Author Archive: scott.kay

Diarrhea of the Mouth

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It does not help to put a title in this blog before I start typing because invariably I go in a whole other direction. I am writing right now because I am thinking that the blogs have been a good outlet that I have neglected.
Every day goes by way too fast and I start working on something, look up and then realize most of the day has gone by. Too many projects. Too many balls in the air… no money coming in. I am so over it.
I want to work and I want to do great and wonderful things but I am stuck in a bottle with a cork in the top. I do not know how to break free … well, I think I know but can’t launch.
As some of you know I have severe anxiety and sometimes leaving the house is a challenge. Sometimes finally getting out of the house is a relief. I do manage to find open jobs and get applications out there but it’s like fishing in the Dead Sea.
My choices suck. I could fuck up anything. I wish I could just drop off the planet… I wish I could just fins something left in this life worth living for. I do find the occasional rainbow, but it’s hard when you keep falling into holes.
No, just venting. Got to be more honest on this blog and let go. No one really reads this and if they did no one really says anything about it. Better that way, but can’t say I would not mind knowing. And don;t fucking patronize me or hand me any fucking bullshit… so tired of people spoon feeding me fucking bullshit.

Frustrated with Bullshit

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The month is coming to an end and with it the complete lack of faith that the universe and I are going to come to terms with my employment. I am clawing at air trying to find something to feel like I have a purpose.
As much involved with the Burning Man stuff as I have been in, I am seeing it all really as a meaningless ‘thing’ anymore. Somewhere what was something pretty cool got lost and became lollipalooza. There may not be a ‘Coca Cola’ logo on the road into Black Rock City but there might as well be.
At it’s core there is cancer. But the elite that it caters too, for the most part, cannot see the forest for the trees. The leaves of these trees are money and shiney golden tickets.
The ticket fiasco this year was just another coffin nail, but it’s not there for me to say or to pound it in.
I have had tremendous highs in this world and have experienced the lowest lows,  but I sit here ready to walk away from all the work I have done in frustration. To see people like distant family members with all the cool toys and someone like me always looking in from the outside.
Some advice was to stay out of the BMHQ nest of vipers and it appears it is advice to be heard.

A New World

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I have a ton of shit to do. Writing in my blogs is something I do not have time to do… but this makes two today. I just posted over in gay-burners.com as well tonight.
Bottom line… I cannot afford to live where I am living but I am gunna have to make it happen. The pluses outweigh the minuses and can lead to something very powerful I hope. Self empowering really.
Being on my own and away from certain people is a relief. Mark was just too much to deal with and this whole bi-polar thing was more than any human should have to deal with. Get medicated, bitch! Oh wait, he was and it was not enough. He was just mean.
Now, people are looking at me more often. I mean not only like I am attractive, but also making eye contact???
Well, this always happens when I am dating someone too. Maybe I look a lot less desperate or something??? I am told I look a little too eager at times. I dunno…no one was ever really good enough anyway.
I like it here. I feel good here. This is where I need to be right now. I was wondering about that when I was out of town last week.

vBlog: Back in San Francisco

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Well, I am back in San Francisco and am treading water. I feel different being here again. I feel like I belong here right now… not sure how long that will last but I can still hold on to hope.

San Francisco … back!

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When things fell apart at my last place, I went to see my mom for a week while I regrouped. It was a good decision on some levels, but financially it sorta had me take a bullet.
The place I am staying at is more than I can technically afford at the moment but it means I have to hustle and get some money coming in like asap. Fortunately I have irons in the fire and with this new energy flow I hope to see some new prospects develop.
On my way to Tehachapi I had a few words with God… my guardian angel… any spirit around me pretending to be a force for my well being and renounced them all. I have just been shit on in the last couple years by forces I thought were supposed to be there for me and so I decided I was done.
I’m not an atheist now. I am more than an agnostic. I felt that “the universe” had my back but I am now the bush that the dog just sniffed and decided to leave it’s scent upon.
Fuckit… Fuckit all… I need to take a better grasp on my future and get me moving in the right direction irregardless of what I thin kGod or anything else thinks. Fuckit. Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit Fuckit …

… and all that.

Thinking of 2012

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Burning Man has still not announced the theme for 2012 and I think it is not a good ting. I think it sorta pee’s on the anticipation of the event because the theme is a source of inspiration for a lot of people. Rumors of the eventual demise of the Burning Man event are growing and it sucks. The shame really is the flow of frat boys and OC housewives making Burning Man part of their Bucket List and have no idea what they are involving themselves with.

Yes, Burning Man is an open and welcoming culture for people of all backgrounds. But not all people are of the same mindset in return. I met someone recently who had a near violent reaction when I tried explaining my position on the experience. I told her that I did not thing this was something for her and she exploded. So weird.

So in 2012 I am hoping to see my theme camp concept come to life and really blossom. Odd thing is a lot of people like my concept but are reluctant to really opt into it. It is Sun Guardians. I think it is a very special and amazing idea.

Alas with life and my balls in a vice like they are the longer things do not change the less likely I will be able to really carry out all the projects I want to take on – within the Burning Man culture and out.

I am writing today to make sure no one thinks I forgot to write or I forgot what was important. I have more balance in my support of this culture. I have wiped the glitter out of my eyes. No stars. No delusions.  Just a lot of hope.

Aftermath

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I have been at my moms since Tuesday and since becoming officially homeless in San Francisco. Nothing is carved in stone and life has to be a little fluid right now while I figure out exactly what is going to happen with me going forward.
My plan is to head back to San Fran on Saturday so I can return the rental car on Sunday and then make it to an interview on Tuesday for a job that might be really cool, but the problem is that it is not paying well. BUT! It is where I want to be right now and hope I don;t get over looked because of my age once again.
Why go back to San Francisco? It is hard living there. Everything is expensive and there is little actual sympathy from one human to another. People care more for strangers than … well, I can’t finish that statement. Between #Occupy people taking over apartment building for homeless people I stand around kind of stunned.
Why? Well, I see so so so many homeless people around the city and they all need. Some are completely out of their heads. I worry I will end up like them. Back to the point… they need money, food, housing… all of the things I need too. I am just lucky enough to be just above the line where I am in their shoes.
I would help them if I could. I sometimes feel I can’t help myself. That, or I just cannot get any traction.
In the way to my moms place I had a couple small break-downs. Not full mental melt-downs or anything like that, just a spiritual one way shouting match with God and this dumb-ass guardian angel that may or may not be around me for the fucked up support I have had. I did a lot of shouting up there and expressed my frustration.
There is this non-stop crapping on my head lately.
Poor me… yeah I know and I am not oblivious to the ways of self-reliance in the world. See the world through my eyes and understand that life has provided a lot of interesting emerging paths. Doors opened almost the moment when windows closed and visa versa; I felt charmed for a long time. What happens then one goes to that bank one too many times? Coins of chance turned in my favor more times than I could count and all of a sudden I started crapping out… a lot.
Maybe there are still some invisible chances coming my way or window yet unexplored? Always the optimist.
…but in this latest fall I might actually be starting to lose faith for the first time ever. I am now to the point where it does not matter of the glass is half full or half empty. I pushed it over and smashed the glass.
 
p.s. – my original plan with going back Saturday is not looking so good right now.

Stressed Out / Fried Out

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Mad Mad Mad MarkDays are ticking down to the point where I have to move out of my current situation and need to find a new one. The main reason for the shift was to get away from my current housemate, Mark. In that effort I led myself right off a cliff so far.
One of my biggest fears is to end up homeless. Technically I am ending up that way as of next week. I made an offer on one place… she wanted much for rent and the room was 1/3 of the room I am in now. A twin bed barely fits in it. So she has not accepted or declined. It’s in a pretty decent area but certainly nothing I would scream over.
Alas nothing else has prevailed. I am looking for work at the same time and doing both has me freaking exhausted. The last two days I have been running around checking out places and doing interviews. I came home both days exhausted.
I am supposed to be, right? If I don’t work for it what will it all mean? Well, this is a huge test.
I do not want to leave San Francisco. I have people here I really like. I am dating a guy who is pretty awesome, still. I have a life I like and I do not want to lose it. If I have to go I will do so sadly. I crashed and burned again…

What just happen????

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This is actually part 2 of a story… or shall I say the non-readers digest version. I posted a very clean version of this tale on www.gayburners.com choosing to leave off many of the details because it was just too bizarre.

Castro Street Fair

Distinguished Gay Men LogoIt all started at the Castro Street Fair when I was approached by two nice guys because I was a single guy. The told me about matchmaker wonder Susan Adams of www.distinguishedgaymen.com and how I absolutely had to meet her. Indeed, she was as charming and engaging as they described. So, after taking my name and number they said they would be in touch.
Cafe Flore at Noe and Market in SFOIt took a while, but Susan arrived in San Francisco again and was meeting with potential clients. We arranged a meeting at Cafe Flore right on the corner of Noe and Market here in the city. Something about Cafe Flore: It is in the gayest of areas in the city and is owned apparently by Burning Man people! If that is not cool enough, there is a MAN effigy on the roof of the place!

First and Only Meeting

We met and talked about a lot of things, because she was looking to be a match maker and find someone for me, or maybe me for someone?
I tried laying it all out on the table and explain why dating has been such a bitch since Adolfo and I broke up and went in separate directions. I was honest that I felt he was my last soul-mate. I described how dissatisfied I was with meeting guys because they never mentioned they were in relationships already until I thought we were starting to make a connection.
When the subject got into my Burning Man activities things started getting very slipery.

“She told me she was planning on going to Burning Man next year in our discussion over coffee. We were meeting in a local cafe called “Cafe Flore” that has a Burning Man    Man on the roof and is owned by Burners. We were meeting because she was going to provide me a service and was interviewing me for this service… but she kept going back to ‘why‘ is Burning Man in your life beyond some festival that happens 7 days a year?

“When I tried explaining that the 10 Principles include things like radical self reliance, radical self expression, community involvement, etc… I explained these were things that were are not the 10 Commandments.  But she countered:

‘Why wouldn’t a normal person just do the right thing? Why is Burning Man in your life beyond some festival that happens 7 days a year?’

“Not everyone just does the right things and we are looking this as guidelines for a community. It’s a culture. It’s an ideal.

Part of Burning Man for me is the nearly unquestionable inclusion and acceptance in the local and major events. Those 10 Principles referred to here and there in the original story are guidelines people opting into the culture generally adapt and apply in daily life.
I also talked about the Radical Faeries and how I am enjoying my engagement with them?

“What is it about these people you find attractive?” she asked [paraphrased]

“From what I have seen the Radical Faeries are about gay people being as expressive and as real as they want without being burdened by the condemning eye of people who cannot understand… I love the ability to just put it out there.”

Keep in mind she started off telling me how much she wanted to go to Burning Man. If you know me I am the cheerleader on crack kool-aide drinkin’ cartwheelin’ Burning Man believer… all hale Larry!

“In the course of our conversation and how she kept referring to it being just a 7 day event that begins and ends and then, as she said, ‘people return to their normal lives’ I gave her a suggestion. I said, in the nicest way possible, cushioning it and told her: Maybe Burning Man is really not for you.”

Conclusion
There is no way I could afford paying her for this service. Maybe at this point she caught up with the calculation and she decided she could not invest in what I was bringing to the table. Or… perhaps my suggestion that she pass on Burning Man was insulting?
It was this bi-polar moment when we were having an engaging conversation, she was showing me pictures of her in the 80’s as a match-maker, and asking all kinds of personal questions. I answered them all but we stalled cold.
Susan shut down faster then a vampire at sunrise and closed the folder, shook my hand wishing me good luck, and stomped away. I saw literally sitting there for at least 5 minutes trying to figure out what just happen.

WHAT JUST HAPPEN????

I sat there dazed and Susan walked through the restaurant and came out the other side then walked right past me in a daze? I have to wonder if she had a stroke or something happen to cause such a bizarre shift in mood. Needless to say I will not be a part of www.distinguishedgaymen.com and my application is: DENIED!

Memories Love Lost

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Today I had some thoughts left over from yesterday. Well, after a restless night last night I woke up feeling kinda crappy. Once in a while I have dreams through the night that only set me up full of anxiety when I rise and this was one of those days.
A dream I had … what I remember of it … I made dinner for people that included what I recall was a pot roast with brown gravy and root vegetables. I added bourbon to the gravy and it made this woman (who looked like Fifine Brightman) and the other guests so excited. For some reason I remember all the guests being black people.
I digress here as last night I was working on my Sun Guardians site and noticed this guy Joel Wang was someone I thought was so sweet and wonderful. I never met him except through Facebook; but one night at a Comfort and Joy party called Afterglow I finally got to meet him. Well, every day on Facebook I see us tethered in some way through a mutual connection or even a Poke I never got rid of. He died, for me which was suddenly, not very long ago. Maybe it’s been a month maybe more.
Last night I just passed through his profile looking at pictures and remembering the wonderful things he said to me over the last…. I don’t know how long.
Furthermore, it got me thinking about how many people I have lost so far in life. Almost all due to HIV/AIDS and this includes 2 people I was very much in love with. Ron Herrera was my BF in 1992ish and we were together a while but I broke it off for stupid reasons… then he met this guy named Peter and next thing I knew they were both dead.
As for the second person, he is still alive, but I lost him long before the diagnosis. When his mom died he turned to stone a bit and my flakiness did not help the situation much. Yeah I was a douche. I openly admit it.
Yet the list goes on and on. Almost every friend  of mine who became HIV+ became this mean, self-involved, self-loathing, angry person and basically shoved people away who wanted to care and be supportive – loving – and helpful. This includes the douche I live with… talk about universal payback.
I sat downstairs this morning and all I could do was cry at what I appreciated from Joel. I felt overwhelming grief for those two men whom I loved unlike any other and probably like anyone in the future. These were all funerals I never got to attend. I get to grieve only in my heart.
In loving memory:

  • Ron Herrera
  • Irwin Bajadas
  • Scott Foster
  • Taylor
  • Eloy
  • Joel Wang

Just the names I think about a lot… for some they passed so long ago. It never feels good.