One week of unemployment down and though I have made some efforts to look for work most of my energy was directed at school and related projects. The thing is many of those projects are going to boost my resume.

I am at a point where I am just drifting. Leaving my last job was NOT devastating. The only bad part was 1.Losing the $ I was being paid which was very generous, and 2. Leaving some cool people who I enjoyed working with.

Since the beginning of this school quarter I have been struggling. Between the stress of a full time + job and 7 classes at school, getting ready for graduation in 6 weeks…. imagine that.

I am finding this year to be a serious roller coaster ride.

– I worry about paying bills
– I worry that my computer at home is on it’s dying breath
– I worry about being single still and not dating at all… NO ONE is interested.

So as optimistic as I am to my soul there are moments when it is a dire struggle. I feel like just giving up entirely because as much as I struggle my fiscal growth is still very horizontal. Yes, I judge my success by my income and title. My success in life is okay…

In life I have my usual small circle of friends and I don’t feel like I am an important element to any of them. I always seem to be that friend that is never top of the list… sorta the friend who rates 3rd or something. This is not a poor-me thing (fuck you for thinking that). As loyal and endearing to my true friends as I am I think a lot of people keep looking for some agenda from me. I don’t do that.

I stand quietly participating in a world of madness.

Ondreg on faceBook asked me about what was going on… I got a case of diarhea of the mouth… here is what I wrote:

“So much, baby. School is wrapping up in 6 weeks which means I’ll have my B.S. in web design and multimedia. I’ve been trying to stay active in the community here with social/networking stuff. It’s been an interesting adventure but there is a tremendous sense of transition hanging over me. I guess it also relates to the fact I lost my job last week and though I am a good prospect I have not started an actual “job search” so far. Seeing what is on the playing field and trying to see what my options are??? Hm. Still scratching my ass wondering. I want to date or be with someone a lot, but NOTHING is coming up. I have changed my lifestyle a lot over the last year and maybe the core of who I am is not SO different, but I am trying to evolve and I am doing this on my own a lot. Yes, Ondreg, you are so attractive to me but so are a half-dozen other guys. If I could JUST get one of you to reciprocate I wold be thrilled. BUT, yea there is a lot in my head as you can tell. You asked the question.”

There is always a lot of things to be prepared for, and this week I learned about a lot of things. I’ve heard a lot of pedestrians (we’re all pedestrians come to think of it) … how about secular people…. anyway…

When getting ready for Burningman I got a great tip from DJ Virgil during a dialog we had at another meetup gathering this last weekend. He told me about the alkali in the desert that – if not prepared for – can be a big difference in your enjoyment. Seem the alkali will severely dry your skin and to neutralize it you should use a combination of water and vinegar; then apply lotion to your feel, hands, body or where ever to keep it healthy.

Way cool information, huh???? Speaking of which. A Burner on the Yahoo Groups sent out a link to a site that you can use to shop and prepare for your journey using earth friendly products.

Link to Livinity – Thanks Violet!

The guys on the Burningman Meetup have been great with sharing information and what to be prepared for. It’s great to network like that. I have another veteran burner coming to my house this weekend. He is the guy that teaches naked yoga here and he and his partner are going to be off teaching again at the big burn.

I am unemployed.

Tonight I met someone face to face who made me think about the journey. I love the people I met at the LVBurners! I do. Heteros and other… honest truth I’m not sure who is and who’s not?!?!?! I want people to know about this shit!

Tonight I had an interesting evening with a local nude yoga group I enjoy. A guy was there I met once before, named Shawn, whom I had also spoke to on the phone on a separate occasion.

The core of these classes seem to have Burners attached to them and they seem like a slightly different flavor than the Burners I hand with in the desert. David – who runs the yoga class – is a 6 year burner. Shawn is also a burner going back in time.

When I first me Shawn (a yogi) the first time I was attracted to an energy he emulated and I talked to him. He was reasonably polite but I felt blown off. It’s baggage on my self esteem and wasted energy, but none the less a person feels – ya know.

Well, I talked to him on the phone once not-knowing we had met before and man – this guy had awesome energy. I felt charged just having talked to him.

Meeting him tonight, talking in the low lights before class, he had that spark that energizes people around him. But then whammo! I saw this tattoo on his back and recognized him right away from the brushoff at the gym. That baggage came flying back in the door like a giant airbag.

Talking afterward, I found him to be a warm guy. I like people that radiate that energy, but when yo catch a glimpse of something darker in that light it’s just kinda sad. Baggage! Put the bags away… ha ha ha

This adds light to issues I have trying to connect to other people. From Minnie to Indigo to Captain Bill – Davis and Shawn – people with bright lights that can – CAN – CAN bring brilliant healing energy and often do.

Shallow or cold, I wanted to know this guy. Maybe we are all shallow to some degree. Hell, I like a certain type as well. The soul has the power of shining a bright light and even a fat bastard like me can hopefully share in that good energy.

I’m toxic. I’m dark. I feel like a black hole and trying to break away from that feels so tiring. My journey began a while back about the time I got back from Portland and a year after that I started looking at the world differently. Still am. My journey took a pause this week and now I am rethinking some of the path taken.

I want to walk with Journey with someone cool and a lot of times I really miss my ex, but he is on his own journey. I put a lot of energy into people who simply do not deserve that love. And others who just blow it off (this is not about Shawn).

Funny how fast people you care about spit back in my face the chewed up spew of love and trust I gave them. It’s only condition applied is …’please treat me with respect back’.

I’m guilty of stupid shit too! I’ve been an asshole more times than I can count. But generally I say I am a good guy. I hope someone values my energy.

As I progress to finally getting my BS in 8 weeks and counting, there is a tremendous sense of pressure and stress that is mounting to such a level I have never known this feeling. To say never, might be strong, but demands are coming at me from all directions.

When this full moon cycle began I was having tremendous luck and successes.. it was as if there was nothing I could do wrong. Thank God that some important events were taking place in those times. But gradually through the phase of the cycle things are getting more and more sour and now I am starting to be careful watching for land mines in the road ahead… time to stay low and move fast maybe?

Last night my boss called and ripped me a new one… something I have to fix today. He is a non-creative dealing with a creative and it can be daunting, but this is also the most challenging and rewarding job I have ever had.

On the other side of the coin, an employee I hired to help with a project is waffling and threatening to leave the team because he says he is in over his head. When he is finally contributing successfully, now he is ready to flee. I’m just stunned and frustrated there too.

Ugh, the real world sucks… burningman take me away. ha ha ha

I got my ticket… I got my ticket… I got my ticket… I got my ticket… I got my ticket… I got my ticket… I got my ticket… I got my ticket… I got my ticket… I got my ticket… I got my ticket… I got my ticket…

Yeah, I bought it on the 15th and the Jack Rabbit is still selling them in the lower price tiers. None of my freinds outside the local burner group have got their tickets yet. They suck… ha ha ha

…seeya in 8 months!

There has been a lot of things that have weighed heavily on me lately. Some of my demons have come back to haunt me and with all the pressure on my head it has become very prevalent.

1. I burned off the poisonous relationship with my father as I will with anyone in my life that is a bad energy. Years of verbal abuse and just outright meanness have taken their toll and I figured out he was, and never will be there for me. Not since I was a kid… maybe he realized he had some faggot for a kid and wrote me off long ago anyway.

2. I had a really dark experience when I was a kid (17) and it haunts me. Can;t talk about that one.

Oh God there is so much more. But it is late. Suffice to say that an angel touched my heart today and all the broken glass moved a little closer to a whole. This kind of healing needs a lot more than one angel can mend. But durnit, it helps a lot.

Since this weekend, there has been something eating at me. I imagine I am not the only one who feels this way, but I feel like I am walking around with a big hole in my chest that can’t be filled. It’s like a black hole in space, but located right in the center of my chest. Feels sucky.