So, the pepto version of the site is gone and back to my favorite tones of green… it was a quick change I put in today while I really should have been doing some other things instead.
It’s not enough… never is… to be satisfied with the way things are. As much as I get easily trapped into routines, you think I might want to change my environment less. However, that is not the case.
Other things…
My satisfaction with life here in Vegas has been fading harder and harder every day. There are glimmers of hope and potential that keep popping up, but it is hard to have faith in anything or any one for that matter.
What I define as a friend seems to be so high on a pedestal that fulfilling that is unreal.
The guy I have considered my best friend has been unavailable for weeks and though he calls once in a while, there is still little time for me. He has his own life and certainly me being broke all the time helps very little.
Defining friendships and defining what the boundaries of these relationships has been lost in some levels. It’s weird, because I feel like we are estranged boyfriends some times. I joke that he is the best non-boyfriend ever… but the truth and sting of it is that there is a ring of truth to that. I do not want to go there with him… maybe because it feels like we have been playing that role on some level.
I crave intimacy. Really, far beyond sex. Sex is hot, fast, and finishes quickly leaving an empty void when it is over. Sex is easy and satisfying even for a little while.
However, I have been paying attention to my interactions with guys I am romantically attracted to. I found myself getting over it very quickly. My dissatisfaction with people comes quickly. Their faults radiate brightly. However, really I just do not have room for a relationship on that level right now.
Author Archive: scott.kay
Burner Royalty
Last night I had the pleasure of meeting Marian Goodell from Burning Man while a month ago I met Larry Harvey. These are pretty much the two top names associated with Burning Man. Larry started Burning Man some 25 or 26 years ago (officially not 100% sure). Since this year is the 25th anniversary one might assume…
just sayin more
I have not been posting in the last couple weeks because some of the things weighing heavily on my mind have been more dramatic sounding then they are worth. There has been good things going on and bad things. All of which is adding up to me feeling very unhappy again.
The largest sword hanging over my head is a lack of money in my life and my ability to pay most of my bills. I was maintaining breathable air up until a month or so ago – I have officially sunk below the surface of the water. There is nothing I can do about any of it.
I ran a fundraiser last weekend and was completely blown off by a majority of the people I know. Strangers gave me more support and encouragement than people I though would not let me down. I am standing there with shit all over my face and a sad sense that I fucked myself hard and dirty. What a dumb-fucker I am. Damn, stupid mother-fucker who once again put faith in people only to be run over again.
Again and again.
Needless to say money I invested in setting up the fund raiser was money I did not have or committed to the wrong people.
NOW, I have the green light from Burning Man and have to get busy on the art installation. I have 2.5 months to get this item created… it’s very possible. Do I have the resources to accomplish this… oh lordie.
So, last night was a night of pure bliss. I got to see so many Burners out and shared in so many hugs and kisses and devine moments of pure happiness. Being around Burners feels good. I feel like one of the cool girls of the sorority house who’s pretty. Not like the real world where I feel like a discarded doll with stuffing coming out of the side of it’s head.
UGH! It all sounds very Brittney Spears… I mean bi-polar.
Fact is I am a miserable old fucker plotting along trying to get ahold of something here. I am starting to feel like I am done with Las Vegas again. Not even the Burners I consider family can raise me out of this funk.
I went out to lunch with a guy today and had nothing in common with him. Egh… no passion. Nothing excites him. It is enough for him to get out of bed every day. And he was just not attractive on any level. …sigh.
correction
On my previous entry I noted I was staying with “New Horizons”, which is wrong. My camp is “Journeys” and it will be at Center Camp behind the supply are of Center Camp (Somewhere near Black Rock Roller Disco I think).
shinaniganz
This was a long day. I did not let things get to me the way they could of, but I was still left thinking about a lot of things. Basically, I stayed in most of the day taking care of household shit while doing some reflection and shifts of household energy.
The previously written entries with me bitching about my house guest are meaningless. I was acting out in frustration and angst because the friendship was not taking shape like I had hoped; and for my vapid shallow followers the expectation was simply friendship.
There in-lies the problem that there was an expectation.
So, I still will always move the earth for someone who is a friend. I will turn the wheel that makes the earth go round for that friend.
Unfortunately, he left and I do not recall a single ‘thanks’… but I may be wrong. More expectations seem to color the farewell and the reflection of the friendship is still in shadow. Basically, I still do not know where I stand with him and I guess I have to just accept it. It is what it is.
I am feeling very frustrated, exhausted, and drawn because life is simply not advancing. I am begrudgingly trotting along trying to make life work. If my frustrations are misdirected? If my reaction is acting out inappropriately, all I can do is be aware and apologize in advance. I’m glad I have projects and things to keep my busy – or I might go fucking nuts.
not a good time
There are times when the weight of the world is stting on one’s chest and laughing while spitting in your face. Although it feels like that, it’s good to remeber that you know so many people who would be happy to have my problems.
Fuckin drama shit.
screwed up f/u
Well, it’s been a couple days since I admitted to something stupid here in the journal. We talked yesterday and my infraction is being treated like I bombed the WTC on my own. It’s way over the top. Considering our past history – one might not think it was such a big deal. Unless you really look at the facts.
I invited him into my house thinking he was my friend. Whatever that means to me and what ever it means to him might be two different things. Alas, I forgot that once before I asked him if he respected me. I never got an an answer. I started to see – that in reality – everything I am is almost completely disgusting to him.
Meh… you would think I would learn.
So, his accepting my invitation to stay here while here to get on his feet was just a means of use. It’s not a friend here to help a friend anymore… I am just being used. I am yet another person’s carpet.
I’m not good at finding friends. I am not good at knowing how to maintain relationships. I have problems with friends, family and more. As far as Burners are concerned my relationships seem more solid, so what is the difference? Maybe I a deluded. But maybe radical inclusion is the only thing I can hold on to?
from facebook
Someone had this posted
“Give yourself the compassion you deserve for any and all past actions. Stop judging yourself harshly. All those errors and wrong actions were necessary for you to get beyond that placein your life. Be kind to yourself and eliminate any ill feelings you harbor toward yourself.” – Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
screwed up (nfm)
It’s been a challenge, but since my previous entry every day has ended differently than before. I am making some new efforts to further bend me. To bend myself into something more evolved.
Today – while taking a step forward – I took a step backward. I woke up next to a friend of mine and using the brain in the wrong head thought I was going to – go there. Nope… may have wrecked the whole relationship. Not that we don’t have a history. Not that there is one other issue the spoiled the pot. But his reaction was so over the top I realized tonight the real problem is that he looks at me with disgust.
Ya know, if that is the case that’s okay. Look at me like I am some fat troll not worthy of you. I made a mistake this morning and it’s been haunting me all freaking day. It’s made me do some evaluating. It’s made me wonder where I really stand in this.
I wanted you as a friend and though what I did was almost nothing… not that I was not willing to go a little further… but the sheer idiocy of the moment was not lost on me and felt silly afterward. I woke up horny this morning. Kill me. You were naked and hard and laying there so fucking beautifully.
I’m not into you that way.
Ugh… so yeah. This entry was supposed to be about something else entirely.
changes
It may go without saying, or it might be the oldest saying there is, but it must be said. Now, I am going to hack this bitch up, but this is the general gist of what I am thinking:
“How can you expect to change your life unless you change what you’re doing for your life?”
See, hacked up. Basically I get caught up in routines and comfort zones. I’ve broken free of comfort zones for the most part and made excuses for others.
I have been SLOWLY focusing on changing parts of my life over the last couple years. I would like to say I am very different, but therein lay the delusion. As noted in previous entries as much as one changes one remains the same.
I am literally struggling day in and day out. I am really worried and having a hard time with WHERE I AM in life right now because I am that car that just came around the bend on a race track and hit a grease spot. That for the grace of God am I.
So why change? Why do anything different? What is so painful in life right now that is inspires anything but the same ol’ routine?
I am painfully lonely and as much as I try to hold on to certain friends in my life right now I never get complete fulfillment. I love my Burners. Seriously, when I need a mood enhancement (not chemical or intoxicant) I can be with my Burners and find comfort.
But I need more. I woke up today after a few days of contemplation considering when does this become action? When does change react to a catalyst?
- This weight I have been carrying for 8 years has to go
- I need to learn to be comfortable in my own skin
- I gotta stop bringing myself down
- I have to let go of the baggage of my childhood
- I need me
So, if I can maintain. If I can hold myself up. If I can accept. If I can find the inner strength, new day begins. No one can help me. No one knows what I need to get there. I do not think anyone knows me well enough to make this journey securely; even myself.
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”