Well, I have discovered another sub-culture here that has gained my attention and it might be an answer for some part of exploration. The Wolf Creek Radiacal Faery compound is one I heard about before and video from the site peaked my interest. 
Now I found this mailing list I signed up on, so now I get these daily digests of people sharing informationand talking about RF institutions. They seem like a cloister taking in fallen or escaping gays who have spun out of sociarty… sorta like I feel a lot of times. 
 
I could see myself pulling off the grid and finding something out there as an alternative. Certainly life in Vegas has been less than fulfilling. Certaintainly getting older has been very hard to deal with. It gets harder and harder to find something to hold onto on a daily basis. 
If it were not for my Burner family and my family (mom, step-dad, and step siblings; I wish I knew or was closer to my living relatives) I would probably checked out a while ago. 
Of course, it’s important to understand that at some point less than 2 yers ago I took a look at my life and decided it needed to change. In modern terms we call it a mid-life crisis. Now I feel like the crisis is fading, but it’s time to figure the next step. 
Bottom line… I think I am done in Vegas. The signs are starting to really smack me in the face. What? How? Where? Time will tell. I am still looking for work here and am hoping that I can survive. 
Back to the RF thing… it sounds like something I need to experience. There is an event July 25th to August 2nd up in Medford, Oregon I would love to go to. Mor to come….

It was a good day with some of my Burners at Captain Bill’s house. It’s always like a family gathering.

So, the pepto version of the site is gone and back to my favorite tones of green… it was a quick change I put in today while I really should have been doing some other things instead.
It’s not enough… never is… to be satisfied with the way things are. As much as I get easily trapped into routines, you think I might want to change my environment less. However, that is not the case.
Other things…
My satisfaction with life here in Vegas has been fading harder and harder every day. There are glimmers of hope and potential that keep popping up, but it is hard to have faith in anything or any one for that matter.
What I define as a friend seems to be so high on a pedestal that fulfilling that is unreal.
The guy I have considered my best friend has been unavailable for weeks and though he calls once in a while, there is still little time for me. He has his own life and certainly me being broke all the time helps very little.
Defining friendships and defining what the boundaries of these relationships has been lost in some levels. It’s weird, because I feel like we are estranged boyfriends some times. I joke that he is the best non-boyfriend ever… but the truth and sting of it is that there is a ring of truth to that. I do not want to go there with him… maybe because it feels like we have been playing that role on some level.
I crave intimacy. Really, far beyond sex. Sex is hot, fast, and finishes quickly leaving an empty void when it is over. Sex is easy and satisfying even for a little while.
However, I have been paying attention to my interactions with guys I am romantically attracted to. I found myself getting over it very quickly. My dissatisfaction with people comes quickly. Their faults radiate brightly. However, really I just do not have room for a relationship on that level right now.

Last night I had the pleasure of meeting Marian Goodell  from Burning Man while a month ago I met Larry Harvey. These are pretty much the two top names associated with Burning Man. Larry started Burning Man some 25 or 26 years ago (officially not 100% sure). Since this year is the 25th anniversary one might assume…

On my previous entry I noted I was staying with “New Horizons”, which is wrong. My camp is “Journeys” and it will be at Center Camp behind the supply are of Center Camp (Somewhere near Black Rock Roller Disco I think).

This was a long day. I did not let things get to me the way they could of, but I was still left thinking about a lot of things. Basically, I stayed in most of the day taking care of household shit while doing some reflection and shifts of household energy.
The previously written entries with me bitching about my house guest are meaningless. I was acting out in frustration and angst because the friendship was not taking shape like I had hoped; and for my vapid shallow followers the expectation was simply friendship.
There in-lies the problem that there was an expectation.
So, I still will always move the earth for someone who is a friend. I will turn the wheel that makes the earth go round for that friend.
Unfortunately, he left and I do not recall a single ‘thanks’… but I may be wrong. More expectations seem to color the farewell and the reflection of the friendship is still in shadow. Basically, I still do not know where I stand with him and I guess I have to just accept it. It is what it is.
I am feeling very frustrated, exhausted, and drawn because life is simply not advancing. I am begrudgingly trotting along trying to make life work. If my frustrations are misdirected? If my reaction is acting out inappropriately, all I can do is be aware and apologize in advance. I’m glad I have projects and things to keep my busy – or I might go fucking nuts.