Seems like such a long week. Kaidy was here for the first part of it and it was really nice having him here. I hope I did not bore him too much, but we seemed to do some nice things. Got some pool time in – as usual – and made a couple of really nice dinners.

Other than that, I am fretting over some of this medication I am taking right now. The side effects are a mish-mash of pluses and minuses. Not to go into too much detail, because I would rather not share too much info, that it makes sleeping somewhat difficult. Yet I manage to get what I need.

Last night was odd. Given the fire here in the apartment yesterday, too, it was not all that bad. They replaced the water heater right away. I showed pictures of the mess on Facebook.

Other than that… I am so fed up of this unemployment. But the benefits of it are driving me insane. I am not getting enough work done and this seems to be a perfect time to get some personal studying achieved. I want to read more on some industry related subjects.

Oh crap, I need to do something. -sigh

Just thought I would make a note. This year is passing slowly… yet one of my big milestones for the year is coming up… yes – Burning Man. I am looking ahead at the event coming in 41 days and wondering… what then?

But with all the stuff going on right now… a distinct lack of income, over committed social life, a dog that keeps getting hurt, and a sudden realization that I have too much shit in my apartment… ugh.

I have been examining my mortality again, too. I should be getting back my blood tests this week from my exam at the VA a week ago. I have to imagine that if there was anything important in the tests they would certainly have called me before today. I took these blood tests almost a month ago…? right?

So… life is decent. I am blessed – I know. I find myself worrying about my mom some times and thinking about my father (yes, I went on quite a rant about him a few times in the life of this diary). But – I miss the good side of him. My family ties are sometimes lost… but I found out 2 of my cousins are getting married within a couple weeks of each other… both are cool cousins.

All of my cousins are cool, ‘cept the one meth-head. My cousin Leah is such a cutie and she has such a beautiful kid. ALL my family has SUCH good looking kids. My biological sister has some beautiful kids! Same with cousin Raechel!

I am so jealous… guess that is part of my own mortality. I wanted kids so bad myself. One son. I would have been very happy with a kid. But I am so immature and so irresponsible to have a kid. I think I’d make a good dad. Right?

sigh

The new map of BRC with the newly resized center camp has been released:
click here

It shows the names of the streets this year and where approximitely where everyone will be. I can see they have the reserved areas for the theme camps. Where will Sin City be????

Can’t wait to find out!

It’s been a wierd week and I am trying to review my life situation and determine where I need to go and what sacrifices I need to make. It’s frustrating as I struffle to make ends meet – like everyone else in this country – and make plans to shed a lot of the crap I have collected.

I feel like a big snowball. I look into this walkin closet I have and though I have cleaned out a lot of stuff I have a ton of more junk – papers – and whatvers I got through my last 2 relationships floating around.

Adolfo and I were mad-shoppers and even when I was with Brian I still collected a lot of crap. I still have papers going back more than a decade from power bills and this-n-that that just needs to go. I plan on sacrificing some of it ceramoniously to the Man. How about them apples… what do I mean? See the link at the top in the shape of THE MAN.

last night was another LVBurner beach meetup. It was small, which is cool, but amazing. Thank God that Damain was there with his kit and played some awesome music.

I find myself seduced. I’ve been involved with this burner community for less than a year and my enthusiasm is still quite high. I got an email from someone today trying to reach me off one of the boards I post to with all kinds of links to their camp on the playa… it’s called Moonbow camp. I am pretty impressed with their pictures and general setup.

It’s cool how much this thing grows, but is it just another drug. ha ha ha… not so melodeamatic. People who want to explore this thing need to do it on their own terms. People who define it before exploring it deep enough will never know this. I will complete my journey in less than 60 days.

I’m still figuring a lot of things out…….

I felt like this whole day was different. We’re past that crazy period after the full moon – and it’s a f’d up period – but now there is renewed energy in the cosmos. It’s a lunar thing… follow it and you might be surprised.

I digress. Without getting into detail I have been suffering from a headache almost all day, but my energy level has been peaked. I have felt pretty comfy in my own skin. It’s all pretty good.

That b.s. I went through with M* is in the past, but I have some things belonging to him here in the house I want to get back as soon as possible. Giving him the boot has put a crimp in some of my plans – all Burning Man related (see my other blog for BM details).

I really want to go to this one event in SD (Burners without Borders) that is a fund raiser, but I could not possibly travel with him now. He is part of the package if I go with my crew. He is also on the outs for traveling with me to Burning Man. Sucks!

Meanwhile, I am now worried I will not be able to sleep tonight. I had trouble last night sleeping. It was so wierd. I have been sleeping fairly soundly recently – also wierd. So, I took a melatonin and just finished a warm milk with a drop of madagascar vanilla… yum yum yum. No sugar or caffeine… thank you.

Speaking of which I really need to stop drinking so much milk… it’s just not good for me… ugh. Okay, this is boiling down to a ramble. cya

We are just days away from the big One and I will stand in the shadow of the man in awe. I am no where prepared for the event, but I am hoping that my experience with the regional events and all the veterans will help me manage. It’s 8 days and seven nights in the desert.

The guy that was supposed to go with me has been ejected – yes, I am not going with someone I cannot get along with. He turned out to be someone very destructive and I just can’t have that energy around me for this mission.

It seems I am at a very precarious time right now in my own psyche as I started a journey last year with a completion date set for Burning Man. As I look ahead to that date with new eyes I am deeply worried about that conclusion. I find myself pausing and feeling afraid – of all things.

At the same time I looked around to some of the people I have met connected to Burning Man and found many of them to be the most genuine that I have ever met before. It’s as if they represented what I was hoping to find in the gay community. Genuine and Gay are not synonymous!

Alas, the fear felt is that although the journey has been fulfilling and growth inspiring, is it really for me?

Not long ago I was accused of being a full time burner. Odd because this is my first year and I am labeled a “newbie” and “virgin”. I also have participated pretty heavily in that world – heavily especially for someone new to the scene. And I liked it a lot.

So, as I look into my crystal ball I predict I will go to Burning Man: Evolution and be overwhelmed. I will participate and dip into everything I can while there. I will come back hopefully more enlightened and with a better outlook on the world.

I feel like I am currently at the core of a snow ball and all the things I have idealized will have a new perspective. How does Burning Man have that affect? It’s not just BM. It’s not one thing. It is all together; the journey itself, the people I have met in and out of the BM community, the social experimentation, and some changes I have been forced to come to terms with in life.

The Poster is on Sale NOW!

It’s been an interesting week. I started it off with a lot of fun and thought – coming to some conclusions. As many know I started a new journey at the end of last summer set for 1 year. Well, that year is coming to a conclusion with the completion of Burning Man.

No – I don’t know what I am writing tonight. I am just thinking it is a good idea to say something… share a feeling… put out an anxiety. uhm, yeah….

Nothing there right now. Just have so much work to do, projects to complete, and obligations to meet. If being broke is one kvetch I can squeeze out tonight then let it be.

I have a couple of design clients I want to finish their sites, but they are not giving me content. I can;t get paid until I am done… right. Ugh! Please please please….

hugs all – I am going to bed

So, I had some time to think about this guy I got involved with and think that it as a huge mistake. He has no idea and no concept of empathy; which is fine as long as the attitude is not cruel. In a way it went there and he is so about himself that he could never imagine how he left me feeling inside. Imagine Jack McFarlane from Will&Grace with issues.

I have been working on opening my heart and being a better person to relate with. Well, this was an occasion that basically took the heart and threw it on the ground and pooped on it – then pointed and laughed at it. Well, that is how it plays out in my head.

Alas, my stress level is not overwhelming yet. Putting the whole dating fiasco on the back burner for now… I am managing on other levels.

Mom just called saying she was all worried about me and I appreciated it. She worries too much, but it’s cool to have a mom.