In the process of coming to terms with a lot of things, I feel this huge shadow coming over me. As the world darkens I feel like there is a short row of brightly lit passages ahead. Which one shall I pass through?

I have been struggling with work since February when I was laid off from my job. I have no ill feelings about being laid off, I was not an important cog in the machine there. It was a sales driven environment and I was a web designer that did his job; I deigned and launched the TalentHook.com web site. It still looks great and is still working.

It’s all good.

So, given the experiences I have had and the skills that have driven me mostly over the last 2 years I ask myself: do I maintain this career path and follow through with design? …or do I pursuit cooking. I could so return to banquet cooking or more personal chef work.

Both fill me with great passion and there really is no reason I can’t do both. I do wonder if my time in Vegas is at an end? My roots here are not deep and friends I counted on outside the burner community have faded away. Yet, even many of my burners have not embraced me that much; but they are family; it’s a different feeling.

Been thinking a lot about Hollywood again and am thinking a lot about Austin [TX]. Oh where to go and what to do… sigh. Which door do I take Monty Hall? Which door do I take?

So, I woke up this morning looking around myself and feeling like such a fraud. It’s funny to make a statement like that, but one of the things I have been struggling with is the identity of who I am.

I have passions and I love doing a full and complete job, but I can wear more than one hat at a time? <--- yes it is a question mark without it actually being a question. I started a journey about a year ago and began living a life outside of the box I thought I knew and began exploring things about myself. It caused some relationships to fall away and brought some closer. I have some new friends and different expectations from the people I meet day to day. Within that, there is a lot of pain you see in how other people are defining their identities and the shallow, plastic, even papermache construction of those personas. Funny how quickly those same people want so badly to tear down my world because it is really freed from certain false supports. But… I’m good enough to challenge myself. I know how and when I delude myself, but I have dreams still. I’m a middle aged kid inside and still maintain some adult discretion’s and disciplines… I am. I am… … (he sits down and looks out across the open landscape. In one moment it is a beautiful desert with metallic coppers and steel – while it morphs into rich blues and flowing greens of an enchanting forest – it’s endless)
He dreams of coming back from the desert after a long journey changed. To find profound moment when the tears of fear and anxiety wash away the broken shell to reveal reborn… he flies away to a new landscape and a new adventure.

First Friday in Las Vegas Art District was today with a nice Burning Man focus. It was cool to have the art cars there as well as the costumes, poi, spinners, hoopers and tunes. I played a mix from DJ Spyder from AZBurners TOAST and our very own DJ Damian. The music was perfect.

What I did notice is that First Friday was totally weak about letting people know the Burners were out there. Not that they needed to or cared, because on this night they had a huge flow of people. It was one of the nicest (weather wise) First Friday’s I had been to.

I emailed Cindy at Whirleygig Inc (who runs First Friday) asking her if she had a twitter (like me x3) so I can follow them and their adventures with Whirelygig… blah blah blah no reply. I wondered also why Burning Man was not mentioned in anything they sent out. Kinda sucked.

There are a lot more pictures being posted. But there will be a hell of a lot more in Spetember.

Anyway, I emailed my community about a vigil for some fallen burners including Elias Sorkin and Holli Hollowell and 2 locally connected burners. Elias is said to have been murdered in Santa Cruz, California and they had not found his body. Holli was injured in a motor cycle accident in India back in March and literally came out of her coma last week. 2 local burners and freinds of Melissa were hurt in a motor cycle accident and are slowly recovering; but they will never be the same.

Between Holli and Elias I found myself emotionally attached to these people, though I did not know them. Maybe I sound like an idiot? I wondered about going into this vigil and one of my people explained he is an athiest and blah … yet I have some spiritually connected people… so I tried to bridge it to the middle.

I set up a table with a brief explaination with a pic of Elias and one of Holli and told people a little about them. I had a box with a slot in the top for people to put well wishes, prayers, thoughts, messages, what ever they needed to express.

The box will go to Burning Man with me and will be put into the fire at the base of the man on Sep 6th.

Now, I think that is some universal points?

Hm. More tomorrow. A few things are bugging me. But they might be gone after some rest. Or maybe this is better for my diary (other blog). sigh….

I asked my community to bring a white candle for the health and wellness of people in our community. I’ll be naming people like Elias Sorokin, Holli Hollowell, and a couple other local members who have been faced with tragedy. Members of our global community as well as locals… just for peace.

The video features Elias from his friends and was posted on the Burncast… peace.

There is a sea of atheists out there who may not be comfortable with the whole thing, but there are a lot of us that are very spiritual. One atheist shocked me by telling me that. I mean I see a spiritual presence in Burning Man…. but it is a perception.

I omitted a page about my journey this year and realized today that is was important. So I updated and re added it to the site. I also added my burner logo into the banner. See my Burn. Linked in the menu to the right ->

When I remodeled my site I removed one of my resources… a page a started for my journey from 2008 to 2009. Burning Man was the path I took. In recent months I have been accused of letting Burning Man take over… well there is a lot going on. I enjoy this community and have found a lot of meaning in it; besides the small amount of drawback. However, I have control over the influences around me and I make my own choices.

Radical Self Reliance is Dogma in the Burner World and it forces a person to not seek crutches … but really there is a mutual understanding that you have to be responsible for your own actions. On the other hand, there is a great sense of oneness in the the community at times when it is needed.

I find people judging this sub-culture without knowing a single thing about, but there are a sea of mundanes out there dreaming of going – yet not knowing a thing about it. The “churchification” (Cam’s word) of Burning Man can be a black hole, because it can demand a lot from you. I do what I do because the principles of this group are in my heart now.

These people – though dysfunctional – are more functional that most of the people I have met in the default world. I have heard new people introduced to this scene say on more occasions than I can count: “Can you imagine if everyone in the world treated each other like a burner treats another burner, we would have peace.”

I can dream it.

So, I manage site vistor statistics that are working behind the scenes of the web site and I can see where people are from that are visiting. One of them is easy – mom. Yes… mom’s been on the site a couple times and that’s cool. BUT then I am confoosed because there are people hitting the site that I have no idea who they are…

NOT COMPLAINING! My blog used to carry a lot of fans. The numbers dwindled at one point; mostly through my 5 year+ dysfunctional relationship with Adolfo. I think people were bored or just tired of the groaning (not the good kind of groaning).

California Cities

1. Tehachapi
2. West Covina
3. Palm Springs
4. Los Angeles
5. Redding
6. San Francisco
7. Emeryville
8. Dublin (not ireland)

US States
1. California
2. Nevada
3. Texas
4. New York
5. Arizona
6. Pennsylvania
7. Wisconsin
8. Washington
9. Kansas
10. South Carolina

World Hits
1. United States
2. Canada
3. Russia

So feel free to add comments or notes! I love hearing from people. Within the web site are 2 of my Tweets and I have a 3rd one @LVBurners which is posting on www.LVBurners.com

Thanks!

The gods have spoken and announced where theme camps were going to be positioned on the playa. Sin City Village will be on the Esplanade and 7:30. A lot of our people are surprised, but some people I met on my journies have me a nod saying we were certain to be on the Esplanade. Yey….

At the same time… ya gotta scratch your head because that means our camp wil always be in a space where there are a lot of people wandering around. That means no peace… well, I’ll pass out eventually.

We have our first meeting a week from Saturday. But Bobbie has been working her ass off to make sure that everything is where it shold be.

So good news!!!! I’ll post more in the morning… time for bed.

Depending on what happens over the next few days… I wanted to pose something to the community and ask if ya’ll might indulge me.

I have been touched by this community and have been pretty open about it. In spite of differences in opinions, ideas or philosophies we do come together in a pinch. I know people really care about each other here.

This year there have been several burners that have met tragedy and I find myself moved by these situations. I’ve also seen a great deal of caring when it came to helping these people out when it was not even asked for.

– There were a couple burners seriously hurt in a motor cycle accident and both are making a slow recovery – these are people tied to our local burners as freinds.

– Another Burner (out of SFO) I believe named Holli was in a motor cycle accident in March and literally woke out of a coma last week

– And the latest was a Burner from the L.A. community that is still missing and his mother and the Burncast has been posting updates. His car was found burned out, his check card and business checks were attempted to be used fradulently, and so far 2 people have been arrested – yet he has not been found.

Been updating this on the Twitter page and on Facebook.

AFTER ALL THAT EXPLANATION: I wanted to see if everyone would be okay to bring a candle on Friday and light it for the health of these burners and good health of all our friends. NOW I know not all of our people are spiritual, but we also have some deeply siritual types here. Maybe a white candle for good health might be enough. A thought. For some people maybe a little prayer. It could happen to any of us.

I’M NOT LOOKING FOR A REPLY – you can tell me to shove it – it’s all good. But I’ll be out there Friday with a candle and a little offering – and a little prayer.

Love&Light all…
T

This blog has been a catalog of my journey and education toward burning man. Alas, there is so much I go through that is no catalogued here at all. You can;t know what Damian – Cameron – Melissa – Indigo – Captain Bill – Dave – Amber – and so many more tell me. I can’t event get them to comment on Twitter let alone hit the Comment button below here to add.

Now, I am a “churchified” neurotic who is obsessed with Burning Man – losing sleep over the anticipation – tripping over my own idealism. Still learning new things. There is always something to behold on this.

So, I have discovered a lot of networks that are helpful. Now – being the web freak that I personally am… I manage one burner site – a tweet – a blog – and am active withing my immediate community. I also am actively networking with other burner groups like San Diego, Phoenix, Salt Lake City and am slowly trying to meet people in Los Angeles….

So here are some links I want you all to check out… mine are the first couple. I’m a selfish bitch….

• http://bm2009uriel.blogspot.com/ (this blog in case you are getting this on a RSS)
• http://twitter.com/LVBurners (me tweeting for LVBurners)
• http://twitter.com/burningman (burningman.com on twitter)
• http://twitter.com/burncast BURNCAST – a must have and…
• http://burncast.blogspot.com/ and BURNCAST blog… they are on Facebook too

It seems like I am sucking up, but since discovering Burncast I feel like I have found another soul out there just as crazy as my ass is. Crazy? Obsessed? Drunk with keyboard juice? I dunno…

Now I seeing the end of this long journey getting ready for Burning Man and feel like when I come out on the other side – I feel like I will be able to take another fresh look at my world. I am worn out… but I am also driven. I am getting good at eliminating my expectations for while AT Burning Man… although I am sure it does not sound like it.

I fear the default world will be too present. I fear that the economy will keep too many real Burners away and too many “yahoos” (mundanes or whatever) will be there tossing their Budweiser cans into the road while high-fiving each other because they saw a pair of tits. Ugh!

My name is Toaster and this is my first Burning Man. I’ve been to 3 regionals, created the logo used for Dark Skies (which I take great pride in), and love the burners I know so much I feel like they are family. Unlike many people in my life I know these people will be there for me if asked (within all reason) and I know what I cannot ask. But a hug usually solves a lot…. Thanks for reading this if you got this far. Please hit COMMENT below and add a couple words and sign it with your playa name if ya got one.