There are a lot of days that come and go when it feels like I am literally falling into a whole. Today was like that, seems like it is happening once a week, but something always makes the landing just soft enough to to keep from getting a bloody nose.
I know I have a lot of things going on and I get a lot of good things happening, don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for every day and really have been taking a lot in the face just to get from getting up in the morning and going to bed at night.
I hope a change in energy will allow me to have a change in focus over the next couple months as I get ready for what may well be my last Burning Man. I can keep making art and I can keep involving myself with some local burner crap but I think it’s time to let go. Everything that was fulfilling got light shined onto it in the last year and the dreamkillers won.
Digressing
Well, there are these days when a lot of things are going on and somehow at the end of the day I still feel like I got beat up. Today I was home until noonish and then went to go see Harry Potter by myself. Then I had a date with a guy I met on the train yesterday who is 22 years old. He was cute, sweet, nice and very interested in me. We met today and I was not feeling ‘it’. I hung out and suggested we get some dinner and he kept tooling around, playing on his blackberry and for some reason keeping me from getting food. I ended up just walking away…
Dating? Ugh… at least not that way. I had no idea what the hell I was doing with that kid and I am just over this stupid idea of trying to date again. I am 4 freaking years out of practice… is it supposed to be hard?
Author Archive: scott.kay
Aftermath
Before I left Las Vegas I thought it was a good thing for me to “help” some local members of my Burner Community who I saw as being treated unfairly. This started somewhere around September 2010 and I just could not get the local support I needed, so I went to Burning Man themselves for help and ended up with egg on my face.
The people who stood up and offered their support were only the people directly or indirectly affected by the issue. Meanwhile, most of the community would only talk in whispers about the issue and really no one had the core to stand up say that this was wrong.
In the end I think I have come to terms that it is all perception. Yes, I think the women affected were being treated unfairly. The spin the offenders were making around the issues and their close association with Burning Man ended up really making the whole thing into something other than what I was trying to convey; admittedly I could not have communicated it very well.
I do like someone’s answer to me why my words were falling so short and their lies and misrepresentations were so much louder: “The greater the lie the more believable.” When I went to the Burning Man Leadership conference in April a letter written by one of the offenders was read out loud and gave the details generally accurate, with some conveniently placed assertions what were just fiction.
- the independent group of people who read and analyzed the complaint basically sided with my argument and I thought suddenly I had some weight to say; let’s make peace now
- later that day I talked to one of the owners of Burning Man about it and I was told that: “I understand your intention, but your approach was all wrong” …it was echoes by a couple more people at the conference from my region and I had to reflect on where I went wrong… I still have not figured it out
- after the conference Burning Man basically said …tough shit, you people figure it out on your own.
Las Vegas does/did not have a way of handling community issues. We had Napoleon at the helm and no one at the wheel. I left that community in May 2011 for San Francisco feeling very disenchanted with Burning Man.
During the conference and the section on community conflict resolution a majority of the leadership offered “shunning” as a solution. It seems there is a generation of Burners who’s only solution to community issues is ignoring them.
“Shunning” was such an offensive term and concept. It reeks of ambivalence instead of reaching out and making sure that some effort in conflict resolution is really there. “Radical …” whatever includes self-expression, self-reliance and apparently only if it is stoned, high on ex or tripping on mushroom; don’t mess up our high.
Shunning took place in Vegas a couple of times and in one case I was not aware until later. In another case it was related to the three women being excluded from the community.
It was not my battle and apparently what I was supposed to do is let those people stand up for themselves. In the end I am left feeling very dis-enfranchised with Burning Man when once I felt like it’s biggest cheerleader.
There is NO DOUBT that Burning Man is a life changing experience and without drugs, without sex, without booze, without the never ending raves, it has a heart at it’s core that beats strong for the right reasons. It brings inspiration and it brings community.
I can’t say if it is missing something and I can’t say it the organization itself is wrong. I do not agree with some of the leadership who have made their own rules that are, in my perception, in direct opposition with the 10 principles we opt in with when joining this THING.
I left Vegas feeling a lot of resentment to that community as a whole. While many showed support in private more cowed to hang out with the popular kids and rush to become part to the click and get the nice pat on the head. In the end the shunning and the lies generated by this were never really addressed to my knowledge, just quietly swept under the rug. I was sad beyond words to leave so crushed under the wheels of some people and not have my pleas – real pleas for help answered.
Side Note: I was maligned so heavily through that conflict and harassed on a level you could hardly imagine. Some person posing under a pseudonym Jill Gee was posting that I was mentally ill, that I sold drugs, sent email to my mom and other people I know making all kinds of claims. She was using ip masking and it is curious that the person who I suspect was making those posts was taught ip masking by one of the people who were caught up in all this fallout too.
1964
I have shared a lot on this thing. This is my personal journal. I have also sorta faded from posting as often as I have because it feels like writing here results in more negative drama than I would like. I am trying to focus more on positive things.
Right now my stress levels (as mentioned multiple times already) are through the roof! I need to find a job. I need to find grounding. I need to find myself again because I have tried wearing so many hats that none of them fit anymore. Going to school for 2 careers only led to confusion. Trying to please other people has led to disaster. Looking for greener grass has led to anxiety. Past regrets and mistakes have become this creature always at my back scratching me and cutting me.
I’ve known I had a problem with anxiety that went back to 1996. I can almost give you the date when something inside of me cracked and the fissure kept growing for a long time. I had a lot of things to help me hold it together, mostly my optimistic youth and a lot of friends I loved and counted on. But something happen when those things broke too.
My interpersonal relationships are hard to maintain and I feel like my connections to people are lost in something related to this feeling of Chaos I bring with me all the time. It is this perception that I somehow instinctively see the cracks in people and examine them to death and sometimes bring it to the attention of that person thus bringing that chaos into their world.
In 2009 I lost a good job to this issue and I went to see a doctor eventually and was given a medication to help with it. It has been a great equalizer and over time the medication has evolved but the anxiety has too. It has become much worse and came with depression that occasionally put me in a hole from time to time.
I am dealing with this mental illness and I have never said anything about it before in the blogs posted here. It is anxiety and depression and I am dealing with it. It has made some of the irrational decisions I have made, bad choices, and kept me from finding comfort in my own skin. My weight issues have been holding me back and my age are all feeling like bricks on my shoulders.
No one is out there who can help me and I try to help myself. That whole Burning Man principle Radical Self Reliance has been my credo and I refuse to need anyone to exist. I rely on someone and I can bet that person will let me down anyway.
I am writing this posting to talk about this subject here for the first time. It was years ago someone told me they were impressed with how much I put out there and how honest I am. I have been lying to anyone except family who has been reading this because you don’t know what is going on.
- I suffer from severe anxiety; to the point where it is literally debilitating and cause me to freeze up, lock down and shut off more than panic attacks. I have been in treatment with a doctor for more than a year and a half.
- I suffer from severe depression where I sometimes drop into a hole and can’t see out.
- I take a mild medication to keep it under control; Wellbutrin and Clonapan.
When someone recently made a lot of angry posts publicly claiming I was mentally ill it hurt pretty deep. There was truth in it, but this is a world where using those words is a condemning as telling someone you are a felon or a child molester. There is this shroud that because you have issues that you have chosen to deal with that it is your fault.
I am a good guy. I have a good heart. I have courage and I have character. I am brave and I believe in justice. Your baggage cannot be my baggage and visa versa.
All around me are…
In my life there are certain energies that I think I have exuded. No matter where I move in the world and no matter what changes I make in life there are constants. I am certainly NOT saying there is anything special about me, but over the many years of my existence:
when I come into a person’s life or when I have become a part of an organization I feel like I bring chaos; let’s define chaos. My presence seems to force change and I think that is an energy I bring. Sometimes it is good, a few times it goes the other way.- there are a lot of people I meet and realize they are vampires. Time vampires… energy vampires… and none of them really stay around very long or I keep them a safe distance away. (I know someone is going to project this statement on themselves, but let me assure you these people are NOT reading this page. It would require them to invest and not just suck away.)
There is more and somewhere along the way I learned to cow to other people and become gum on the bottom of people’s shoes while any attempt to stand up for myself or for someone else has left me feeling like the asshole. I am so fucking over feeling like roadkill in life.
In the last couple years I have fallen down so often while trying to fix myself that I have lost who I am entirely.
I went to school to learn how to cook and I went to school to improve what I can do with design, web and art and I am not doing any of them with any great success. In fact choosing a couple of careers has left me with none in the end.
Take a job in a field you like doing as a hobby and you will see resentment for that hobby unless it is a passion that has a return. Unless you are successful then, like me, you end up feeling kicked – down – and that all that money for school was a waste. I left the Art Institute of Las Vegas without skills I needed to find work. I was shuffled through classes and passed without the basic knowledge needed just to move me and other on.
I know I have a responsibility myself as a student, but all along I thought I was leaving with what I needed and that magical B.S. degree would lead to great things…. absolute horse shit.
That’s another consistency in my life – delusion. If it is not the case of the ‘grass is greener’ then I also always fall for glitter being thrown in my eyes.
- glitter includes when I left the Air Force and was promised that people would want to hire a veteran … like it was some red carpet to success … meanwhile I hear that they don;t want vets because they are too rigid
- glitter includes going to college and getting a degree in a field and thinking there was work afterward…
All BULLSHIT. All of it BULLSHIT… BULL – FUCKING – SHIT ….
…so there ya go.
Hippieville
Well, I have arrived in San Francisco and settled in. It was a slightly bouncy landing and more expensive than I expected. I was not very happy about the expenses… $135. for a tank of gas and that bitch needed to be filled 3x. I had to borrow the money which I did not have.
So, I took some pictures of the trip in and some of the property where I am living. It is a decommissioned Nave Base and it still looks like a base. I love it… I miss those days. There is a lot of hood-rats running around here but the place is clean and nice.
Did I mention I live in the middle of the bay on an island. Yes, it is called Treasure Island and it sit between Oakland and San Francisco connected by the Bay Bridge.
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Personally Speaking
Coming here and seeing Mark again was nice. I have not seen him in more than a year. It’s been good seeing him again and getting aquainted, but he is a party animal and I cannot keep up with that boy. We met up Friday and Sunday and went out and decided I was done for a little while anyway.
The household itself is a strange mix and we all have some interesting things in common. Some things I just can’t put into writing on this site, but at the same time I hate editing myself. This just proves to certain assholes out there that I do have an edit button.
Moving Day
Today is officially the first day of moving. That is the act of getting rid of, packing, sorting and eventually trashing a lot of what I have been carrying around with me. It’s an exhausting process and I have so much to do still.
However, the process began within the last month with searching for a place to live, planning finances, and getting rid of my truck. It’s all been working out reasonably well and it has taken it’s toll on some levels. A toll on my psyche, my physical self and more.
So as I look around panicking about the what what I am taking inventory and realizing there is a HELL OF A LOT OF STUFF here from when Adolfo and I were together and I am slowly melting those things away. His ghost still haunts me and I suppose it is time to finally purge the last remnants of us as it were. I have been thinking about him a lot too, not sure what to think about that.
ANY-way… I’m tied and could use a nap before continuing on. I have a lot to do still.
God’s Test #3042
GOD’S TEST OF MY PATIENCE #3042: So, I am walking into the parking garage of my contract gig this morning and it is on a side street off E. Sahara and she tells me she is looking for 1800 E. Sahara.
I point out she is only on the 1000 block and needs to go up the street. She points out the the KFC around the corner is 2400 and cocks her head in confusion.
I point out that the KFC is on Maryland Parkway CLEARLY on another street altogether when a light finally comes on. Mind you, if you know me, I was looking at her like she was a complete (not partial) idiot.
Good morning – Friday.
Good Morning
This day has started off very weird and I am not liking the energy in the air. I am sitting at work feeling really uncomfortable and feel a lot of anxiety building up which is just not good.
Everything happened just fine at home this morning…
- got to the 2nd bus and the driver waited til I got to the door and pulled up about 10 feet and stopped; went to door again and he rolled forward again. WTF??? Doors opened and he let me on spouting some bullshit about whatever… douche
- got to where work was way too early so stopped in Jack In The Box near office to sit down and have a little knosh while waiting to go; order burned once and dopey cook kept getting confused.
- got to work… no coffee. No coffee… WFX2
- went to bathroom, to t.p. or hand towels
So, I know I am supposed to be really busy today and I am still waiting for the guy to show up I am supposed to get my project from. He is always late… but a nice guy. I wonder how many more days I will be working here? This is supposed t be a short term project/contract. I hope I am done soon… maybe next week. No one seems to know.
C’est le Vie!
Car Gone – New(*) Bike
Well the truck is now gone and I am still working in vegas, but now I seem to be working a lot and actually making money. Quandary ..*
I am riding this wave and trying to get my living situation settled as soon as I figure out where I will be living in less than 2 weeks time. This new job I picked up came through some people I worked for once in the past. The thing is I was feeling like giving up on web design altogether.
This industry sucks razor balls! The tech has changed so much since I started doing this and the demand for all kinds of features… add that clients are cheap and stupid about the work that goes into this… and it is enough to just want to give up. I feel like I am in a sand pit with this career field and so do most people I know that are in it.
Anyway, when I look ahead to the future I feel there are new roads for me. There is also a chance to go back and do things I was successful at. If I move to San Francisco I will go there with an intention to reshape my future and let my past stay in my past.
New Transportation
I have had it with the truck that Drive Time sold me and just can’t afford to maintain something that keeps breaking down. Plus, by moving to San Francisco I can live without a vehicle and by buying a bike I can manage getting around on a whole other level.
I did buy a bike that had some character in it. It is a Tyler Beach Cruiser. It looked older and had a lot of character so it was worth buy for that alone. I imagine it had a lot of miles on that bad boy.
Interesting huh? Well, I tried it out and it works nicely so let’s see what happens. At least I have something to start off with and it is interesting.
Tyler Bikes: “Tyler bikes were imported from Poland in the early 1960’s and disappeared in the early 1970’s.”
It’s probably lead paint and transmitting to the Kremlin secretly while it sits here in my living room.
Is it June yet?
Well, I got a call Wednesday to go and interview at a local web company and I went and they pulled me in on the spot. No doubt because a friend of mine works there and we worked together really well last year. It’s full time work for as long as it lasts. I was told 2 to 3 weeks and I will ride it out and then get the hell out of town.
I also screwed because I am without a home in 2 weeks and have to be somewhere…. I certainly cannot rely on anyone in Vegas for housing and it’s not like I have a lot of options. But, there is always an option. I came up with a plan A:
Plan A: Get a room at the Siegel Suites and pay weekly for a seedy shithole while I put my stuff in storage. I figure I can rent a van and get moved up to SFO then.
Thank goodness I will have generated some decent cash from this gig. I hope these guys get the sense I can do this job and let me hang and pile up a little cash. I am still giving up my car which is having mechanical problems anyways. It keeps staling out on me in busy intersections and streets. …ugh… how awful.
No matter what I should be leaving Vegas by mid June at the latest. I am just done with this city and I need to move on. It was decent while it lasted my loves.