Author Archive: scott.kay

Something different – Happy Thanksgiving

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I started a new med for depression and anxiety and my world has really changed. I am feeing much more balanced and much like my old self. If you only knew me well enough to see what that change was like, but I was not in a good place for a long while. I think many of my posts over recent years has really shown that. 

This week was something special for me too. Last week my partner (aka Waffles) went to L.A. for a few days and a good friend of mine stayed here and we spent a lot of time together. I got to decompress in ways I did not know I needed. Having Matt here was refreshing and made me feel appreciated. I also got some time to reflect on myself and realize some things about myself and about Waffles. 

There have been some things that have been rising to the surface and seeing them through Matt’s eyes was a bit of an eye opener. In some ways the break, and having someone else around, was a revelation. There are things about my Waffles that I thought I saw, but was not sure of. And being aware, I feel safer and better for it. 

I might be less crazy than I thought. I might have less shame about myself than I thought. I care more, but I am more empathetic to the world around me. If this sounds like riddles, then so be it. But, my world had brightened and I am very grateful for it. 

Nice who what?

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As I was writing this post I took this picture. This t-shirt says a lot… yikes.

Today a lady at the Safeway looked me in the face and told me I had beautiful eyes. We both smiled, I said thank you, and we moved in opposite directions. I saw another lady and we smiled at each other too. It was a very sweet and nice encounter.

Little do any of them know I that when I was driving to the market, my skin was crawling with anxiety and I could feel myself almost reeling. I was certain something horrible was going to happen. At least, probably caused by me. Maybe me acting like a jerk even if I did not mean it. But, I was aware of the creeping feeling and kept it reigned in. 

I asked myself, why did I have to try so hard to be cool on the outside even when I was running around like chicken-little on the inside. Why was that energy expended on staying in control. Today I might not know the answer. But glad I kept my shit together. 

Just another update

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Halloween 2022: This did not come out the way I had hoped, but maybe better next time.

I am wanting to make more posts, but I am struggling with finding time. More so, I struggle to find myself in the life I have right now. I have changed my attitude about a lot of things in my dominate personality anyway, and fight back the others. It’s been a fight, but trying to take care of myself gets hard. 

This is about finding time to get all the things done I want to. And the barriers of achieving that, versus the things I want to have out of life. I suppose in those ways I am like my mom, where I think life should not be as hard as it is. If I want, or need something, there should be a way to get it. And there is, but method is everything.

I chose to have a loving relationship with my partner so I have to give up some behaviors and engage in others that keep peace between us and the world. Right? I have been working toward another career, but finding the time to devote myself to it has been another barrier. I have to choose what I put my energy into.

Same with the life I have. I wrote before about how lonely I have been and what it counts for friends in my life. So, I have to devote time to the people who want to spend time with me. My chosen family is getting better and stronger. My biological family has been a total disaster. I crave family and connections, but I have lost touch with a lot of that until recently.

I started looking around to see who was there. My Las Vegas people are still there, roaring in the distance. New friends like Ra and others from my most recent burning man journey. And a lot of women have been really supportive and present. But, I have to say, not many gay men. It’s been a bummer. 

So I am starting to focus on the things that I need to matter more and will make comments about that as time proceeds. Change is happening and I am questioning if the things in my life right now are worth keeping. And going to Burning Man is on one of those lists… how is it I feel so lonely every time I go there even if I am surrounded by thousands of people? Well, let’s see what happens. 

Change two

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scotts face

My plan to reduce the people I have tagged into my life that are not present is moving slow. It seems simple to “unfollow” and “unfriend” people on Facebook, but there are complications. I recently did that to someone and I got a message from that person asking me why? I mean, we became FB friends and then nothing. 

My habit has been, that when birthday announcements roll around that if I have no knowledge of said person or the vine has long withered, I did the dirty deed. Consistently that has not been a problem. 

I met someone once who wanted to be my Facebook Friend and told me he had 3000 friends on Facebook. So, I blocked him. He collected friends. WTF? 

Anyway, I will figure this out. I want to make sure I am not over-reaching. I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. I’m not sure what the future holds, but TBH I feel like a lot of post-covid folks, post-burn, are going through the same reflections. 

 

Time of change

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I am thinking it is time for some changes and I am not sure how far they need to go. I have, in the past, gone too far without knowing where to stop. I am working with what is in front of me. So I have to figure out how to do what I am planning on doing. Try this…

I need to weed out the people who are doing nothing in my life. – me

So, I am thinking it’s time to purge Facebook and time to trim down on my social networks. I mean, I know a lot of people but I literally barely have any friends. And, almost NO ONE to hang out with. Thankfully I have been able to hang with Scooter and Chris and things are good in that area. But, no one to go out and do stupid things I like to do. 

Not that any of that will necessarily change with the purging, but it is time to focus on the things that are good and healthy for me. And a big part of the last 20 years has been a series of decisions that have not been all that healthy. 

So, here is to working out what those things will be and see what I do about it by writing it here. 

This thing… it’s awful (trigger warning)

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the man in the mirrorLet me start off with a trigger warning on this one, because I am talking about suicide and death. This subject has been on my mind and if you have not been able to tell from my recent posts about Burning Man this year, then you have not really been paying attention. 

Last week I found out someone I knew was killed when he was hit by a car. I hear he was killed instantly and did not suffer. The loss of someone who shined that bright in the world really bummed me out. We were not friends in my definition of friends, but we were comfortable with each other to be very friendly. He was, in my opinion, a bright light in the world. 

Flashback to the beginning of the year when another soul I saw a a tremendous and brilliant light in my universe was taken away because of a heart attack brought on by drug use. His college age daughter came into my work a couple weeks ago and gave me an amazing hug. When the person in the previous paragraph news hit me I think I was transported back when I found out when person B was lost. 

Add that there are a lot of people around me suffering because of recent suicides that were planned out. I feel the heart-ache from these friends and see the pain of losing those people. 

Add to that these cheesy messages crudely attempting to reach out to people who are thinking about suicide:

If you or someone you know has talked about contemplating suicide,
call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at:
1-800-273-825

Maybe these appeal to people who are triggered and not sure of they want to end it all. Recently, people in my universe seem to be planning it out and that is not the customer who is calling these numbers above. 

I would never call one of those numbers. I think calling Walmart Customer Service would be more enticing. That!.. would surely kill me. 

I can tell you how close I was to being one of them. But the thing that keeps me from doing it is the faces of the loved ones who around me. To think about hurting any of them is more than I could endure in life or death. I firmly believe in leaving this world better than when you arrive and I strive to do that everyday. I fail at it tremendously sometimes. But… I get back up and push on. 

I wanted to get this off my chest. I firmly believe no one will read this. Nor is anyone really paying attention to my blog. All these years of waaaah and whine hardly appeal to people today. And it should be noted while I blog more when in a funk I am often in a lovely place! Thank you for… well nothing. No one reads me. 

The Last Word on BM2022

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This will hopefully be my final post following up my journey to Burning Man 2022. I left the burn early because I was not doing well physically or mentally. I did not take great care of myself and I am too stubborn to let others help me, unless they do. Radical self reliance is not always a healthy perspective (it is one of our community founding principles). 

Physically I may have ended up causing serious harm to my feet and legs. It started with my job, being on my feet all the time, and was exacerbated by shitty shoes, stubbornness, and commitment to doing things I promised even though it was killing me. Good news, I lost some weight while out there…but not nearly enough to make it matter. Now the goal is to be focused on my health and what I can do to be better at that.

Mentally – no one can deny that being in the desert in those circumstances is not stressful. The heat, the exhaustion, and then the crazy shit we do can tear a person down. This is a good thing, but bring the boards you need to build a foundation that can help lift you up when you are broken. Sleep, nutrition, medications… all those things! I tried and did not do as great as I thought.

By Friday, I was seeing my mortality. By the time I decided to leave, I was certain that it would not take much to break me beyond repair. I seriously kept thinking (obsessing) over a friend of a friend who ended his own life fearing I would want to do the same. But, the idea of leaving any pain in the wake of my passing is/was more than I could bare. 

Leave this world better than when you came in to it. Leave people with good memories. Some of those people will never be happy, but leave on the best terms you can… my brain-song.

Getting back to the flow… or a new flow

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Last night’s post was very liberating for me because there was a sense of catharsis. Also, people coming out of Burning Man have been messaging me about the exodus. It was six hours for most people. Gratefully, I drove straight out with nothing in the way. I think there were 2 cars on the road when I left. Thank goodness.

Still putting things away from my week at Burning Man. But, most of it is away. The deep and dark feelings have been getting some attention and hopefully not pity. It was hard to open up on those things and I am still feeling a bit raw about it. I feel changed to my core, but hopefully changed in a good way. There is still enough broken glass in here that I am managing. 

My days home have gone to good use. Working on feeling better and healing. My feet are much better. My knee is a cunt. My back is … a pain. Achy, distant, stressed and worried about going back to work tomorrow. My brain is still a rotten cabbage. 

So I also decided to dive into a sewing project. This is a kilt (overkilt) I have been planning on for a while. Stay tuned updates.

Burning Man 2022 – Waking Dreams

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I thought I might do a better job at recalling all the details, but as I reflected back writing this I know I missed a lot. Without a lot of unnecessary jabber, there were good days and bad days. The bad ones were intensely hard and did my head in, in spite of some of the great things that happened. 

Would I go back to Burning Man again? I am less confident than ever right now. I have 2 ideas about the future. Either bring CMonster (aka Kimchee) with me in a camping situation with a camper or RV? Or, stick to regionals and more basic, local community events. 

So, the future is unclear. 

Day 1: Leaving the Bay Area – Friday, August 27th

It seemed like nothing was going to go right. I left Oakland before 11am and drove out. Traffic was okay and I stopped for food, some last minute supplies and then out to Burning Man. It was a real struggle, but nothing to keep me from moving ahead. 

  • Going to Walmart was an abject failure. In the past the company really stocked up on stuff Burners needed but they really dropped the ball.
    • Reno: out of almost everything I needed.
    • Fernley: Had a bike I could buy but not much more outside of food. The folks in Fernley, NV are so nice. 

Day 2: Arriving on Playa in Black Rock City – Saturday, August 28th

Got through the gates in 2 hours (a miracle) and got to my camp by 2am. The gate team was really rocking it out. I was camping with Scooter (Coffee Cup) and Kickstand (Propeller) + his bf Theo whom I barely got to know through the week. I was in a tent, Scooter slept in his Honda and Kickstand + Theo slept in their very comfy, a/c filled RV. 

Day 3: Sunday

I was genuinely anticipating this day like crazy, because I was working to get certified as a Black Rock City Ranger – and I was successful. I was elated, thrilled, and felt very blessed. I honestly did not think I would make it, but they welcomed me in. It was a 10+ hour shift working with 3 mentors walking through the city and just being there to help people

What is a Black Rock City Ranger? They are a representative of the city that essentially works like a host at a party to keep people happy. Not cops. Not authorities. But, given the wrong circumstances there is problem solving techniques that have authority. I hope to never employ those, because I really enjoyed answering questions from people and helping them help themselves. 

  • Certified as a Black Rock City Ranger after a 10+ hour shift with 3 mentors! 
  • Went out after and had a great evening with my L.A. Boys

Day 4: Monday

Hard, hot day, which was going to be the theme for the rest of the week. 

Got to catch up with a lot of people this day, which I really needed. Still, missed a lot of people I wanted to see. 

Caught up with Raul and Dago after they arrived and visited them over at Comfort & Joy for a while

  • Santa & Zebra at the HOTD which filled me with joy
  • Matt, the rest of Land of Monkey – meeting up and hanging out for a while 
  • The guys from Dickstracted Camp – Estaban & Leo
  • Over to  Beardhaus to see Fireball and saw Migelitoo (a one time serious crush) 
  • Jill and Ron at Orphan Endorphin
  • Megan at Spanky’s (never saw Jonathan at any time I went by)

Day 5: Tuesday

Planned a day with Raul and Dago which did not go as planned. There were a few things that went really verkakte and I might have 2 full blown anxiety attacks over it. It was rough… like rough. It was my first night feeling overwhelmingly defeated and to the point in my head that was truly dark. It was going to happen again later in the week, but I did not handle it well and made some really bad decisions with where and how I spent my time. This might have been a huge breaking point for me. 

Day 6: Wednesday – my favorite night

Me standing over a piece I was excited to visit with Nico on Wednesday

My schedule for Wednesday was super booked. I went over to my old camp (Land of Monkey) to hang out, and as I started out I realized the boots I was wearing were cutting into my foot. So I turned around to change shoes. Ignoring how sore my feet were to begin with, I changed and went on. 

By later afternoon my feet were screaming at me for several reasons. The cut, the soreness of my bottom of my feet, and my knee kept going out. I walked back from Monkey in spite of it. 

Ra and Dago and Dimitri

However I had plans with the boys that evening. My bike had broken down. My feet were all I had. But I was bemoaning how sore I was and the lovely Ra (Raul and Dago) along with Rico managed to get a gold cart that 9 of us could ride on and tour the playa together enhanced to the max and have a great evening. This was the best night I have known in so long. I was so happy, filled with love, filled with pure joy. I sore feet.

Because I was working the next day (starting at 6pm), I bowed out on the kids at 2am and went to bed and got a good night sleep. 

Day 7: Thursday

My first duty night as a Black Rock City Ranger with a 6+ hour shift. I was sooooo worried I was going to end up with some kind of jerk, homophobe, agro-jerk that I had to prepare myself for anything. I did get partnered with a person named Ranger Group Hug. If a Care Bear and a Rastafarian had a baby you might recognize “Group Hug”. She was super amazing. 

On the other hand, my feet hurt so bad I was dissolving on the inside. I was not 100% there, but I pushed through it because I really wanted “Group Hug” to see me as someone fun and a good partner. She was infectious. When I got off my shift,  had to walk back to camp at a super slow pace. I ate something and went right to bed. 

Day 8: Friday – when it spiraled out

I was taking a day off between Thursday and Friday because I wanted to. I considered working another day, but I was at Burning Man to have more fun than work. Maybe that was where I was going wrong, because I woke up with the weight of the world on my shoulders. The pain from the previous 3 days was breaking me inside. 

Bonus! I was given a meal on the commissary from Burning Man for my Thursday work-shift. So, Scooter and I went down and I had real food – with meat in it! I ate chicken, I’m not that into meat but I did it. And it was tasty. With lots of veggies and iced tea!!! Yeah!!!!! 

On the way over, Scooter managed to get my bike “functioning”, but it was a problem most of the way. I had to step 5x to catch my breath. I was unable to control my breathing. It was crushing. SO, I told him at lunch I was thinking about leaving. It was the last straw and I was dying inside. 

My suite at Circus Circus

To tell you I was in a dark place in my head, would be an understatement. 

If I drove directly home I would have arrived about 1am, and I was already flamed out. So, I stopped at the Circus Circus after using Hotels.Com to find a place… ended up in a 1 bedroom suite that cost a pretty penny. Fuck. Ate at a buger place and slept like a baby in a large king sized bed alone. 

Day 9: Saturday -Circus Circus Hotel and driving home

The night before, I washed some of my clothes in the sink at the hotel because I could not find anything in the car after I parked. I got up, bailed on Reno, and went home to my honey-bunny. 

Conclusion

I have to learn about what brings me joy and what brings me down – in more ways than one. It would seem as plain as the nose on my face, but the mind, heart and id all seem to speak different languages. 

My own personal health issues took over at some point, be they mental or physical. I was not taking care of myself very good and I made it impossible for anyone around me to see how much I was struggling. Anyone who is reading this, any friend of mine who might dismiss this as drama, please unfriend me now and move on. I was in a deep, dark, bad place.

Friends of mine from Orphan Endorphin were dealing with a loss of a campmate, and that impact kept playing over and over in my head. I would never want to leave people I cared about in a wake of pain. Mostly, and seriously CMonster who matters to me a lot. 

I was right there. I could understand why he chose to leave. They… because there were others too. I heard about 2 people that week that planned their end and I was seriously trying to figure out if it was my turn. 

But that did not happen. I chose to leave BM because of the choices I made that were wrong for me. To find myself a better place to ponder my future… I left. 

This week on Scott.2.0

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Pride weekend just happened. I made an effort to break a habit of locking myself in at home. I wanted badly to volunteer and help the Comfort & Joy folks with setup with their big party for pride, which of course would get me access to the event. I was happy to help. In fact, seeing the people and being engaged was 50% of the best part. The other 50% was just being there. 

Pride Weekend for me

I had to go through an internal dialog about being open. I needed to find a space to open up myself to experiences and people and it was harder than I expected. With that, meant being present and not fucked up. With that, meant meeting old friends and new ones. It also meant not letting the inner-saboteur take over. I had a great time and got to have quality time in a lot of different ways. 

Post Pride

Sunday I did lock myself in at home and stayed in in spite of my desire to be out. Sounds like I made a better decision given the chaos happening in San Francisco. I might have missed out on something in Oakland, but choices. I cooked. I did some errands… life is good.

Monday

I got to see my old roommate from Las Vegas who appeared out of nowhere. She happened to be in town and we grabbed some wine and nibbles at the Blush Wine Bar in the Castro. We talked a lot and shared some old memories. 

Tuesday

A dear dear friend of mine from Las Vegas wandered into my workplace. I was absolutely blown away! He is someone who was very special to me back there and we drifted apart for some reason. Because I moved away? Because I had an issue with his partner at the time? None the less, he has someone new and fantastic in his life. 

Today (Wednesday)

I am hosting a Diversity, Inclusion and Equity event for my non-profit online. One of the people on that call is another dear friend from Las Vegas. I am feeling a theme happening this week… right? It is a good thing on Eventbrite and Zoom we are doing tonight.