I have this in my head a lot and decided to write John and tell him how I felt about where our friendship has gone to. I figured out there has not been a single male in this city who has been someone I could rely on. It’s very hard finding someone of quality friendship here. Tell me what you think:

“I have been thinking a lot about where I stand right now. Before I say anything more, let me make it clear that I understand you and I are not in a relationship beyond friends. I am not deluded in that. Having said that, I loved you so much that I could call you my best friend and feel a huge amount of value in that. Well, you let me down and I think I am still feeling so strongly about it – is because my feelings were so strong. I told you when we first hung out that if I ever felt you lost respect for me I would step out. Over the last 5 weeks since I last saw you I began to recognize that and then when you forgot about the favor I asked it seemed clear. I feel deeply hurt and the apology I got through adam4adam did very little to help. Since then I saw no effort on your part. So, I move on. I’m going to Charlies tonight and then coming home early. Unless I am missing something else – I will miss our freindship. I’ve been hurt before so I will survive this one too. Sorry about the drama. I had a lot to say, but this was already too much. No one like a girl to talk too much! Later”

Johnny Cash – love ya baby. Today I did something empowering. I went to the movies by myself. I am in a time when I feel like what friends I have they are miles away and few people are here I can trust or rely on. Not a single person around me but me I can rely on.

Sounds jaded or bitter? Fuck off… not in anyway. Reality is that if you need someone else in your life then you are co-dependent. If you are sick of people letting you down – you are jaded. Alas… I digress.

I was so uncomfortable at first and then this hot hot hot guy sat next to me. I knew him from somewhere – then I remembered him from the Venetian. He was a sweet guy there who I thought was straight. Maybe not… considering the two he was with.

Well, I went to see the Hulk and it was quite good. A far leap from the previous version. The first version of the Hulk was slapstick compared to this one. I saw in the credits that Lou Ferigno was the voice of the Hulk.

Well again – I ended up calling Adolfo. It was good to hear his voice. He is moving on with his life. We updated each other a bit and … well, that was pretty much it. There are still a lot of feelings there.

xo all!

Since just before I left for the Bahamas I have been dealing with a very disappointing event that left me reeling a bit. You see, there is this guy I have considered to be my “best friend” (BFF ya know). Well, not long ago he came to me and needed help with something and I dropped everything.

Well, over the last month I get ignored phone calls, blown off on times we normally hang out… blah blah blah. Well, I asked him for help and I was ignored. I told him I was very upset with him, but I am feeling a deep sens of betrayal. It stings…

So I ask myself how this happens to me all the time. It has to be me. It has to be something I am doing in my choices of people in my life. If I can;t rely on you let me know or be clear about it, then I can make my choices. I had a dear friend in Long Beach and found out right away I could never rely on him for anything… I could live with that and did for years. BUT GOD DAMN IT I AM SO SICK OF FUCKERS FUCKING ME THE FUCK OVER!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I suck… I forgot to finish editing this. God, I thought I was done… NOT!

I started editing this again and so please excuse the rough spots.

The trip out of Las Vegas was not looking good at first. US Airways is the single worst airline I have ever flown on and I’ve flown! The flight was scheduled to leave at 11:30 pm and fly all night into Florida. With 2 broken planes later we finally left before 3:00 am and sat around the terminal. A good looking guy was flirting with me… he was good looking and had lovely eyes… but as sweet as that was let’s be real. It was entertaining at least.

So we arrived on the island by middle day in a plane that was two people wide. LITERALLY! So here are a few snaps!

1.On the last plane to the Island
2. From the plane over Florida
3. From my room
4. Me and gal Cheryl having a light dinner and the 1st of 3 cocktails each. Good suggestion Ken!

Leaving tonight for the Bahamas and am feeling a lot of anxiety about the whole thing. I am going with a whole bunch of heterosexuals and they are usually … well, they walk to their own beat. ugh, heteros!

Breeders!

Tom will be staying with a neighbor because my planned babysitter flaked on me. It sucks when someone you think you can lean on – who has leaned on you in the past – proves you wrong. Man it sucks when people hurt you.

People always fuck it up. Friends are so temporary. People always hurt you. FUCK!

IF ANYONE is reading this at all… how do you like the changes? I am not completely finished yet. I want to add a menu at the top.

Meanwhile, Most of my web sites are now updated and all that leaves are my dad’s and my cooking sites. I just finished one for a local non-profit. You can see it on Achtung. Go to my web site section.

I’m too tired to thing about this much more… good fucking night I have a lot to do in the next two weeks.

I have now been single again for a year. Can’t say the experience has been rewarding… no not in the least. I am pretty sure if I had not met Adolfo when I did and that we had not been together before that it is likely I might not have met anyone here. The faults of guys seem magnified here. Men are always looking for something better. Men are afraid of commitment. Men play games and delude themselves and the people who care about them.

SOUNDS REALLY JADED, HUH???

Maybe it is, but I keep holding on to hope. JUST meeting someone you can feel close to and stand next to and know that person has your back is such a big deal when that person comes along. Call him friend or lover, but both in one is awesome. In Vegas I want to meet someone like that.

Guys here are either whores, work-a-holics, or whores. I know a guy here who has been with his BF for years and I am fairly certain they are in the .0001% that are ACTUALLY monogamous. But damn if to look at them if they aren’t the most boring and dorky looky guys you have ever seen in your life…

Wonder why I have the jaded hearth on the web site now??? ha ha ha

I’m not really too jaded… and this is not a sour-puss’ rant. This is just a bitch session.

Yes, I miss Adolfo. But in some ways we were really wrong for each other and in other ways we were a great fit. But a year is gone now of being apart and I am now okay. I took a while to walk on my own… seems to always take about a year.

I met a guy in Portland (refer to last summer’s entries) that I fell for… but that was wrong too and so was he. God, what an idiot he was.

I met a guy on Facebook I think is way cool, but he lives in Boston.

I don’t have time for anyone – in reality – but that does not seem to be stopping me. from looking… I’m just a guy looking for another cool guy.