I was going to go into summer with a whole new plan to start working out. I was going to go deep, mark my progress on a Noom ap, then lose fat and years like magic. Well, that did not pan our all that well. I did get back into yoga classes, you can read about it on my blog site Part 1 and Part 2.
So, my journey back to yoga was worth while. It kicked my ass and I was in so much pain after I found myself considering other options. Basically I feel I am almost back to step 1.
Ugh, I need a new project like I need a whole in my head. Right? So, I have been thinking about this project called Should Mountain. It’s been on my mind more than a year. I even started it about a year ago and then told myself: “NO!” But last month I said… this needs to happen.
I need more writing projects. But, I need any writing income. Writing for myself is not going to get me there… for sure.
I was blessed with a Burning Man ticket out of no-where. I knew one would come my way, but this one came as a gift based on some of my volunteer work in the community. This is the first time out of all these years where it was gifted to me. The cool thing is that it came to me so unexpected, I am still wondering when the other shoe will drop.
So, the plan for my return to Black Rock City is already in motion. This year is different from any other year. That is because I was going as a tourist, but then again I was lying about that, too. I signed up to volunteer as a ranger and went through some training in the last couple of months. I have a big test, then I get to play dressup for Burning Man.
To be honest, I am considering another theme camp for 2023. But, it seems like a mistake to try and start over again. I am no spring chicken anymore. With all these sucky health problems that keep coming up… planning on on-going relationship with Burning Man might be an over estimation.
Fuck, I am tired tonight. I cannot focus on anything… so I am going to make this short and rough.
So, as previously mentioned in this category, I migrated this site together from 3 others. I have been blogging for a long-ass-time. Well, I am still working on getting some control over the massive amount of categories collected over time. And to make it all come together.
The dates are all wrong on the posts??? WTF moment here.. because I wrote many of these posts like 20 years ago. If I am seeing this right, the stupid things is looking at my posts as if I made them all six months ago. Sigh….
I have been updating this site with my galleries and other things. Not sure exactly why, but maybe I see it as some kind of legacy? I have a lot of plans to fix all the categories and tags and make it a little cleaner, Because, frankly, everything on here is a assembly of 3 sites to one that talked about different aspects of my life.
I do not quite understand why many of my older galleries are showing duplicates of different pictures. But I will say this new Nexcellent Gallery systems is the bomb. It is a huge leap from what it used to be. I may buy into it this time to be able to do more.
Analytics: I see there are more people happening into this site. I wish I knew who it was… but interesting that traffic is starting to develop.
Say hi if you are reading stuff.
This is me: I am loading my old galleries on this site and this is the very early gallery I have on here from 2004 or something like that when I traveled to Asia.
In an effort to see where my future is in this community, I applied to be a Black Rock Ranger. Last night, I got the instructions I needed to get that process started and based on how many BRC Rangers I know, it could be a good thing for me. Mayne I will make it, maybe I will not, but I am exploring it with the encouragement of Ranger CoffeeCup. My designation is “Ringtone” and it seems oddly fitting.
One of the items I proposed was Queerdo, but they passed on that one. Straight people will never get it. And it will make too many of them nervous to say it. (eye-roll here)
Annnnnyway, this seems a lot more cheerful than my last post.
I took this picture last night. I needed it for something.
Today I stayed home all day and though I kept myself busy with stupid things, I sulked again. I let my monkey brain wander through a forest of bad feelings and focus how lonely I feel a lot of the time. I focused on all the things I was missing out on, though I did nothing to resolve that situation. And why not go here or there…? Who wants to hang around me?
I have become this sad old fat man who does not feel good about himself on any level. I see myself as someone who is miserable, so if I hang with other people in this dark form, I will make them miserable.
There are antidots for that feeling, none of which I am willing to take on right now. Fake ways to make myself tolerable and forget the things that are making me worry so much. But, I have no desire to bury those things in booze or other things to cover the other feelings up.
Exercise could be a good solution, if only I could manage to make that happen. It is simply a matter of doing and overcoming the things in my way. The act of doing requires the first step and I have lost my footing and my path.
Sigh.
I have no voice. I have no tribe around me anymore and it feels very lonely.
I have several worries today
I promised myself I would write here more. The trick is not to let this become a place of non-stop complaining. There was a long period where I think that, that was all that was coming out of me. So, I think I am going to riff a little while and see where this goes.
more as well. Check our www.queerburners.org for more details.Rants completed.
I started with a new therapist 2 weeks ago. The intake conversation left me in a very bad place. I was stunned how much she threw me off my center. The missing part of the equation, I did not know that was the kind of appointment we were going to have. I had no idea I had been assigned a psychologist.
It really took me more than a week to get hold of myself and I went into today’s appointment stating my needs. If you are going to open pandoras box, please close it when you are done. In the end, we left today in a good place. There was nothing earth shattering or new that came out of it.
I have had a lot of problems with a majority of the mental health people I had to work with at the V.A..
After that, when I got that diagnosis, broke my world a little. That was in 2019 (as I recall). I found people around me that took advantage of that distress. There are 2 people from my job that saw that weakness and did things that broken me was not able to deal with very well.
My PTSD comes from a couple different sources. There is a lot of childhood trauma sexual abuse. Then in 2016 here in San Francisco I was sexually assaulted again. A lifetime of struggling with my baggage and bad decisions and somehow I managed to survive to this day.
I can see my shortfalls but sometimes I cannot help but drive into the wall.