damn, I just read through my latest entries… don’t i sound like a sad-sack!

This weekend was a lot about struggling with emotional shit. My mom was put into the hospital on Friday for a clot in her lung and an irregular heart beat. My step brothers and sisters really rallied. They did such an amazing job of coming together that I felt like I let my mom down. They were all so amazing.

My mom is a woman who I looked at as being a real iron maiden; as it were. She was the one who was supposed to be the one who outlasted us all. So I figured. I mean to say, she has been such a strong scorpio woman that with my step-dad’s failing health I thought she would out pace him and then I would help her through her retirement.

Well, turns out she gets more and more frail every day and it makes me worry for her. I do not know if I have the capacity to be there for her. I might be more selfish than I thought? I might be a bad son? I might be unworthy of the support and love she has given me over the years.

I’ve made a lot of fucked up decisions in life and see that I am doubting myself a lot. I did not go to California to see her because when we talked on the phone she sounded good. DAMN!!!!

It’s funny though… a lot of people have been venting to me about their problems. Since Friday a few (several) people have come to me telling me about their personal problems with ex-fiancees, crack-head ex-roommates, selfish-bitch daughters giving their mother an attitude… and there is a a voice in my head shouting in the distance saying: “fuck you – I have my own problems. deal with your issues and piss-off” … but I can’t.

I have so few people in life to lean on. The people I care about most and would lean on the heaviest live so far away. My friend John, who I hang with almost every weekend, is dealing with his own shit. I see it in him, he holds back a lot and internalizes it like I do. LORD KNOWS he would never blog it like I do. I am blogging this morning to get some of this weight off my mind.

I am so depressed lately. I am constantly struggling in my own head and my own selfish world that if you could imagine someone barely keeping afloat in the ocean that would be me. Financially, emotionally, physically weighed down and struggling to keep the air in my lungs.

Sad thing is… many people are in the same boat… or out of the same boat. I mean hell, if there was a boat there would be little drowning. Yes, I still ahve a sense of humor about it. Call it a sense of perspective. Whenever I get caught up so deeply in my own shit I remember there are a lot of people who have it much worse and I could be in a much darker state of being mentally and physically. I still count my blessings.

So, I just talked to Michelle and Ryan. They are a couple people I once worked with in Los Angeles back in the day; they are a little younger than me. The company we worked at used to be one of the bigger Web Hosting companies in the country. Blah blah blah.. company sold and everyone laid off and lots of time passes….

So, I’ve made a few tributes to Michelle because I really like her spirit. Ryan was a decent guy I remember very well from the olden days… ha ha ha

THE POINT OF THIS ENTRY is that Ryan and I were talking after I talked to Michelle about a deom here in Vegas – which I seemed to have missed last week! ARGH!!! But, he gave me some links:

– Las Vegas BM meet group
– Pictures from LV peeps
– Apparently there is a lot of BM on Tribe.Net

THANKS RYAN!!!!

There is a group not far from here that also has some BM information. In fact, the layout is pretty sweet. It gives some better general information on the event for newbies and the like.

Link to: AZBurners.Org

I had to post it because it helped me out a lot in understanding a few things. It also gave a cool map to the events from 2008. What was extra cool is that it provides a very concise guide for newbies; like me. Also gives information about registered camps.

There is a gallery on the www.BurningMan.com site by a photog named Nightshade who has a lot of cool pic from last year’s BM.

I saw the art installation above on a few other pics, but this is the best one. This photog was Scott London who took this shot. Looks a little Photshopped, but not sure..

There is a lot to this event… this photo essay shows a lot. How does ALL OF THIS STUFF HAPPEN out there??? I am dying to know!!!!

Another cool pic above … photog

Here’s another…

Photog

And finally here is the link to Scott London’s gallery from last year… 2008

I must have gone through a 1000 pics on BurningMan.com …. I am learning more and more about what is going on at this place. It is simply amazing.

I have not posted only because I have been talking to a lot of people. Plan plan plan! Perry wants to rent an RV up in Reno and drive from there.. and he is not wanting to stay the full week. It’s all good to me. I got to get my Latins to come into the US and party with me next year. Hear that Argentina? How about you in Mexico City?

I put postings for new BM friends on gayoutdoors.com and facebook.com; my facebook had like 8 members for the Burning Man thingy within days… have to check it again!

People… come play with me in the desert sun!

There are days when my self esteem hits the dirt. Tonight I went to Coming Out Day festivities in Las Vegas. It was a nice event, but the headliner had not shown by 10pm and I was over it by that point; it was Ultra Nate. What the hell happened to that career that she is on a shit stage with SERIOUSLY BAD LIGHTING. Sigh…

The real thing is that there were a lot of people there with friends and I was alone. Gr. Just sucked… I have few friends. I keep my circle small. but this is ridiculous.

Hmmm… tomorrow is supposed to be a good day. Still waiting for proof of that. The last few weeks have been a serious disappointment because people flake like HELL here. I am so frustrated. Nah, now I just depressed. Ugh…

Well, time will tell. School is over in a few months and life can go in any direction from there.

I’m tired and babbling now. I will update you about tomorrow if things go well. xo

Another weekend past and I am waking up this Monday feeling very reflective. I am deep in my own head again. I feel very lost in where I shold be in life because of some self doubt in so many areas. Funny? I think there is still some of that baggage from when I was a kid with a dad who told me – very often – “you’ll never be good enough”. I hear that in my head still.

On Friday I drove out to my mom’s and stayed for the night. I got to see my step-sis and and step-dad. Worrying about them a bit is playing with my head as well. My parents are struggling a bit and they can’t do much. Christine, my step sis, is there helping out a lot. I wish I could do that more… but I feel so selfish.

Meanwhile, my dad had a birthday this weekend and I made the obligatory call. There has been a lot of changes in our relationship since I was a teen, but I can still say I rate pretty low in his book.

Baggage Baby! Yeah, I got it. I am struggling a lot and am in this non-stop sand-trap. Emotionally, financially, and my career(s) are just floundering. My stress is getting overwhelming.

I found this article on gay.com. 99.9% of gay men out there under 40 could never conceive of anything but external gratification of their self-esteem; yes including my past antics. But there are some interesting statements about getting older and body image. Self esteem… all the stuff I am missing.

Click to see

On the backside of another weekend, I am feeling very reflective and thoughtful about where I am in life again. Seems like I go through this a lot. I get an eternal message telling me that everything I am doing in life is a waste of time. My work with a web site I have been focused on for almost 3 months – someone pokes holes in the work (either really or perceptually) and now I feel like I am completely wasting my time.

It is very frustrating… every single person I have built a site for has been a pain in the ass on some level. No one knows what the hell they want and they think they know, but they don’t. Sigh, but in the end you just give them what they say they want and keep shaping it til they finally are satisfied.

People fucking suck.

So, I drove out to California Friday night and saw my mom. She and my step-dad are retired and are just making it through day after day. Both seem kinda bored with retirement. I worry about them a lot… and it was my dad’s birthday tool. sigh