We are just days away from the big One and I will stand in the shadow of the man in awe. I am no where prepared for the event, but I am hoping that my experience with the regional events and all the veterans will help me manage. It’s 8 days and seven nights in the desert.

The guy that was supposed to go with me has been ejected – yes, I am not going with someone I cannot get along with. He turned out to be someone very destructive and I just can’t have that energy around me for this mission.

It seems I am at a very precarious time right now in my own psyche as I started a journey last year with a completion date set for Burning Man. As I look ahead to that date with new eyes I am deeply worried about that conclusion. I find myself pausing and feeling afraid – of all things.

At the same time I looked around to some of the people I have met connected to Burning Man and found many of them to be the most genuine that I have ever met before. It’s as if they represented what I was hoping to find in the gay community. Genuine and Gay are not synonymous!

Alas, the fear felt is that although the journey has been fulfilling and growth inspiring, is it really for me?

Not long ago I was accused of being a full time burner. Odd because this is my first year and I am labeled a “newbie” and “virgin”. I also have participated pretty heavily in that world – heavily especially for someone new to the scene. And I liked it a lot.

So, as I look into my crystal ball I predict I will go to Burning Man: Evolution and be overwhelmed. I will participate and dip into everything I can while there. I will come back hopefully more enlightened and with a better outlook on the world.

I feel like I am currently at the core of a snow ball and all the things I have idealized will have a new perspective. How does Burning Man have that affect? It’s not just BM. It’s not one thing. It is all together; the journey itself, the people I have met in and out of the BM community, the social experimentation, and some changes I have been forced to come to terms with in life.

The Poster is on Sale NOW!

It’s been an interesting week. I started it off with a lot of fun and thought – coming to some conclusions. As many know I started a new journey at the end of last summer set for 1 year. Well, that year is coming to a conclusion with the completion of Burning Man.

No – I don’t know what I am writing tonight. I am just thinking it is a good idea to say something… share a feeling… put out an anxiety. uhm, yeah….

Nothing there right now. Just have so much work to do, projects to complete, and obligations to meet. If being broke is one kvetch I can squeeze out tonight then let it be.

I have a couple of design clients I want to finish their sites, but they are not giving me content. I can;t get paid until I am done… right. Ugh! Please please please….

hugs all – I am going to bed

So, I had some time to think about this guy I got involved with and think that it as a huge mistake. He has no idea and no concept of empathy; which is fine as long as the attitude is not cruel. In a way it went there and he is so about himself that he could never imagine how he left me feeling inside. Imagine Jack McFarlane from Will&Grace with issues.

I have been working on opening my heart and being a better person to relate with. Well, this was an occasion that basically took the heart and threw it on the ground and pooped on it – then pointed and laughed at it. Well, that is how it plays out in my head.

Alas, my stress level is not overwhelming yet. Putting the whole dating fiasco on the back burner for now… I am managing on other levels.

Mom just called saying she was all worried about me and I appreciated it. She worries too much, but it’s cool to have a mom.

I put up a web site recently honoring the local burner community. It is live at www.lvburners.com. I expect it to grow radically. That would be cool.

Change and Chaos go hand in hand. In this case chaos is in the heart. I started seeing someone recently and then I was told – I am not physically attracted to you. The natural question about starting at all is… then why? Why start something to begin with and use words like “love” if it is only there in portion.

There is no answer. I’m not a woman – so I don’t need closure. I dared to ask the questions that were haunting me and I got the answers. I knew it was wrong to start.

The head and the heart are enemies and siblings at the same time. One is always jealous of the other, so they deceive one-another. Bitter allies… sucks hard doesn’t it?

I would like to think I finally hit that point of tolerance where I have simply had enough, but there will be more. As sad as I have been – as hurt as I have been – as many stupid decisions I have made – the circle loops back.

The sadness I often feel in the depth of it is mirrored by the pain and sadness I probably affected on others. I could put Adolfo up as the example… he complained I gave him nothing but pain and grief. I think poor Tom is my latest victim… poor dog.

Tom is the greatest dog ever and it seems like lately I keep failing him. How can I imagine keeping someone in my life happy?

…this is a sick life.

Okay, so I did a lot of grousing last night on here with 2 whole entries. Maybe it opened me up a bit and now I feel a little more expressive. I hope it is in a good way.

I’m not alone, but life just seems like a daily struggle. It’s supposed to be a learning experience. BUT – one my of my lifelong problems is looking into someone else’s yard thinking the grass is greener. Usually not – because everyone has their own struggles. I am sure Paris Hilton often finds her life in question sometimes thinking it is hard – she can;t be that vapid.

The point is we all have our challenged – not wanting to sound like a giant angry vagina – nor do I want to seem like I am back-peddling. But I am constantly walking forward three steps and sliding back 2 to 4 steps never feeling like I am getting ahead – at least for long.

NO POOR ME SHIT!!! I take full ownership of my shit. I am the only person who makes my bad decisions and for 20 years I have made a steady stream of them. Although they seem great in the moment… usually not so good.

So, about my father – he’s still an asshole but the only tie that binds is a monetary debt and hopefully I can manage that soon (I have to).

Regarding finding work, I am working that out painfully slowly. Trying to develop a business.

For friends and lovers – maybe one day I will know that love again. (Sounds much more dramatic than it is in my head trust me). There are some people I really care for, but there are too many others that say they like/love me and I can clearly see they do not respect me.

I AM NO SAINT… I talk out of my ass jokingly a lot… but fuck you all who can;t take the time to really know me. I am an open book – usually.

Here are some of my favorite pictures I stole from the web. We are 60 days from the burn and I am feeling burnt. WTF? Already? It’s less the Burners and more life right now.

So, I have been learning a lot about what to do versus what NOT to do. There are a lot of nots… but there is another part of me that wants to just wing-it and go for it.

I keep changing my mind about what I am going to do. But truth is I do not have any more resources. I want to make this the event of a lifetime… make the last step in my life changing process… and not neccessarily kill me in the end. ugh…

Sorry for the short entry, but I am tired.

Until about age 10 I think I had a good relationship with my dad. There were a lot of pictures (see the background of this blog) that show us connected. The one above showed up on my uncle’s facebook and I was taken back by it.

When my grandmother died I remember us going to the airport and I was trying to relate to my dad some expression of grief – he grabbed me a shook me telling me to knock it off because I had no right to act the way I was and more… it was something that definitely damaged my psyche to this day… I’ll never forget.

When both my grandparents had passed he and I ended up traveling by car back to Illinois to take care of the land they left behind – it was an amazing house. Oh absolutely gorgeous. In the basement under the porch were piles of bottle of Jack Daniels bottles – my dad showed me them and casually explained that belonged to grand-dad…

…I have very vague memories of my paternal grandparents. I remember Voneta more because she passed long after my grandad. I remember a hardened but loving woman. But then again I never really knew the dynamic they all had.

One dynamic I always questioned was how much my dad and aunt were estranged from each other for a long time. June was hippy-dippy while Jack was serious and focused. It’s like my sister and I – but the gender roles reveres ed. Weird to think about this now…

My dad used to beat me with his belt when he was mad at me for fucking something up… I do not blame him… I learned.

when I had to move out of my moms because we had issues, he let me move into his house. I was told I was a guest … “guest” and that was stated a lot. It was never my home.

when I was a teenager I had a group of gay friends over – all young guys hanging out – he came into my room chambering a round in a deer riffle (literally kicking open the door) announcing he heard someone outside. What horseshit. Scared the shit out of a bunch of fags.

ugh…. there is so much more. basically I am venting and spewing and trying to unload all the shit from the past. I joined the air force to get away from his ass when I was 17 – turned out it was the one thing he was actually proud of me doing.

Ugh… skipping ahead of all the ways he put my biological sister and I at odds with each other. No doubt – I was a shitty kid. I was a shitty brother. I was a real piece of work… oh there is so much more that comes into my mind like embers from a stoked fire. UGH!

shit

Well, I have not written here in a while and have fallen away from it for a bit because things have been convoluted. My ability to relate my feelings or emotions get lost in this perception of “high drama” which is so not me. Anyone who would say I was just does not know me.

So, since September I have been exploring a different part of me – only to find that alternate personality has stayed. Now I feel like I have lost something in the more “wound-up Scott” into the “hippy-dippy Scott” that exists today.

Along with that, as much as my community has grown and taken on dimension, I still feel incredibly alone. I can’t rely on any friends. I have no family to lean on. I have to walk on my own as much as humanly possible.

I tried to lean on family but it’s only as good as … well, nothing to compare it to. Yeah, I love my mom and step dad and I know they are willing to help but I have a lifetime of debt to them already (monetarily and love).

Back in November, I completely cut my father out of my life realizing that it’s like shouting into an empty well. He had no idea why – I think – nor does he give a shit. I finally told him in an email last week why and there has been no reply.

My father had a heart attack a year ago – I actually cared and worried about losing him. He died years ago and I never realized it. He was a cruel and hateful man his whole life – at least toward me – and it was as if I snapped out of a fog then just cut that off. SNAP!

He could drop dead and I would just move on. Yeah, I got the big bonus with some people in life. My mom wants everyone to get along… yeah. not.

Yet – I am struggling a lot and there is a voice in my head reminding me over and over what a failure I am. The voice feels like it is confirming my fears and anxieties… which are often overwhelming.

Well, it is 88 days from Burning Man and 2 weeks from the next regional I am going to (Element-11). All these events are really quite a remarkable experience and I just cannot wait!

So, if you are still teetering on going or not BM announced this week they still ahve tickets for 280.$ in their site and that a lot of application deadlines for other stuff is coming or gone. I believe the organization will stop selling tickets in July – so get them now.

So far I am going alone – though I will really know at least 100 people that will be there. Can you friggin believe that???? From all my networking and all my reading/learning/studying one might assume I was “prepared”. – oh silly humans

ha ha ha … I am going to be early. See the new http://www.lvburners.com