Its getting to the end of the quarter and I found out we have 4 weeks off!!!! Wow wow wow!!! BUT it is tough and this quarter is butt-raping me in a bad way… yes there can be good ways… but, I digress. ha ha ha!!! My weaknesses have really been exposed this week, too. I have a lot to learn still!!!

I want to embrace a lot of people in my life and I would say I am open to being a friend or more; E.G.: a guy at school whom I really did not trust because he seemed a little off was someone I grew to really like (in only a friendly way) and when I was just there to really be friends it took a hard turn and he stabbed me in the back tonight. It’s stupid… I know. But it still hurts when you feel betrayed. It is literally the worst thing a person could do to me.

I’d like to be able to report anything special but – life these days is anything but. I am always behind at school and have no real free time. Even today, I planned on hitting the books with the day but there is stuff going on that is going to keep me from all that. Jeff from L.A. is in town and we are supposed to have lunch together. Then I am going to catch a yoga class… then home to study. Yeah me.

Tomorrow, the ‘rents are coming into tow. At least my mom and bob are going to be here. There goes Monday… oi vay.

Good news is I got a replacement phone and it’s better than my old one. I hate talking on the phone, but it is a necessary evil.

Still not dating… I did tell Adolfo I needed to space and that our hanging out was not really good right not. Especially since he was not willing to commit to anything or pursuit the relationship. Since then I have not heard from him.

Sucks how life can be sometimes. But it’s just a door closing, right, and then a window opening? Sigh! xo

This has been a rough week. Last weekend’s romp with John was really cool, but this week I am so so so so broke. My car is on fumes and the shelves are bare. It’s not like my fat ass will starve to death, ha ha ha. I also lost my phone and don’t have the cash to replace it, so I am screwed.

How desperate sounding, huh? Well, I am prolly going no where ‘cept school this weekend. Probably a blessing!

xoo all

This was a pretty interesting cap to a week that was full of stress and frustration. I was in school all Saturday then went to the gym where I ended up in the center of drama. Well, at the beginning of Yoga they made everyone leave the gym because there was a fire upstairs. I could smell the smoke… ew. So, 40 mins later we came back into the gym. I still don’t know what caught fire.

Sunday I hooked up with pal-John for his birthday. We galloped over to Borders where a couple chefs from Top Chef were signing their cookbook; a Top Chef Cookbook. It’s a nice book. Cheap and cheezy… but fun to see them. Got autographs and chatted about cooking. Oh wow.. it was cool. Then we shopped (window style) and toddled off to the gym for a shit workout… but enjoyed the eye candy!!!!

Then… off to FireFly for dindin. YUMMERS… I had Charizo Clams… so good!!!

I feel fat… now I need to get my ass in gear. Had a nice dinner with Adolfo again tonight. We went to the gourmet restaurant of the year… yes – red lobster. Yum.

Ha ha ha ha…

xo

I am sitting here watching LOST and am thinking about how fucked up some days are. It’s a full moon tonight and the whole day has represented that. The night ends with feelings of exasperation and reflection on all the stupid mistakes I am making.

I am this week’s king of regrets and self pity. Maybe more than that! As you may have read on past entries I tend to fixate once in a while on the decisions and actions of my past that I carry around like a bag of rocks. It seems like I am a very bad person deep inside and no matter how nice I seem on the outside inside it is sludge and shit.

Yet, I got a nice email this week from someone who says they read my blog… which makes me happy. I have been neglecting this little mini-therapist.

Well, as much as I struggle to make ends meet daily and keep me and Tom healthy it is amazing how I am still trying to see the world from a positive point of view. I literally have nothing to live for. I realized that recently and have absolutely no desire to live life. Sad, huh?

Before anyone gets melodramatic I’m not looking to off myself. hmm…. no.

what a week! last saturday i let my blood sugar drop way way too low and was so dizzy, so I ate a quick bowl of cereal when I got home. It was a slow comeback, but then later I had dinner and felt better after. But then damn, my guts when nuts with diahrea and craps and woosiness. all of which i assumed had to to with the sugar thing. it went on for a few days – through thursday. the likely culprit was some chicken i got from sam’s club. tossed that out, been fine since i stopped eating it pretty much. ugh!

on top of all that – it’s allergy season. my ass is drugged up. i am drippy, sneezy, and sniffly. sexy huh?

starting to sound like one of those old people who only conversation is all their medical history. god i hate those people.

oh, and Tom-dog is suffering too. i think he has allergy problems as well… poor puppy is suffering. his eyes are already in bad shape with the gloucoma…

oh there i go again!

Life is just kinda wierd sometimes. As much as a person keeps setting goals to take them ahead, fate keeps kicking a guy in the balls. It’s just a reminder that we really have no control where we go and when we try to do it… well, it all either goes to shit… pear shaped… sideways.

I lost Adolfo last year and have been sitting on the fence trying to figure of it was the right thing or not. I got to the point when I came to terms that it was. Then I started thinking the separation/break-up was a learning experience for both of us. Now I am just not sure. I feel like I can move on for real… not like the move-on I thought I had six months ago when I was dating someone else for a short while.

I tell my buddies that I want a relationship… then a guy offers to come to town and hang for a weekend and I can think about it is all the other stuff I got to do.

I’m never satisfied. I’m never going to know what that is. god help me… ugh

right now a lot of life’s little things seem like they are a lot more than what they are. i am really unhappy being single. yet, at the same time, i am glad to have a little time on my own. i’m feeling squished between the dream of what i want and the reality of the day.

dating here has been a farce deeper than anything i ever experienced. my fear is that the complete dysfunction has become a part of who i am as well. i try and stay apart from the really obscene behavior of the majority of men here but it’s definitely hard. it’s karma.

ugh… now i am older and now i am underwater (metaphorically) and the water is not cleansing. i have some time to put into being here… then i need to go do something else. sucks man.

so i dream of romance and i dream of meeting a cool guy to hang with. hm.