Identity Crisis

Scott Aug 1966Since coming back from Burning Man I have made a lot of promises to myself, most of which I have managed to keep. These promises are all for my personal well-being and growth.
However, I have been left in this cloud where there is a distinct lack of direction and ability to latch onto something to get my life evolving forward.

  • I’ve made this promise of sobriety; not that I am a drunk or anything but I spent much of the last 2 years partying and doing things that were fun, but there is a point where one wants to take a step back and re-asses.
  • I’ve made this promise to eat food that is better for me; in fact I have been doing quite well. Fast food wrecks my internals parts and I feel bloated and gross after eating almost anything coming out of a drive-thru window.
  • I’ve set goals to create more and do more independent projects; I have 3 projects in the fire right now as seen on art23design.com

I am left without a sail right now and as I have worked to be a better person, both inside and out, I have found that something is broken.
Truth be told, I have been seeing a psychologist for a while talking about things in life and some of the baggage that I have been holding onto. A LOT OF STUFF keeps going back to the relationship between my father and I as well as my biological sister and I.

Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle on my moms side

Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle Chuck on my mom's side of the family.


My father and I had a very painful and disconnected relationship growing up and I was exploring some of it in a piece of art I was working on last night. His voice and his verbal abuse that literally sought to break me into something as loathsome as himself:

  • You are worthless
  • You are nothing
  • You are a mistake
  • You are not worth carrying my name

And a lot more items that still echo in my head and have reemerged while struggling with this unemployment situation and struggling to find my foothold as I march forward. At some point in my life Jack Kraske and Scott Kraske became passive/aggressive enemies and faith and love for this man was crushed.
He and my sister will never understand where I am coming from and there was a point about 2 years ago when I finally realized, my father has no faith in me at all.

  • My biological sister was always the one who could do no wrong, her pedestal was pretty high
  • She lied about a fight we had to the family and there is no way she can recant without looking like a fool
  • She has told her 3 absolutely beautiful children she was an only child
  • She is denying access for her kids to my mom and lies to her constantly

There is obviously a lot of baggage there too. I have had to come to terms with that relationship falling away because I do not think she and I have had a conversation in 25 years. There was something a couple years ago and she cowardly hid behind her husband speaking out of pure ignorance and stupidity… long story.
It’s all so very ugly and haunts me, because this is immediate family and is really filled with dysfunction and disconnection making “family” a four letter word. The people who are closest to you hurt you the worst. I feel like the black seed that has caused a cancer in this family that has gone beyond the immediate circle and branched up the chain enough that my mistakes are compounded by the history that began with my poor judgement. I refuse to be abused any more and I made another promise: To stop tearing myself down thinking it makes me humble… it just looks pathetic and hurts people that care about me.

Back from Burning Man

The trip to Burning Man is already detailed in the Burning Man section of my personal site.
In the final days of the trip I had time to do a lot of contemplating and deciding where to start moving in my life. I have been in a place of fantasy and delusion for a while and I am finding it is really time for action.
Sunday, I could not stop crying. I was a little sad bitch that got chocked up over the finality of it all … so I went away from camp to be on my own for a couple hours.
I can recommend to anyone that being completely broken away from society/comforts for a while is a good way to push that reset button.
There are some things I already decided on before going to BM that would be in place when I left; those are still active goals.
I was looking for some artistic inspiration that was missing and I found it.
A reaction to the situation previous was to move away from Vegas before October, but running away is not so prudent.
These are the different things I was thinking about while off planet.

To and From Burning Man 2010

The trip to and from Burning Man itself was a whole separate event than being at Burning Man itself. Nacie and I were traveling together again this year. I adore this girl and will go with her again.

My Ticket to Burning Man 2010 Nacie with her ticket to Burning Man 2010

So, I was looking for options to get us to Burning Man a cheaply as possible. Free sounded pretty good, right? The deal was that I drive a piece of someone’s art car to Burning Man, they pay gas, and we get there at no cost. Basically, they employ me to get their stuff up there.

Departure

We tell them we want to leave Friday morning on the 20th of August, which is why I wanted to pick up the van to be used on the Thursday previous.

Even with 5 days notice nothing is ready and I am told to be at their house at 6am to help clean out the van before I can begin loading our camping gear. It is at this point I am told we will not be able to leave until the middle to late afternoon. Stressed and sleepy, cleaning the van takes as long as it takes Frick and Frack to examine each piece they are pulling out. Meanwhile, Nacie and I are taking arm loads of shit and piling it into the garage.

He forward the guys who owned the art car will be known as Frick and Frack… but that will change in part 2.

Fast forward to 4pm when I have picked up Nacie, packed the van with our crap, and called to confirm the transporting trailer for their art car was present. Ideally, at least in my head, we could be heading north by 6pm.

Frick and Frack are still working on their art car so we are once again delayed and sitting around waiting… waiting… waiting.

Somewhere after dusk the train was ready to be loaded and we had been sitting their for hours and were losing patience faster then the ticking seconds on a clock… grrr. Frick and Frack decide it is time to take their car on a joy-ride through the neighborhood.

Soon the art car is loaded and all the nice things going along with it, which lands us somewhere around after 10pm. By this time I was completely at peace with the fact it will be a night long drive. Meanwhile, Nacie is slowing checking out psychologially on me. However, soon, we are on our way.

The first thing I do is clip a pole and we’re all back to the house for a long discussion about whether or not it can be fixed that night or not. Thankfully, Burner veterans and friends who made the arrangement appear convincing them we can still go that night if a repair could be made. An hour later the fender looks like was almost new again – a miracle… and by midnight-ish we were gone. Frack was a genius with a welder.

Return Trip

Frick and Frack arrived a few days later at Burning Man with the second piece of their art car and it was an amazing week. That is detailed elsewhere.

When preparing to leave Sunday, Nacie and I are informed that we will be departing Monday evening at 5pm. Which, according to the Burning Man guide is one of the worst times to join the Exodus.

We are also told that we, Frick and Frack, all have to travel back together. This is because their RV barely has any tread on their tires and broke down 3 times on the way up.

5 hours waiting to get out of Burning Man at a slow crawl meeting fabulous people on the way… 1/3 tank of gas to get me close to 100 miles in a pig of a machine. The refusal of Frick and Frack to acknowledge my concerns… Frick and Frack  was to become Drunk and Drunker! Drunk and Drunker drank from sun-up to sun-down and getting ready for a long road trip was nothing different.

5 hours of waiting, we only could imagine how many Miller Lites that Drunk and Drunker put down.

They skipped the first gas station and as we did I saw straps were loose on our trailer so I signalled Drunk and Drunker to pull over while we checked them… and off they went into the distance without a though.

We picked them up further along the way and explained what happen, but reminded them I barely had enough gas; Drunk and Drunker were unfazed.

The empty gas light came on 20 miles previous to the next gas station.

WE HAD to stop at Walmart in Fernley so Drunk and Drunker could get spark plugs because their 6 cylinder engine was working only on 4. They bought 6 quarts of oil, spark plugs and a new oil filter. Heading back out to the cars 6 hours after attempting to leave a place that was literally 100 miles away Nacie and I were starving. Hold on Frack says, whcile checking the engine oil and confirming they needed to get some work done further down the road. They urgently prepared for departure, but Nacie and I had to put our foot down demanding we be allowed to get some dinner.

We went to Jakes at the Silverado Casino that was across the way… the same place we ate at last year and loved it.

Upon returning the RV housing Drunk and Drunker is dark, but the door is ajar. “Where are they?” we wonder… after about 15 minutes we call inside seeing they were napping.

It is at this time they decide to install the spark-plugs instead of doing it the 1 hour we were eating close by… so more delays.

Then by 11pm we are back on the road once again.

30 Miles South of Tonopaugh, an hour in which I refused to look at a clock, we stopped to nap.

Sunrise: they decide to change the oil on the van I was driving. Theydumped the oil into the side of the road, Frick chucking the used oil filter into a close berm, and off we go.

The last miles back were just as painful and grating as the time spend at their house waiting for the art car to be loaded. We made it back though in one piece and no break-downs… we’ll call that a win.

another cool video

Another cool video with sharing. Funny how small the Burner world is… it’s 2 degrees of separation. The more I get involved the closer the relationships come. In this video I see it is shot out of the back of a friends art car; it’s a Star Trek Next Gen space shuttle. It was coincidentally the first art car I saw upon arriving at Burning Man last year. This was even before I knew them… oh what a small world.

Things that matter

  1. Being able to look someone in the eye
  2. Being able to hug someone at any time
  3. Being able to offer a helping hand
  4. Being able to accept a helping hand
  5. Supporting your family and friends when you can
  6. Sharing love and friendship with another
  7. Getting a kiss from someone awesome
  8. Coming home to peace and quiet
  9. Being able to float in a nice pool on a hot day
  10. Just chillin’ out with friends

Why am I making lists these days? Just taking inventory I guess. As I get closer to Burning Man it is time to take on inventory again for the next step in life.
Again, I am feeling a tremendous need to get the hell out of Las Vegas. I feel like I have done and experienced everything possible here. Though I have met some really amazing people here … the calling is pulling me away – but to where?
Ever just feel stuck? Ever just feel like your feet are stick in mud and just raising your foot is really really hard. That’s me.
Can;t post on Facebook anymore because too many people are seeing it and commenting on it. Just this last month, so many people have told me how sad I look. I saw this fat, older dude sitting on a bench in his underwear at the gym staring into the wall like he had nothing to live for – that for the grace of God goes I.
I project a lot. I try seeing through other people’s eyes and rarely is it good for me. Meps.

New Chaps

I made a pair of chaps this week.. this is my first pictures of them… not sure … thought my ass was prettier.

Monotropolis is Burning

My planned art project has been falling apart since its inception and it’s been a long slow disintegration. Last night, the framework I built for it was actually stolen. 300$ worth of material gone.

So, in my head I am trying to think of a Plan D (yes, that many). My partner on this project bailed early on, if he was ever really invested. 3 fund raising attempts have been a disaster.

If you are willing to throw some cash at me www.art23design.com for donations if you’re feeling it. HA HA HA

All the donations I have had were swallowed up faster than the money landed in my hands.

Down now, not out. Maybe the universe is just saying… not this year?

10 Things…

10 Things I love about Vegas

  1. Pools on hot days
  2. The comfort and lack of agendas from fellow burners
  3. Sunset
  4. Moon rise
  5. The hills surrounding the city during sunset and dusk
  6. … hmmm, I’m stuck. How long can one stare at the screen trying to fill in the rest of this list. I just whipped out the 10 things I hate about Vegas.

When the wrong thing is easier that the right thing it is time for an evaluation.