You know, there is a lot of people in this world whom I have grown to love and appreciate. BUT, many of them are outside of a shell for me. I choose freinds and invest everything and somewhere along the way it became/becomes too much or I manage to fuck it up somehow.
When I recently made a move to get back together with my ex, Adolfo, I really thought there was a chance something could come from it. I may have thrown too much too fast, especially for him and his life things that he is still dealing with.
I love/d him for a very long time and it can’t just be turned off. We spent 6 years of my life together and I used the word “soul-mate”.
But I was a fighter. I was a believer. I’m not sure how much I am anymore.
It does not help I met a nice boy recently who is 21 years younger than me. He is sweet and good company, but it’s not exactly like we have had many deep conversations. Who knows…
None the less, my last entry is making a very loud sound in my head. I will have time to do a lot of thinking this week.
My best friend of 3 years here in Vegas has been dissing me more and more; taking me completely for granted. At the same time, he’s come through on a couple pinches. I got mad at him last Monday because he stood me up for some reason and I have not heard from him since.
My friends in in L.A. seem a million miles away. Seeing Kaidy was huge and rewarding. Cooking for his friends was pure joy.
Jeffy-Jeff was not to be found while I was in L.A… bummer x 100
But, not to play the sad song, few people have gone as deep as these guys.
On the other side of the shell is my Burner Family. It’s full of passionate people with deeply helped points of view, but at the same time deep and warm embarrass on every meeting. But even that is about to change.
Author Archive: scott.kay
The Universe
STOP SCREAMING AT ME!!!!!!!!
Okay, now to something a little less schizophrenic. To start off with, a little background, I am a believer in Augurism (spell check tells me this is not a word). It is something they last used (to my knowledge with the exception of current Wicca) in ancient Rome to tell the future, present past blah blah blah. Like if an eagle appeared in the sky the battle would be victorious; end of long explanation.
Been seeing a lot of signs, but because of the DISASTER that was my move to Portland, I have been ignoring things and letting other things stand in my way. Today, no less than half a dozen sign and one actually spoken to my FACE by someone completely out of character like she was possessed…. yeh.
I think God or the Universe or whatever… has been kicking me in the balls over and over and over and I am too engrossed in NOTHING to listen.
Hm… when I am sober tomorrow I’ll revisit these thoughts.
Little Victories
Since coming home from Burning Man this year I have made some promises to myself as previously noted. Chiefly, in my diet and my activity. I have been carrying about 50 pounds I want to get rid off.
Yesterday my friend Deb told me she lost 50 pounds herself and I was so impressed.
Mornings:
Get up eat something lite like a yogurt, fruit or whatever is light and metabolic.
Then take Tom for a long walk (high paced) going more than 30 minutes
Eat something for breakfast later, small and balanced with some coffee
Middle Day:
Small lunch usually a salad or wrap with healthy ingredients, non-fat bits for flavor like fat-free cheese or dressing
Gym time: Yoga or Cardio
Late Day:
Dinner around six and much like Lunch. Turkey patty or veggie patty
Often end up snacking on a little something in the evening… probably the worst part regards to my diet
Basically I removed milk and bread from my diet right now, not eating mets with a high fat content. I made beans, chick peas, and have these elements incorporated in my diet. I tried making a little hummus and there was so much fat incorporated into it it turned me off a little.
Funny, when you make the food and know exactly what is in it .. you might think differently how and when to eat it.
Still marching forward… good eats!
Meh
I just read through some of this shit… I hated it all.
Now what?
Can’t say I can see the future… but after my last three entries I had hopes for something to go more positive. Now I deleted those three entries thinking I might be deluding myself once again.
I live life with a head full of pixie dust and dreams. For an artist who could support himself that might be a good thing, but a down and out loser who is making chump-change and can’t maintain a job it’s not so good.
Maybe dad was right about a lot of things, maybe he was just an asshole. None the less, there are times when his advice seems brilliant and his words take on meaning.
I feel stupid for believing in people and believing in myself. I’m stupid for trying to be
Meh… mom stop reading these stupid entries and and just delete the email login I sent you… you needn’t get wrapped up in my shit. I should have told you that already. When we talked on the phone earlier I had hopes that things with Adolfo and I were really going to go somewhere. I’m not so sure.
I’m a huge fuckup. I am the living embodiment of fuckup.
Video: Scenic Boys 2010
Scenic Boys: Burning Man 2010
[vimeo]15071199[/vimeo]
My Art Project
This is the final result of a lot of stress for months and I am already working on more for 2011 on art23design.com … so it is with excitement and anxiety I jump into the process once more.
I will have a posting out soon of a poster I am developing as a gift for those people who helped me get to the finish line!
Identity Crisis
Since coming back from Burning Man I have made a lot of promises to myself, most of which I have managed to keep. These promises are all for my personal well-being and growth.
However, I have been left in this cloud where there is a distinct lack of direction and ability to latch onto something to get my life evolving forward.
- I’ve made this promise of sobriety; not that I am a drunk or anything but I spent much of the last 2 years partying and doing things that were fun, but there is a point where one wants to take a step back and re-asses.
- I’ve made this promise to eat food that is better for me; in fact I have been doing quite well. Fast food wrecks my internals parts and I feel bloated and gross after eating almost anything coming out of a drive-thru window.
- I’ve set goals to create more and do more independent projects; I have 3 projects in the fire right now as seen on art23design.com
I am left without a sail right now and as I have worked to be a better person, both inside and out, I have found that something is broken.
Truth be told, I have been seeing a psychologist for a while talking about things in life and some of the baggage that I have been holding onto. A LOT OF STUFF keeps going back to the relationship between my father and I as well as my biological sister and I.
Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle Chuck on my mom's side of the family.
My father and I had a very painful and disconnected relationship growing up and I was exploring some of it in a piece of art I was working on last night. His voice and his verbal abuse that literally sought to break me into something as loathsome as himself:
- You are worthless
- You are nothing
- You are a mistake
- You are not worth carrying my name
And a lot more items that still echo in my head and have reemerged while struggling with this unemployment situation and struggling to find my foothold as I march forward. At some point in my life Jack Kraske and Scott Kraske became passive/aggressive enemies and faith and love for this man was crushed.
He and my sister will never understand where I am coming from and there was a point about 2 years ago when I finally realized, my father has no faith in me at all.
- My biological sister was always the one who could do no wrong, her pedestal was pretty high
- She lied about a fight we had to the family and there is no way she can recant without looking like a fool
- She has told her 3 absolutely beautiful children she was an only child
- She is denying access for her kids to my mom and lies to her constantly
There is obviously a lot of baggage there too. I have had to come to terms with that relationship falling away because I do not think she and I have had a conversation in 25 years. There was something a couple years ago and she cowardly hid behind her husband speaking out of pure ignorance and stupidity… long story.
It’s all so very ugly and haunts me, because this is immediate family and is really filled with dysfunction and disconnection making “family” a four letter word. The people who are closest to you hurt you the worst. I feel like the black seed that has caused a cancer in this family that has gone beyond the immediate circle and branched up the chain enough that my mistakes are compounded by the history that began with my poor judgement. I refuse to be abused any more and I made another promise: To stop tearing myself down thinking it makes me humble… it just looks pathetic and hurts people that care about me.
Back from Burning Man
The trip to Burning Man is already detailed in the Burning Man section of my personal site.
In the final days of the trip I had time to do a lot of contemplating and deciding where to start moving in my life. I have been in a place of fantasy and delusion for a while and I am finding it is really time for action.
Sunday, I could not stop crying. I was a little sad bitch that got chocked up over the finality of it all … so I went away from camp to be on my own for a couple hours.
I can recommend to anyone that being completely broken away from society/comforts for a while is a good way to push that reset button.
There are some things I already decided on before going to BM that would be in place when I left; those are still active goals.
I was looking for some artistic inspiration that was missing and I found it.
A reaction to the situation previous was to move away from Vegas before October, but running away is not so prudent.
These are the different things I was thinking about while off planet.