I put up a web site recently honoring the local burner community. It is live at www.lvburners.com. I expect it to grow radically. That would be cool.

Change and Chaos go hand in hand. In this case chaos is in the heart. I started seeing someone recently and then I was told – I am not physically attracted to you. The natural question about starting at all is… then why? Why start something to begin with and use words like “love” if it is only there in portion.

There is no answer. I’m not a woman – so I don’t need closure. I dared to ask the questions that were haunting me and I got the answers. I knew it was wrong to start.

The head and the heart are enemies and siblings at the same time. One is always jealous of the other, so they deceive one-another. Bitter allies… sucks hard doesn’t it?

I would like to think I finally hit that point of tolerance where I have simply had enough, but there will be more. As sad as I have been – as hurt as I have been – as many stupid decisions I have made – the circle loops back.

The sadness I often feel in the depth of it is mirrored by the pain and sadness I probably affected on others. I could put Adolfo up as the example… he complained I gave him nothing but pain and grief. I think poor Tom is my latest victim… poor dog.

Tom is the greatest dog ever and it seems like lately I keep failing him. How can I imagine keeping someone in my life happy?

…this is a sick life.

Okay, so I did a lot of grousing last night on here with 2 whole entries. Maybe it opened me up a bit and now I feel a little more expressive. I hope it is in a good way.

I’m not alone, but life just seems like a daily struggle. It’s supposed to be a learning experience. BUT – one my of my lifelong problems is looking into someone else’s yard thinking the grass is greener. Usually not – because everyone has their own struggles. I am sure Paris Hilton often finds her life in question sometimes thinking it is hard – she can;t be that vapid.

The point is we all have our challenged – not wanting to sound like a giant angry vagina – nor do I want to seem like I am back-peddling. But I am constantly walking forward three steps and sliding back 2 to 4 steps never feeling like I am getting ahead – at least for long.

NO POOR ME SHIT!!! I take full ownership of my shit. I am the only person who makes my bad decisions and for 20 years I have made a steady stream of them. Although they seem great in the moment… usually not so good.

So, about my father – he’s still an asshole but the only tie that binds is a monetary debt and hopefully I can manage that soon (I have to).

Regarding finding work, I am working that out painfully slowly. Trying to develop a business.

For friends and lovers – maybe one day I will know that love again. (Sounds much more dramatic than it is in my head trust me). There are some people I really care for, but there are too many others that say they like/love me and I can clearly see they do not respect me.

I AM NO SAINT… I talk out of my ass jokingly a lot… but fuck you all who can;t take the time to really know me. I am an open book – usually.

Here are some of my favorite pictures I stole from the web. We are 60 days from the burn and I am feeling burnt. WTF? Already? It’s less the Burners and more life right now.

So, I have been learning a lot about what to do versus what NOT to do. There are a lot of nots… but there is another part of me that wants to just wing-it and go for it.

I keep changing my mind about what I am going to do. But truth is I do not have any more resources. I want to make this the event of a lifetime… make the last step in my life changing process… and not neccessarily kill me in the end. ugh…

Sorry for the short entry, but I am tired.

Until about age 10 I think I had a good relationship with my dad. There were a lot of pictures (see the background of this blog) that show us connected. The one above showed up on my uncle’s facebook and I was taken back by it.

When my grandmother died I remember us going to the airport and I was trying to relate to my dad some expression of grief – he grabbed me a shook me telling me to knock it off because I had no right to act the way I was and more… it was something that definitely damaged my psyche to this day… I’ll never forget.

When both my grandparents had passed he and I ended up traveling by car back to Illinois to take care of the land they left behind – it was an amazing house. Oh absolutely gorgeous. In the basement under the porch were piles of bottle of Jack Daniels bottles – my dad showed me them and casually explained that belonged to grand-dad…

…I have very vague memories of my paternal grandparents. I remember Voneta more because she passed long after my grandad. I remember a hardened but loving woman. But then again I never really knew the dynamic they all had.

One dynamic I always questioned was how much my dad and aunt were estranged from each other for a long time. June was hippy-dippy while Jack was serious and focused. It’s like my sister and I – but the gender roles reveres ed. Weird to think about this now…

My dad used to beat me with his belt when he was mad at me for fucking something up… I do not blame him… I learned.

when I had to move out of my moms because we had issues, he let me move into his house. I was told I was a guest … “guest” and that was stated a lot. It was never my home.

when I was a teenager I had a group of gay friends over – all young guys hanging out – he came into my room chambering a round in a deer riffle (literally kicking open the door) announcing he heard someone outside. What horseshit. Scared the shit out of a bunch of fags.

ugh…. there is so much more. basically I am venting and spewing and trying to unload all the shit from the past. I joined the air force to get away from his ass when I was 17 – turned out it was the one thing he was actually proud of me doing.

Ugh… skipping ahead of all the ways he put my biological sister and I at odds with each other. No doubt – I was a shitty kid. I was a shitty brother. I was a real piece of work… oh there is so much more that comes into my mind like embers from a stoked fire. UGH!

shit

Well, I have not written here in a while and have fallen away from it for a bit because things have been convoluted. My ability to relate my feelings or emotions get lost in this perception of “high drama” which is so not me. Anyone who would say I was just does not know me.

So, since September I have been exploring a different part of me – only to find that alternate personality has stayed. Now I feel like I have lost something in the more “wound-up Scott” into the “hippy-dippy Scott” that exists today.

Along with that, as much as my community has grown and taken on dimension, I still feel incredibly alone. I can’t rely on any friends. I have no family to lean on. I have to walk on my own as much as humanly possible.

I tried to lean on family but it’s only as good as … well, nothing to compare it to. Yeah, I love my mom and step dad and I know they are willing to help but I have a lifetime of debt to them already (monetarily and love).

Back in November, I completely cut my father out of my life realizing that it’s like shouting into an empty well. He had no idea why – I think – nor does he give a shit. I finally told him in an email last week why and there has been no reply.

My father had a heart attack a year ago – I actually cared and worried about losing him. He died years ago and I never realized it. He was a cruel and hateful man his whole life – at least toward me – and it was as if I snapped out of a fog then just cut that off. SNAP!

He could drop dead and I would just move on. Yeah, I got the big bonus with some people in life. My mom wants everyone to get along… yeah. not.

Yet – I am struggling a lot and there is a voice in my head reminding me over and over what a failure I am. The voice feels like it is confirming my fears and anxieties… which are often overwhelming.

Well, it is 88 days from Burning Man and 2 weeks from the next regional I am going to (Element-11). All these events are really quite a remarkable experience and I just cannot wait!

So, if you are still teetering on going or not BM announced this week they still ahve tickets for 280.$ in their site and that a lot of application deadlines for other stuff is coming or gone. I believe the organization will stop selling tickets in July – so get them now.

So far I am going alone – though I will really know at least 100 people that will be there. Can you friggin believe that???? From all my networking and all my reading/learning/studying one might assume I was “prepared”. – oh silly humans

ha ha ha … I am going to be early. See the new http://www.lvburners.com

I’m writing this under unpleasant conditions…. brain death. Yeah, last night I did not get much sleep and was out partying with a freind. I was mizzzerable in this bar and realize I am not a happy camper in these bars.

I’ll get something more coherant soon. BUT for now I wanted to say that my freind Mark has been lecturing me about my habits with going out lately, but I am doing mostly social obligations while avoiding spending money when possible.

Last night Marky and I dashed over to the Eagle to see Las Vegas most tragic in their finest. I have to tell you – it was awful. The fags in this town are a solid mess. They are what I pick up from Tom off the grass.

I can have enough heart to say – lucky me compared to them. That was just pure evil, huh? ha ha ha…. so fucking what. I’ve been having fun with some of my freinds (old and new) and find freinds are a commodity that I value. BUT… I am still trying to fogure out who I can really count on.

HERE in vegas, there is no loyalty and there is no virtue. I am so pathetic that my priorities are all screwed sideways. I have to say between buddy Mark and new buddy David I am getting a red-headed bitch slap.

As for John John (Mexican John) he has been working and living his own life so much that I have barely seen him. Ugh. John (Shifta) is still living his own married life and I do not get to see him much either.

It does not seem to matter – a lot of the time I still feel like an outsider with people I feel for. All the names mentioned in this log so far are people I consider freinds here in Las Vegas. I still feel like I am outside a bubble from them anyway.

It’s always been that way. Which is probably why I am still as screwed as I am.

I just came back from another Regional Burning Man event called TOAST. Now I have something to compare it too, because a couple weeks ago I was at Dark Skies.

I was thrilled to see more gay people at TOAST and more people who seemed to have less hangups on their own sexual identity. Here I am in the mid west and I am meeting people who has less baggage about who they were. It was a beautiful thing to be around what was mostly an Arizona crowd.

Dark Skies on the other hand was actually HELD in Arizona, but on the opposite end of the state. The vibe was completely different, though that basic themes and social awareness was the same.

It seems that the bodies of people in different groups (regionally) have different interests. While my Dark Skies people are more lifestyle oriented, the people of TOAST are more community structures… or something like that.

So, as I delve more deeply into this world I have to be prepared for something more. I meet people I would really like to know more and people I develop feelings for and still feel I can take those relationships only so deep. As much as I feel embraced by some – want to embrace others – I still feel I can only take it so far. There is still this bubble around them and I.

Maybe this bubble is something normal I have not had to face before – or perhaps am seeing it differently. Alas, we are just people on our own journeys.

One of the things I am constantly aware of and see in each of the people I have met is a standard in the BM Dogma; radical self-expression. It’s a true individualism and non-judgemental position.

So, if anyone is reading this and exploring their journey to BM – or comparing mine to theirs – it’s not something you can do in a snap. Going into the Playa with what I have collected along the way is something I will value.

BTW – I am going to Element-11 in June. Coming along?

Just a quick note, because I realized I have not said much here lately. It’s been no secret I have been hoping to meet someone to date. I thought that meeting someone through the Burning Man community would have been ideal. It’s a culture I feel is something I really enjoy and feel drawn to.

This last weekend was a challenge, as I went to a regional burning man event called TOAST. There were a lot more gay people there and many of whom were flat-out attractive. My attention was really focused on a couple of the d’j.’s and event got to make out with one of them… nice.

Anyway, I am told that as long as I am looking for someone I will never find him. If only I can get that in my head!!

Anyway, I am going to another regional in a month and then just a few months away from the BIG ONE. God, I hope I can find my peace… s