Somehow this morning I seem to have smokers voice… what is up with that? Do I sound sexy, baby? HA HA HA… I already started working this morning after an hour plus wasted on CityVille. Calling metal fabricators to get the materials I need for my art project, then also hoping to get on with all my other plans.
I am worried, very worried, about income versus ability to go to Burning Man this year. I am looking for a job and even though I am doing that I am not working. No income coming in, not really, but what there is is finite.
Anymore surprises like I got for NY’s (my clutch dying on my car) that cost 400$ I did not have to spend and I am toast. For the very grace of God was I able to do anything about it, but it kills me on 2 items I was intent on doing in the next week.
Money donated through the IndieGoGo funding campaign is to stay separate and accounted for. I do not want any blurry lines.
Anyway… I hope all goes well. I have some amazing stuff to offer.
Author Archive: scott.kay
Reflections
Well, the day is winding down and I feel lik the face life of UrielsJournal is basically done. I am sure I will add more over time. I am also very interested in hearing what people think.
Odly, I know people are visiting and reading through these pages and I do not get a lot of comments. I know I used to get a lot more back in time, like through the period when I lived in Boston to shortly after moving to Las Vegas. Maybe I will hear more in the future?
My mom reads these things… unless she gave up on it and ran away because there was too much depressing shit on here. Lord knows I have enough blog sites out there. No… I cannot tell you off handed how many there are. REDCarte.Com, Art23Design.Com, GotNurv.Com and this one are probably the most active of them.
Anyway, I took my sleeping pill a few minutes ago and am waiting for all the wheels in the head to get a guncked up and pass out. You might have noticed my tweet yesterday how FUCKED UP this year has started off with… but it is so wierd that as fucked up as it was that I am still okay.
My mom worries too much about me and I am sure at this point she thinks I am completely off my nut. I am in a good way. I am wanting to be happy in life doing something that makes it worth getting up for everyday… but it’s not been available to me.
My father always told me to keep my head down and nose to the grindston and blah blah blah. He spent his career in a job he hated, because it served a couple purposes. 1. He never had to care about what anyone else thought. 2. He was probably fucking everything he could find while driving his truck. 3. It put food on the table and let him save enough money to retire at 55. So, there is a wisdom in that (point 3 specifically) but he is a miserable, selfish man who … well, let’s just close that baggage before we go any further.
The point is I get his point on that point. Following that? Is it selling my soul to get a job I hate to get through the next day? Is it wrong of me to want to do amazing things with art and such? Food! Yes, making food! If I could I would have a restaurant!
This chick who own Forte Tapas here in Vegas loves art and food and she has her place, but she has to be a lot smarter than me. She has it.
Okay, don rambling tonight. I put the facelife on UrielsJournal and am putting a facelife on GayBurners.Com hopefully finishing tomorrow.
xo
Days gone by
Well, a lot has transpired in my relationship with the Burning Man community since coming back this year. A battle between myself and one of the regionals seems to have come to a head and a letter I wrote to BMorg seems to have been a catalyst for some changes.
I guess as any group, there is some politics that come into play and as I have personally involved myself more the deep I got into it all. I felt like I had to fight the very person who is supposed to be supporting the 10 burning man principles. It was so frustrating because that kind of thing causes fallout which impacts other people directly or indirectly.
In this time I have met and talked to people connected with Burning Man the corporation about problems here and said my point of view. That is I told my perception of the story that really does not need to be revisited on this journal.
Since then 10 people have put their names into the hat to be a regional representative for Burning Man in the Southern Nevada region; half of them really have no business do it because they have no clue about this community. I might have said that about another person on the list of candidates but one of the new people to this community has shown an interesting spirit I can relate to.
It will be interesting to see how this regional role process plays out and how the community embraces or supports these changes. 2 current regionals need to be unseated – period. There are a variety of reasons on those counts.
Of the current candidates, I can say I am genuinely worried about the stability of this region regarding leadership. If I am chosen or asked to take the roll I will, but I can see a rocky path ahead; I hope to be surprised.
The people on the list are so diverse, but there is a ‘click’ in that group that is definitely not a good thing for Las Vegas burners. Unfortunately, I hate sounding like a pessimist, but Burning Man has a blind spot and I think it could lead to the ultimate degradation of everything it stands for and has built.
One thing is certain, the longer this goes on the more fractured Southern Nevada Burners are becoming and have become. Some say nay, but it is unfortunately true. We need a voice that can bring people together and build bridges. We need more from Burning Man than Larry Harvey standing in a bar. We need a dynamic voice like Marian. I do not know Stephen Raspa or a lot of other people, but seriously… we need more.
The New Year
At the end of 2010 I made a promise to myself that I would not put any negative statements on Facebook. I see a few people posting out their personal dramas on there and I do not think people care. Even friends or psuedo-friends as it were.
I’ll say this… 2010 ended in fireworks and 2011 started in ashes and a foot full of dog poop.
In the evening of 12/31 my Chamsa broke off my neck; it is a charm that in the magical world is designed to protect one from evil/demons (one in particular but I wear it as general protection). So, I drove off to the party Friday night and and had an amazing night. BUT! When I was ready to leave after I could not move my car. Some part of the clutch went out so I have to leave it there.
The next day being a national holiday, I could not move it. But Monday I got it to the garage and that bill came to 400$.. every cent I had so now I am broke until next week.
On top of that, my phone is not working correctly and half the buttons will not do anything. Nothing happened to it as far as I know, but I see a separation between the face and the body. Ugh… so irritated.
I know all these things sound minor and little, especially in the face of other people and their bigger issues, but it feels like since the beginning of the year there has been one problem after another.
I’m just bitchin’ because I can I guess.
Along with this rant, I’ll note that Aldo and I broke up on Christmas Day and I was really bummed. He did not deserve me. He blew me off on Christmas and my birthday so those were the coffin nails as it were. He was such a cute, sweet guy and was actually into me but I will NOT be dissed!!!
Okay, more to come soon.
How do you like the new design?
Grrrrrrr
There are some constants in this universe around me I cannot seem to escape:
- I am a magnet for idiot drivers on the road; lately is seems like it is always a California license plate. If those people would practice more with their texting and hands-free driving they might be better drivers.
- People will prattle on a long ass time about their own lives no matter how busy I am and they will do it in spite of the vacant and distant expression that I know MUST be on my face. Look, stupid, Smallville is on. Stop talking!!!
- If I am running late getting out the door, Tom will need to go out and pee.
So – yeah.
Some thoughts
Fortunately, this is the blog I have that I don’t think the people in or around Burning Man pays any attention to. It’s been a rough few months in my burner world and took me to the edge of nearly abandoning this life altogether.
Anyone who knows me and my life here, Burner stuff is the one thing that has given me light. I have to say, I hated life in Vegas before getting involved with the Burner community.
None the less, when I began in September ’08 I spent a lot of time staying out of the politics of the community. In fact, I made a quick exit any time it came up. Somewhere along the way I took on a label as an organizer and was soon eyeball deep in drama and politics.
I tried not to be a cause of any of it… but when I complained to Burning Man about the abuses of a local regional a new shit storm came and seems to be blowing over. He really needs to resign because he has been such an asshole. Ironically, he has also done some awesome things for me and for the community. But one screw up can destroy all the good work you left behind. It’s a bigger picture thing.
Another group of people in Vegas from the head camp of Burning Man – who recently moved here to Vegas – and I have also locked horns a bit. It’s fucking sucked because these First Camp people are people I would like to know. Many I genuinely like. I cannot believe the snobbery of some.
Once in a conversation I heard dialog that sounded a lot like they were kings of the hill and they were looking down at all the less worthy participants. I don’t think she was aware of what she said. The sense of __________ is a little unnerving, but not shocking given SOME of the attitudes I have seen.
The one woman of Burning Man whom I have really been blown away by is Marian… she is a sexy woman and a bright soul. For anyone paying attention to this blog, she is like 2nd in command at BM whom I met a couple of times and feel invigorated when we have spoken. She is charming and seems grounded. Way cool.
Anyway, I have had a lot of problems communicating with people in the community lately and probably put my foot pretty deep into my mouth. I really should have just stayed out of it… maybe I’ll learn next time.
I have put my name in the bowl to be a regional in the community and if they accept my application, I think I can do a good job. I know 2 of the others who have too and know they would be awesome as well.
Sorry for all the babble here…. more to come.
Happy Tuesday
Well, I know most of my blogs are just me bitching about this or that. Maybe relaying too much on my own personal drama. Frankly, I am trying to make my left the best I can make it.
Being unemployed so long has been making me a little nuts. I do stay very busy. Imagine trying to start a handful of businesses and taking all the odd jobs I can find just to get through the day.
I have my web design stuff at StudioSK and then added to that gotNurv. These are the two I was hoping would generate more money or at least provide me a channel to make money or get a real job. Unfortunately neither has resulted. I am employer pariah it seems. I keep thinking people look at me and see my age, but I am NOT that old.
Also, for those who might be out of date I have a boyfriend now. Aldo is a sweet guy, but I am still holding back on some levels because he is 20 years younger than I am. He is sweet, as previously mentioned, but I am worried a lot about knowing I am dating an adult.
He and I have some seriously weird shit in common and relate well in some areas. So, there is a lot of hope. I think we had our first “fight” yesterday which was really me jumping into his shit over something.
Anyway, here’s to hoping life just gets better and better. I need wealth really bad right now… so come on universe throw me a bone.
Today to Tomorrow
I have been blessed on many levels and I need to count those blessings more often. I know my prayers are being heard, but even though there is a long delay in the results, I am still managing.
I am blessed that I can still maintain a home, put food on the table, and be healthy. I can see a doctor when I need to thanks to the V.A. and I am on a regimine to becoming what I hope is – a healthier individual.
I am blessed because people love me for me. I am blessed because I have friends who hug me when I see them. I am blessed because thee are people who love me. And someone says he loves me, too.
Why am I still stuck in this spot though… not moving forward?
Tell me why?
I have not been posting here very often, I think I am now apologizing amost weekly, but am sick by where I am in life and the direction it is all going into.
Today I put a posting on Twitter that… well, that gave me pause. I wondered how it was that every male I have looked up to in the past has managed to let me down. How every man I put on a pedistal ended up disapointing me.
Here, I thought most of my issues revolved around women. Here I am having worked my way down that road, with better relationships with women, to realize I have more issues to deal with.
It’s like a conveyor belt at a friggin airport.
Reflection
You know, there is a lot of people in this world whom I have grown to love and appreciate. BUT, many of them are outside of a shell for me. I choose freinds and invest everything and somewhere along the way it became/becomes too much or I manage to fuck it up somehow.
When I recently made a move to get back together with my ex, Adolfo, I really thought there was a chance something could come from it. I may have thrown too much too fast, especially for him and his life things that he is still dealing with.
I love/d him for a very long time and it can’t just be turned off. We spent 6 years of my life together and I used the word “soul-mate”.
But I was a fighter. I was a believer. I’m not sure how much I am anymore.
It does not help I met a nice boy recently who is 21 years younger than me. He is sweet and good company, but it’s not exactly like we have had many deep conversations. Who knows…
None the less, my last entry is making a very loud sound in my head. I will have time to do a lot of thinking this week.
My best friend of 3 years here in Vegas has been dissing me more and more; taking me completely for granted. At the same time, he’s come through on a couple pinches. I got mad at him last Monday because he stood me up for some reason and I have not heard from him since.
My friends in in L.A. seem a million miles away. Seeing Kaidy was huge and rewarding. Cooking for his friends was pure joy.
Jeffy-Jeff was not to be found while I was in L.A… bummer x 100
But, not to play the sad song, few people have gone as deep as these guys.
On the other side of the shell is my Burner Family. It’s full of passionate people with deeply helped points of view, but at the same time deep and warm embarrass on every meeting. But even that is about to change.