Life takes some odd turns. While trying to figure out my ups from my downs I found something in the universe today that made me feel kinda good. Is it faith that things can be better; the eternal optimist. Or is it that for a few minutes things were bad, then they got better, and continued to be better?
Fuckit… it’s what the universe dealt. I went somewhere today looking for something that was no longer there; Blue Moon Vegas is running itself into the ground. In my frustration I went to the Luxor pool and felt comfortable. Then I went to Perry & Alex place and stayed the rest of the afternoon onto the evening… and it was good. Better than plan a.
But tomorrow being Monday… tomorrow another new week of exploration… hopefully new eyes… new heart.
Author Archive: scott.kay
My Art Project
So, the funding for my art project seems to be slipping away from me. I am trying to figure out a way of making it happen in-spite of a lack of funds. My 2 fund raiser were fund losers. So, I need to stop this whole nonsense of throwing a party in the hope of raising money.
My Kickstarter link has 2 backers and it is a total of 150$ which is a long way from 2500$ … I have this hulk of metal in my carport waiting to be finished and it’s just so expensive for the remaining elements.
The Night Version:
The Day Version:
More tomorrow… getting sleepy.
Planning again?
It seems that September is a time of the year where I experience a lot of changes in the bad habit that is my life. Right now I am looking ahead, able to anticipate certain things, but gamble on others.
I am so sick of not having a job. I have plenty of things to do. I can make some cash here and there, but it’s pennies compared to where I think I should be in life right now. However, there were a lot of expectations I was having about my success and career that are clearly out of focus and getting further away.
I am a good artist, designer, organizer, coordinator and more. I am a kick ass cook and I care about everything I do. But what does that add up to?
My freaking God, I have 2 degrees from an art school. I walked away from the school improved, but so not worth the money. The Art Institute of Las Vegas is thievery. Not my culinary program though, because there WAS a great chef at the helm back then. Since then I have not seen much of any quality coming out of that school. Considering the President is buying expensive gifts for employees and teachers are either doing coke in the parking lot or banging students…. I mean come on. You are better off going to UNLV or CSN for Gods sake. It’s half the cost or better.
So… on another subject… my art project funding is getting further and further away. I have it posted on www.art23design.com and Kickstarter.Com; it is also featured on Burning Man.Com. How am I failing so bad at this. I really really want to bring this project to the playa… bummed if it does not happen.
Troubles have been following me a lot lately and as usual it’s money related. I must be cursed. Must be. Ugh.
Radical Faeries?
SFO Raical Faeries
at Burning Man
Well, I have discovered another sub-culture here that has gained my attention and it might be an answer for some part of exploration. The Wolf Creek Radiacal Faery compound is one I heard about before and video from the site peaked my interest.
Now I found this mailing list I signed up on, so now I get these daily digests of people sharing informationand talking about RF institutions. They seem like a cloister taking in fallen or escaping gays who have spun out of sociarty… sorta like I feel a lot of times.
I could see myself pulling off the grid and finding something out there as an alternative. Certainly life in Vegas has been less than fulfilling. Certaintainly getting older has been very hard to deal with. It gets harder and harder to find something to hold onto on a daily basis.
If it were not for my Burner family and my family (mom, step-dad, and step siblings; I wish I knew or was closer to my living relatives) I would probably checked out a while ago.
Of course, it’s important to understand that at some point less than 2 yers ago I took a look at my life and decided it needed to change. In modern terms we call it a mid-life crisis. Now I feel like the crisis is fading, but it’s time to figure the next step.
Bottom line… I think I am done in Vegas. The signs are starting to really smack me in the face. What? How? Where? Time will tell. I am still looking for work here and am hoping that I can survive.
Back to the RF thing… it sounds like something I need to experience. There is an event July 25th to August 2nd up in Medford, Oregon I would love to go to. Mor to come….
What’s next?
So, I went on another interview today and I am sure I bombed it – again. He loved my work and then he had me run some kind of test… but it was horrible. I can code the shit out of a page. But he had me setup an html mailer off a photoshop mockup.
- on a MAC
- not with my reading glasses
- using f’ing DreamWeaver
- and I never made mailer before….
No excuses… on the way home when I thought about it… I thought how it would have been better to do it differently than I did. The thing is that the last guy left his open and I could have just copied… but I wanted to just do it on my own.
I managed to tie my own hands behind my own back and shove my foot in my ear all in one shot. Ugh… maybe I need to just stop this shit.
I am a good designer. I am talented. I cannot seem to get this career going. I feel like the universe is mocking me. ugh!
Memories
I spent part of my evening uploading pictures to my web site here. It was a walk through memory lane that I do not think I was ready for emotionally. To see Adolfo and his family … it’s so hard to think about something like that I lost.
Even to this day I think he and I were soul mates, but we hit too many bad patches in a row. I made a lot of stupid mistakes. I made a lot of foolish decisions, which is something I seem to constantly do.
I miss him still. Maybe this is why I am still single – other than the other series of foolish decisions – is because in my heart there is still something for him.
I thought I was past it all a long time ago. I still think about him here and there. [long pause here]
You see Adolfo came to my 2nd college graduation last year and while at dinner with my parents and a neighbor, he apparently told said neighbor (Olga) that all I wanted him for was his money. It made me so mad that I I really thought it killed the last ember in my heart for him.
See, when we met I was making good living and the principle supporter of our household. Over time, he started making almost twice what I made and it all shifted. I was so mad he seemed to forget all about that. I paid for so much in our survival as a couple.
We were foolish with our money. I was always making stupid decisions. But, I tried.
I’m pooped
It was a good day with some of my Burners at Captain Bill’s house. It’s always like a family gathering.
one is never satisfied
So, the pepto version of the site is gone and back to my favorite tones of green… it was a quick change I put in today while I really should have been doing some other things instead.
It’s not enough… never is… to be satisfied with the way things are. As much as I get easily trapped into routines, you think I might want to change my environment less. However, that is not the case.
Other things…
My satisfaction with life here in Vegas has been fading harder and harder every day. There are glimmers of hope and potential that keep popping up, but it is hard to have faith in anything or any one for that matter.
What I define as a friend seems to be so high on a pedestal that fulfilling that is unreal.
The guy I have considered my best friend has been unavailable for weeks and though he calls once in a while, there is still little time for me. He has his own life and certainly me being broke all the time helps very little.
Defining friendships and defining what the boundaries of these relationships has been lost in some levels. It’s weird, because I feel like we are estranged boyfriends some times. I joke that he is the best non-boyfriend ever… but the truth and sting of it is that there is a ring of truth to that. I do not want to go there with him… maybe because it feels like we have been playing that role on some level.
I crave intimacy. Really, far beyond sex. Sex is hot, fast, and finishes quickly leaving an empty void when it is over. Sex is easy and satisfying even for a little while.
However, I have been paying attention to my interactions with guys I am romantically attracted to. I found myself getting over it very quickly. My dissatisfaction with people comes quickly. Their faults radiate brightly. However, really I just do not have room for a relationship on that level right now.
Burner Royalty
Last night I had the pleasure of meeting Marian Goodell from Burning Man while a month ago I met Larry Harvey. These are pretty much the two top names associated with Burning Man. Larry started Burning Man some 25 or 26 years ago (officially not 100% sure). Since this year is the 25th anniversary one might assume…
just sayin more
I have not been posting in the last couple weeks because some of the things weighing heavily on my mind have been more dramatic sounding then they are worth. There has been good things going on and bad things. All of which is adding up to me feeling very unhappy again.
The largest sword hanging over my head is a lack of money in my life and my ability to pay most of my bills. I was maintaining breathable air up until a month or so ago – I have officially sunk below the surface of the water. There is nothing I can do about any of it.
I ran a fundraiser last weekend and was completely blown off by a majority of the people I know. Strangers gave me more support and encouragement than people I though would not let me down. I am standing there with shit all over my face and a sad sense that I fucked myself hard and dirty. What a dumb-fucker I am. Damn, stupid mother-fucker who once again put faith in people only to be run over again.
Again and again.
Needless to say money I invested in setting up the fund raiser was money I did not have or committed to the wrong people.
NOW, I have the green light from Burning Man and have to get busy on the art installation. I have 2.5 months to get this item created… it’s very possible. Do I have the resources to accomplish this… oh lordie.
So, last night was a night of pure bliss. I got to see so many Burners out and shared in so many hugs and kisses and devine moments of pure happiness. Being around Burners feels good. I feel like one of the cool girls of the sorority house who’s pretty. Not like the real world where I feel like a discarded doll with stuffing coming out of the side of it’s head.
UGH! It all sounds very Brittney Spears… I mean bi-polar.
Fact is I am a miserable old fucker plotting along trying to get ahold of something here. I am starting to feel like I am done with Las Vegas again. Not even the Burners I consider family can raise me out of this funk.
I went out to lunch with a guy today and had nothing in common with him. Egh… no passion. Nothing excites him. It is enough for him to get out of bed every day. And he was just not attractive on any level. …sigh.