I have been blessed on many levels and I need to count those blessings more often. I know my prayers are being heard, but even though there is a long delay in the results, I am still managing.
I am blessed that I can still maintain a home, put food on the table, and be healthy. I can see a doctor when I need to thanks to the V.A. and I am on a regimine to becoming what I hope is – a healthier individual.
I am blessed because people love me for me. I am blessed because I have friends who hug me when I see them. I am blessed because thee are people who love me. And someone says he loves me, too.
Why am I still stuck in this spot though… not moving forward?
Author Archive: scott.kay
Tell me why?
I have not been posting here very often, I think I am now apologizing amost weekly, but am sick by where I am in life and the direction it is all going into.
Today I put a posting on Twitter that… well, that gave me pause. I wondered how it was that every male I have looked up to in the past has managed to let me down. How every man I put on a pedistal ended up disapointing me.
Here, I thought most of my issues revolved around women. Here I am having worked my way down that road, with better relationships with women, to realize I have more issues to deal with.
It’s like a conveyor belt at a friggin airport.
Reflection
You know, there is a lot of people in this world whom I have grown to love and appreciate. BUT, many of them are outside of a shell for me. I choose freinds and invest everything and somewhere along the way it became/becomes too much or I manage to fuck it up somehow.
When I recently made a move to get back together with my ex, Adolfo, I really thought there was a chance something could come from it. I may have thrown too much too fast, especially for him and his life things that he is still dealing with.
I love/d him for a very long time and it can’t just be turned off. We spent 6 years of my life together and I used the word “soul-mate”.
But I was a fighter. I was a believer. I’m not sure how much I am anymore.
It does not help I met a nice boy recently who is 21 years younger than me. He is sweet and good company, but it’s not exactly like we have had many deep conversations. Who knows…
None the less, my last entry is making a very loud sound in my head. I will have time to do a lot of thinking this week.
My best friend of 3 years here in Vegas has been dissing me more and more; taking me completely for granted. At the same time, he’s come through on a couple pinches. I got mad at him last Monday because he stood me up for some reason and I have not heard from him since.
My friends in in L.A. seem a million miles away. Seeing Kaidy was huge and rewarding. Cooking for his friends was pure joy.
Jeffy-Jeff was not to be found while I was in L.A… bummer x 100
But, not to play the sad song, few people have gone as deep as these guys.
On the other side of the shell is my Burner Family. It’s full of passionate people with deeply helped points of view, but at the same time deep and warm embarrass on every meeting. But even that is about to change.
The Universe
STOP SCREAMING AT ME!!!!!!!!
Okay, now to something a little less schizophrenic. To start off with, a little background, I am a believer in Augurism (spell check tells me this is not a word). It is something they last used (to my knowledge with the exception of current Wicca) in ancient Rome to tell the future, present past blah blah blah. Like if an eagle appeared in the sky the battle would be victorious; end of long explanation.
Been seeing a lot of signs, but because of the DISASTER that was my move to Portland, I have been ignoring things and letting other things stand in my way. Today, no less than half a dozen sign and one actually spoken to my FACE by someone completely out of character like she was possessed…. yeh.
I think God or the Universe or whatever… has been kicking me in the balls over and over and over and I am too engrossed in NOTHING to listen.
Hm… when I am sober tomorrow I’ll revisit these thoughts.
Little Victories
Since coming home from Burning Man this year I have made some promises to myself as previously noted. Chiefly, in my diet and my activity. I have been carrying about 50 pounds I want to get rid off.
Yesterday my friend Deb told me she lost 50 pounds herself and I was so impressed.
Mornings:
Get up eat something lite like a yogurt, fruit or whatever is light and metabolic.
Then take Tom for a long walk (high paced) going more than 30 minutes
Eat something for breakfast later, small and balanced with some coffee
Middle Day:
Small lunch usually a salad or wrap with healthy ingredients, non-fat bits for flavor like fat-free cheese or dressing
Gym time: Yoga or Cardio
Late Day:
Dinner around six and much like Lunch. Turkey patty or veggie patty
Often end up snacking on a little something in the evening… probably the worst part regards to my diet
Basically I removed milk and bread from my diet right now, not eating mets with a high fat content. I made beans, chick peas, and have these elements incorporated in my diet. I tried making a little hummus and there was so much fat incorporated into it it turned me off a little.
Funny, when you make the food and know exactly what is in it .. you might think differently how and when to eat it.
Still marching forward… good eats!
Meh
I just read through some of this shit… I hated it all.
Now what?
Can’t say I can see the future… but after my last three entries I had hopes for something to go more positive. Now I deleted those three entries thinking I might be deluding myself once again.
I live life with a head full of pixie dust and dreams. For an artist who could support himself that might be a good thing, but a down and out loser who is making chump-change and can’t maintain a job it’s not so good.
Maybe dad was right about a lot of things, maybe he was just an asshole. None the less, there are times when his advice seems brilliant and his words take on meaning.
I feel stupid for believing in people and believing in myself. I’m stupid for trying to be
Meh… mom stop reading these stupid entries and and just delete the email login I sent you… you needn’t get wrapped up in my shit. I should have told you that already. When we talked on the phone earlier I had hopes that things with Adolfo and I were really going to go somewhere. I’m not so sure.
I’m a huge fuckup. I am the living embodiment of fuckup.
Video: Scenic Boys 2010
Scenic Boys: Burning Man 2010
[vimeo]15071199[/vimeo]
My Art Project
This is the final result of a lot of stress for months and I am already working on more for 2011 on art23design.com … so it is with excitement and anxiety I jump into the process once more.
I will have a posting out soon of a poster I am developing as a gift for those people who helped me get to the finish line!