So – it’s “feelin’ – sorry – for – myself” time again. I am getting sick of boring Saturday evenings with nothing or no-one to do. All the boys I know are busy with their own lives or getting laid by the hot-looking boys… blah blah blah

I have no clue about men anymore. I have no idea what the hell I am doing. These days are so devoid of guys who can make a commitment to another man or to sanity. Sigh… it’s so nuts I am starting to doubt my own insanity.

Remember the Ben story…? or was that the one I deleted? Well, I may have written I was over that because I think I was/am getting to the point where I see him as someone who looks at me more as a pity-fuck than anything else. Well, over-stated as usual. But for the life of me I cannot remember the word I want to use… for days I cannot thing of the word that fits!!!!

Ugh… I hooked up with a guy last weekend whom I knew through my previous relationship. He acted like I was someone he wanted… well reality is he has a life of his own and he is not relationship material. Damn he is hot.

Anyone else previously mentioned is off the radar right now.

Gary and Cheryl will have given up on me with this entry. Sigh… I want someone… but I am starting to feel like there is no one. This sucks!

Not a single person commented on my previous post. I was hoping someone would… and I granted posting access to some of my friends. I put things into it I might not normally have said. Yes, it’s all true. But this period of life I am in and what I am exploring is just something new and exciting.

Gary’s comments on a recent posting still haunt me. Cheryl’s words also kinda haunt me… it was all about relationships and my pointless journey for finding a new mate. The plus of it all that in spite of the fact that I am not meeting my arch-type male I am meeting people I consider friends AND some are pretty damn cool.

That boy that lives near me is still someone I am crushing on, but I am seeing it all very differently lately. He seems to to look at me very differently than I look at him. He may want someone better looking I think, because he comments a lot about guys that are different than me. I think he likes the person inside of me, but my slight weight gain is enough to repell him.

Ans here I am struggling with my own self image and self esteem … just to get caught up in someone esles similar journey. It looks messy in that garden instead of greener all of a sudden.

I want to have a companion in life. Both for economic reasons as well as just to have someone around who can laugh at all the stupid shit life throws at us.

Love all

Summer 08 can go into the history books as one of the best summers I can remember. Why? Well, this weekend is just concluding and so is the latest weekend of my frolicy…

When school broke at the end of the Spring08 session I started going out and hanging out more. As you may heave read back, I also had a big fallout with John. Since then, John and I have renewed out friendship and let those wounds heal. I am a demanding bitch, but that Aries butt-head is a stubborn hole.

Anyway, since then we have been hanging out a lot at the Towne Center Square which is near the 215 and 15 freeways. It’s a lovely complex with great shops and food places. It’s all new and is really cool. Often ended up at Blue Martini for Happy Hour a and then drive home bordering on DUI.

Different people hung out with us over time. It was awesome getting people from my background and from John’s background. Marissa from school came. Mark and ___ (forget her name for the moment) were great to hang with. Debbie came down a lot and we had great times. It was all so good.

Then John introduced me to a gay couple here who are older. They are about 50 but look great. So for the last 4 weeks we have been going over to their place. It’s been so so so so so so cool.

They have a private pool I really enjoyed and took advantage of. I engaged in debauchery and with that came a lot of cool shit…. the first weekend we smoked at little skanky pot. But the following weekend one of the guys came up with some ecstasy which was amazing. Now, keep in mind that I had never done this shit before so the experience was different.

2 weeks ago I brought a guest to the party whom I was seriously crushing on. On x and feeling very amorous you can imagine it was tense… no – no nookie. But the we were able to be nude in the pool (though for the most part I was the only naked person til one of the hosts stripped down too).

Last weekend was quiet and a little boring. Nothing special going on, but all my energy was teaming up for Labor Day Weekend.

Monday was my day – aka Today – and one of our hosts got us more x for this weekend. It was way cool. I am still high while typing this.. which explains why the entry is so friggin long. I invited a few people along, but one came by besides the other guests were there. One guy came who turned out to be really cool. He used to date one of the friends of my ex. Turned out to be such a nice guy and it was cool.

So… last time I was on this stuff I typed a big stupid entry I ended up deleting the next day. Let’s see if this one survives when I re-read it tomorrow. ha ha ha

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HAPPEN TODAY???? Kaidy Kuna came to visit today with his new man… Mark. We had a nice lunch together. I miss Kaidy!

I am always tired and work is wearing me down… no life is wearing me down. I literally am living for Sunday’s. Sunday is my play day… and this summer has been awesome. I spent the first half of the summer hanging out with John at Towne Center Square thingy at the movies and Blue Martini… yum. If I kept that up I would have shirley (yes, I know how I spelled that) would have had a DUI. Oh, hell no.

BUT! Through John I met Alex and Perry. They are a couple who have a lovely house with a “private” pool. It’s been so nice… hanging out until late into the evening. Just floating around in the water has been fun… oh yeah… I should mention I was often naked in that water… tee hee

Yes, clothing optional. My parents were borderline hippies who belonged to a nudist colony when I was a kid… nudity to someone like me is just no clothes. BUT… this is the last big weekend of the year and I got work that Kaidy Kuna was coming and I am thrilled. You should see his commercials on YouTUBE. He directs and acts. He’s bringing some man meat along with him.

I hope to be able to post some new pics from the weekend… nothing dirty boys! Pigs!!!

xo

I deleted the post I made recently talking about a guy I fell for… more like fell on my face. That is exactly how dating has been for me lately. I really feel a strong connection to someone and find out how alone I am in the idea. Frankly, my whole romantic life has been a disaster anyway.

Yes, I know I got out of a relationship for 5 or 6 years with Adolfo last year. Well, that was in the shit-can 1/2 the time. He was always mad at me for something anyway whether I earned it or not.

I must be a real shit???? Someone let me know or give me feedback on this one, because I am dying to know. I can cook. I like to have fun. Travel – good. Looks – not horrible. Gregarious nature… good right? Yes, busy a lot and slight obsessive over dumb ideas… but otherwise I am not a horrible catch?!?!?!????!!!!???

Dating this year:

1. Kio or Kia or something like that – Japanese guy from last summer while I was in Portland. I got the “I’m not looking for a relationship b.s. on date #3 – then we dated for 2 months-ish and I was dumped … lied to about the reason, but dumped. (this is me rolling my eyes)

2. After a long dry spell – Jesse – hot Mexican guy here in LV. Connected and still connect on some levels when I see him around. I got the “…no relationship” speech on the tail of the 1st date – I said… why are we discussing this? This is only our first date…. good God I am in hell!

3. Was recent… Ben – another Mexican guy who I fell for really fast. Too fast… stupid fast. I am in a serious relationship deficit. Not used to not dating someone… I like the companionship!?!?!?!?!

Honorable mention goes to Ondreg… damn sexy Boston boy. If I was in Boston I swear I would have married this guy. He warned me he falls too fast and hard for someone… that would have been a Fusion Reaction, huh????

Alas, I am alone. I hang out. I have fun. People offer sex and stupidity and out of all of it I I am still empty handed. Those closest to me might have a clue, but the frustration is just draining.

Today I met another guy who look really cool… yeah, in Mexico! Another one of the unobtainable…. I am batting swell.

This gives me gas.

Life has been decent lately with some obvious exceptions. I am taking a new perspective on life here in LV while looking forward to getting through this last year of school. Ideally I should be finished by the end of March.

What’s next though? My job is working out okay. Wierd… with the projects I am working on… I actually look forward to the idea of going to work. Soon I will be posting out comps on the web sites I am working on for the company. I might get to completely redo t he site… my problem is that there are a lot of chiefs who want to put their 2 cents into it.

I built 2 comps today as well as completed a decent shine on the whole web site plan I have worked on. It’s looking good.

I have a second blog, did you know that? It’s connected to the achtung web site… you can see that through the link to the right over there.

…oh, I called Adolfo on Sunday to see how he was doing. He’s a great guy on so many levels. He is so stubborn, too. He is thinking about moving to South Carolina where his sister lives. I do not think he would like that…? He won;t make any money there.

… Deb is back too… she sounds like she is doing okay with the death of her brother.

…for those who give a shit.

I was carrying a lot of anger toward John in a way that was not really productive. You see, as you might be able to get from the previous blog, John’s lack of attention to a promise he made to me made me mad… blah blah blah.

Well, I wrote him that note and he wrote back basically giving up on the friendship. It was way to easy so I challenged him to actually act like this meant something to him. So,we ended up going for dinner Monday night at AGO… over at the Hard Rock… and talked about it. I still think he is clueless about where I was coming from but time will tell.

Where we stand… I am uncertain.

Dinner was decent at AGO (new place at Hard Rock that replaced Kerry Simon’s place) which is an Italian (I should put that in quotes). I had the Sea Bass. It was passable. But the winner was one of the deserts!!!! Oh my hell it was good. It was a Milfoy with a roasted almost pastry and a well made Bavarian. The fruit compute of Strawberries dressed it. Heaven. The wine we had was good too…

yeah me

I have this in my head a lot and decided to write John and tell him how I felt about where our friendship has gone to. I figured out there has not been a single male in this city who has been someone I could rely on. It’s very hard finding someone of quality friendship here. Tell me what you think:

“I have been thinking a lot about where I stand right now. Before I say anything more, let me make it clear that I understand you and I are not in a relationship beyond friends. I am not deluded in that. Having said that, I loved you so much that I could call you my best friend and feel a huge amount of value in that. Well, you let me down and I think I am still feeling so strongly about it – is because my feelings were so strong. I told you when we first hung out that if I ever felt you lost respect for me I would step out. Over the last 5 weeks since I last saw you I began to recognize that and then when you forgot about the favor I asked it seemed clear. I feel deeply hurt and the apology I got through adam4adam did very little to help. Since then I saw no effort on your part. So, I move on. I’m going to Charlies tonight and then coming home early. Unless I am missing something else – I will miss our freindship. I’ve been hurt before so I will survive this one too. Sorry about the drama. I had a lot to say, but this was already too much. No one like a girl to talk too much! Later”

Johnny Cash – love ya baby. Today I did something empowering. I went to the movies by myself. I am in a time when I feel like what friends I have they are miles away and few people are here I can trust or rely on. Not a single person around me but me I can rely on.

Sounds jaded or bitter? Fuck off… not in anyway. Reality is that if you need someone else in your life then you are co-dependent. If you are sick of people letting you down – you are jaded. Alas… I digress.

I was so uncomfortable at first and then this hot hot hot guy sat next to me. I knew him from somewhere – then I remembered him from the Venetian. He was a sweet guy there who I thought was straight. Maybe not… considering the two he was with.

Well, I went to see the Hulk and it was quite good. A far leap from the previous version. The first version of the Hulk was slapstick compared to this one. I saw in the credits that Lou Ferigno was the voice of the Hulk.

Well again – I ended up calling Adolfo. It was good to hear his voice. He is moving on with his life. We updated each other a bit and … well, that was pretty much it. There are still a lot of feelings there.

xo all!

Since just before I left for the Bahamas I have been dealing with a very disappointing event that left me reeling a bit. You see, there is this guy I have considered to be my “best friend” (BFF ya know). Well, not long ago he came to me and needed help with something and I dropped everything.

Well, over the last month I get ignored phone calls, blown off on times we normally hang out… blah blah blah. Well, I asked him for help and I was ignored. I told him I was very upset with him, but I am feeling a deep sens of betrayal. It stings…

So I ask myself how this happens to me all the time. It has to be me. It has to be something I am doing in my choices of people in my life. If I can;t rely on you let me know or be clear about it, then I can make my choices. I had a dear friend in Long Beach and found out right away I could never rely on him for anything… I could live with that and did for years. BUT GOD DAMN IT I AM SO SICK OF FUCKERS FUCKING ME THE FUCK OVER!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!