Author Archive: scott.kay

Updating some of the Galleries

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To note >>> over there at the edge of this thing, I might have commented about the galleries being faulty and stop working. It took the NextGen people a long time to fix it, but that goodness until it is broke again. Wah wah. 

Anyhoo, since I just added pics from our New York trip from a while back I left out the story about this Korean pop-up we went to. It was getting a lot of buzz and Waffles was dead set to have it. It was a fixed menu served in courses and solid proof that people are just too desperate for something cool and this was far from it. It was pretentious to the hilt. Like, way overhyped and way not great. Here are my pics of each dish. Because I did that. 

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This was an appetizer that started off the whole thing. It was just a sign of what was to come… ha ha aha ha

Writer Update

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I am so blessed that my latest editor got me back my book completed with all copyediting and proofreading. His comments were inspiring and I made sure I thanked him in the acknowledgements of the book. I also wrote a new synopsis that rocks and James (the Editor) gave me some excelled feedback on it and as of last night I reached out to 2 literary agents hoping to start marking my road forward. 

The book is called ELDRITCH: Tale of the Four Winds. I completed writing the full trilogy this last week. Book Two is done. Book Three is in first draft. My goal was to be able to put a pen cap on the series, but in truth I have 2 more book ideas from it that can go somewhere someday.

One is short stories based on the trilogy. Because there are all kinds of side stories and character histories worth exploring. 

One is a time jump to the future and see what happens fifty or a hundred years later. 

The story arch is amazing. I may put out more on this, but for now I am sticking with this. I put some bits here in my creativity section. Check it out if you like.

Over time I hired 3 editors. One flaked on me half way through the project, but he still gave me some valuable help. I paid him for this time, but I learned to check on people more in the future. The second editor was all about story and flow. A paid reader as it were who gave me suggestions for flow. And lastly, James, a star in heaven who was tough and gave me the feedback I needed and did an amazing job at copywriting and editing. I am thrilled. 

And one more thing. I came across this entry from 2013 when I first started to pen this project and am stunned how far it came along. Sunned! 

Toodles!

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Started working on the Music Section today and made a decent first dent. It’s coming to light I am taking too much on again and the music page is going to evolve over time. Of course there will be lots of links in there, but time will tell.

I went out on Saturday night and over-did it. Then I had to go to work for an OT day on Sunday and and suffered… like suffered. Still not 1–%, but that could be other things too. Ugh, dieting. Ugh, the fucking holidays. Ugh, working on the non-profit. Ugh, lots of Ughs.

Anyway, this is just a short groan session. Toodles.

Something different – Happy Thanksgiving

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I started a new med for depression and anxiety and my world has really changed. I am feeing much more balanced and much like my old self. If you only knew me well enough to see what that change was like, but I was not in a good place for a long while. I think many of my posts over recent years has really shown that. 

This week was something special for me too. Last week my partner (aka Waffles) went to L.A. for a few days and a good friend of mine stayed here and we spent a lot of time together. I got to decompress in ways I did not know I needed. Having Matt here was refreshing and made me feel appreciated. I also got some time to reflect on myself and realize some things about myself and about Waffles. 

There have been some things that have been rising to the surface and seeing them through Matt’s eyes was a bit of an eye opener. In some ways the break, and having someone else around, was a revelation. There are things about my Waffles that I thought I saw, but was not sure of. And being aware, I feel safer and better for it. 

I might be less crazy than I thought. I might have less shame about myself than I thought. I care more, but I am more empathetic to the world around me. If this sounds like riddles, then so be it. But, my world had brightened and I am very grateful for it. 

Nice who what?

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As I was writing this post I took this picture. This t-shirt says a lot… yikes.

Today a lady at the Safeway looked me in the face and told me I had beautiful eyes. We both smiled, I said thank you, and we moved in opposite directions. I saw another lady and we smiled at each other too. It was a very sweet and nice encounter.

Little do any of them know I that when I was driving to the market, my skin was crawling with anxiety and I could feel myself almost reeling. I was certain something horrible was going to happen. At least, probably caused by me. Maybe me acting like a jerk even if I did not mean it. But, I was aware of the creeping feeling and kept it reigned in. 

I asked myself, why did I have to try so hard to be cool on the outside even when I was running around like chicken-little on the inside. Why was that energy expended on staying in control. Today I might not know the answer. But glad I kept my shit together. 

Just another update

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Halloween 2022: This did not come out the way I had hoped, but maybe better next time.

I am wanting to make more posts, but I am struggling with finding time. More so, I struggle to find myself in the life I have right now. I have changed my attitude about a lot of things in my dominate personality anyway, and fight back the others. It’s been a fight, but trying to take care of myself gets hard. 

This is about finding time to get all the things done I want to. And the barriers of achieving that, versus the things I want to have out of life. I suppose in those ways I am like my mom, where I think life should not be as hard as it is. If I want, or need something, there should be a way to get it. And there is, but method is everything.

I chose to have a loving relationship with my partner so I have to give up some behaviors and engage in others that keep peace between us and the world. Right? I have been working toward another career, but finding the time to devote myself to it has been another barrier. I have to choose what I put my energy into.

Same with the life I have. I wrote before about how lonely I have been and what it counts for friends in my life. So, I have to devote time to the people who want to spend time with me. My chosen family is getting better and stronger. My biological family has been a total disaster. I crave family and connections, but I have lost touch with a lot of that until recently.

I started looking around to see who was there. My Las Vegas people are still there, roaring in the distance. New friends like Ra and others from my most recent burning man journey. And a lot of women have been really supportive and present. But, I have to say, not many gay men. It’s been a bummer. 

So I am starting to focus on the things that I need to matter more and will make comments about that as time proceeds. Change is happening and I am questioning if the things in my life right now are worth keeping. And going to Burning Man is on one of those lists… how is it I feel so lonely every time I go there even if I am surrounded by thousands of people? Well, let’s see what happens. 

Change two

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scotts face

My plan to reduce the people I have tagged into my life that are not present is moving slow. It seems simple to “unfollow” and “unfriend” people on Facebook, but there are complications. I recently did that to someone and I got a message from that person asking me why? I mean, we became FB friends and then nothing. 

My habit has been, that when birthday announcements roll around that if I have no knowledge of said person or the vine has long withered, I did the dirty deed. Consistently that has not been a problem. 

I met someone once who wanted to be my Facebook Friend and told me he had 3000 friends on Facebook. So, I blocked him. He collected friends. WTF? 

Anyway, I will figure this out. I want to make sure I am not over-reaching. I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. I’m not sure what the future holds, but TBH I feel like a lot of post-covid folks, post-burn, are going through the same reflections. 

 

Time of change

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I am thinking it is time for some changes and I am not sure how far they need to go. I have, in the past, gone too far without knowing where to stop. I am working with what is in front of me. So I have to figure out how to do what I am planning on doing. Try this…

I need to weed out the people who are doing nothing in my life. – me

So, I am thinking it’s time to purge Facebook and time to trim down on my social networks. I mean, I know a lot of people but I literally barely have any friends. And, almost NO ONE to hang out with. Thankfully I have been able to hang with Scooter and Chris and things are good in that area. But, no one to go out and do stupid things I like to do. 

Not that any of that will necessarily change with the purging, but it is time to focus on the things that are good and healthy for me. And a big part of the last 20 years has been a series of decisions that have not been all that healthy. 

So, here is to working out what those things will be and see what I do about it by writing it here. 

This thing… it’s awful (trigger warning)

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the man in the mirrorLet me start off with a trigger warning on this one, because I am talking about suicide and death. This subject has been on my mind and if you have not been able to tell from my recent posts about Burning Man this year, then you have not really been paying attention. 

Last week I found out someone I knew was killed when he was hit by a car. I hear he was killed instantly and did not suffer. The loss of someone who shined that bright in the world really bummed me out. We were not friends in my definition of friends, but we were comfortable with each other to be very friendly. He was, in my opinion, a bright light in the world. 

Flashback to the beginning of the year when another soul I saw a a tremendous and brilliant light in my universe was taken away because of a heart attack brought on by drug use. His college age daughter came into my work a couple weeks ago and gave me an amazing hug. When the person in the previous paragraph news hit me I think I was transported back when I found out when person B was lost. 

Add that there are a lot of people around me suffering because of recent suicides that were planned out. I feel the heart-ache from these friends and see the pain of losing those people. 

Add to that these cheesy messages crudely attempting to reach out to people who are thinking about suicide:

If you or someone you know has talked about contemplating suicide,
call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at:
1-800-273-825

Maybe these appeal to people who are triggered and not sure of they want to end it all. Recently, people in my universe seem to be planning it out and that is not the customer who is calling these numbers above. 

I would never call one of those numbers. I think calling Walmart Customer Service would be more enticing. That!.. would surely kill me. 

I can tell you how close I was to being one of them. But the thing that keeps me from doing it is the faces of the loved ones who around me. To think about hurting any of them is more than I could endure in life or death. I firmly believe in leaving this world better than when you arrive and I strive to do that everyday. I fail at it tremendously sometimes. But… I get back up and push on. 

I wanted to get this off my chest. I firmly believe no one will read this. Nor is anyone really paying attention to my blog. All these years of waaaah and whine hardly appeal to people today. And it should be noted while I blog more when in a funk I am often in a lovely place! Thank you for… well nothing. No one reads me. 

The Last Word on BM2022

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This will hopefully be my final post following up my journey to Burning Man 2022. I left the burn early because I was not doing well physically or mentally. I did not take great care of myself and I am too stubborn to let others help me, unless they do. Radical self reliance is not always a healthy perspective (it is one of our community founding principles). 

Physically I may have ended up causing serious harm to my feet and legs. It started with my job, being on my feet all the time, and was exacerbated by shitty shoes, stubbornness, and commitment to doing things I promised even though it was killing me. Good news, I lost some weight while out there…but not nearly enough to make it matter. Now the goal is to be focused on my health and what I can do to be better at that.

Mentally – no one can deny that being in the desert in those circumstances is not stressful. The heat, the exhaustion, and then the crazy shit we do can tear a person down. This is a good thing, but bring the boards you need to build a foundation that can help lift you up when you are broken. Sleep, nutrition, medications… all those things! I tried and did not do as great as I thought.

By Friday, I was seeing my mortality. By the time I decided to leave, I was certain that it would not take much to break me beyond repair. I seriously kept thinking (obsessing) over a friend of a friend who ended his own life fearing I would want to do the same. But, the idea of leaving any pain in the wake of my passing is/was more than I could bare. 

Leave this world better than when you came in to it. Leave people with good memories. Some of those people will never be happy, but leave on the best terms you can… my brain-song.