all beef made me feel much better….
    • but, in the last couple weeks  I noticed sugar and meat were sneaking back in and it is time to slap that down again
  • Our apartment is lovely. We are so blessed. We are talking about moving far way. It is looking pretty serious now. Might be time to leave the bay area.
  • I did a thing last month! I hosted a web broadcast and it was pretty cool the way it turned out. I am the founder and chair of Queerburners, a non-profit for LGBTQAI Burning Man participants. It went really well and I have three more planned and possibly two more as well. Check our www.queerburners.org for more details.
  • I have been blessed with some social things this week and feeling a bit more connected to the world. It has been a long time and I was really feeling very alone once again. Like, no one wanted to hang out. It’s been weird, but I think a lot of people felt that way.
    • Last Thursday hanging out at Ocean Beach for a Sunset burn and celebrating an early birthday with Bern
    • Breakfast with my friend and fellow weirdo Craig at Orphan Andy’s in Castro
    • Last night in the Laurel with Scoot and Propeller sitting around a lovely fire
  • Eager to hang out socially at Power House or the SF Eagle. But, seriously hung up on my weight and health right now. I am genuinely worried that if I do not get a hold on it that I am as good as dead.
    • You know when people are close to you pass on, I have a theory that it is death getting closer and closer until death finds you or someone else close by to take. So close sometimes. I have got to get my health back.

Rants completed.