As usual it is a year and a day since I made my last entry so much has happened and I forget about this thing. This blog. I used to be so good at keeping it updated.
I had an honest to goodness acid trip at a new Beltane and in the same week I went through a lot of emotional shit.
Tom the dog is having surgery on Friday and I can’t be there. I’ve had to face so much recently. Facing the mirror sucks especially when you hate what is looking back.
Drama and bullshit everywhere. I’ll try and write more soon. Sigh….
Author Archive: scott.kay
Yeah I know… been a while
I have not written here in a while for reasons I cannot say. I know I was turned off when I discovered someone was reading these things and writing me and empathizing with all my entries.
I was also turned off because it seemed all I was writing lately was anything negative. Feeling sorry for myself for the longest time.
Thankfully I have been doing a lot of reflecting and will hopefully start making the appropriate changes.
Thanks for listening… reading… yeah
Burning Man Out
I have seen it in other people and I see people bounce back from it with a variety of results. I think I am feeling really done in by this thing and I am struggling to get a grip on it. I struggled to be part of the Burning Man community as a leader/do’er/or anything meaningful because I really immersed myself.
When I joined the Burning Man community in 2008 I come in through the Las Vegas Burner community and became integrated and began participating from day #1. Captain Bill put me in charge of some drunk idiot and I made sure he stayed out of trouble for the night.
His wife (Captain Bill’s) Amber gave me my playa name; Toaster. I think it happened a short while after my arrival as part of their decompression (or something like that) which was a launching platform into a new life for me.
I found spirit and rejuvenation for the first couple years, but as politics and hypocrisy began rooting deep into what I thought were good things all I could see was a cancer growing out of control.
One of the owners of burning man once told me I was a “burr under her saddle” and she padded it to imply there was a good and bad side to that. I called out shitty behavior that I saw happening and in the end it just buried me.
I left Vegas partially because of the drama and craziness of people who were supposed to be leaders in this community.
It’s so much about the drugs and sex and it is not the hippie love fest people think it is. There is homophobia, sexual assault, and practically condoned alcohol and drug abuse rampant out there; at the BRC or in the community. I am not innocent about these things, but I think I have gone as far as I can.
I have huge projects that need to be given to someone who cares, but the level of ambivalence and narcissism with leaders and community members is deafening. They say it is like herding cats. I say it is playing dodge-ball with 50,000 Hellen Kellers.
So, I am seriously considering bowing out entirely and with that clsing this chapter of my life. Not sure it is for me anymore.
Happy New Year
C Monster and I decided to play through the new year separately because I wanted to ‘party’ while he was choosing to remain sober after a drunken disaster my birthday turned into. It was a great birthday on Saturday night but it did not finish well.
I spent Sunday moping about with my hoodie on and watching, what is my latest fascination, “The United States of Tara”. I absolutely love the show and relate all too well to the family discourse. But, I am absolutely smitten by the charming anchor to the show – the son Marshall discovering himself as a gay teen. Omg he is adorable and it is cool watching this character develop.
Anyway, no it is not a pervert POV just fascinated and jealous about what it is / was to be that age.
Anyway, been a really hard end of the year emotionally. It was a good year. I am so afraid of getting old. I am so fucked up and I do some stupid fucked up things.
However, in about a week will mark 1 year with C Monster. I am not allowed to use his real name or image, but occasionally he gives me permission. I love him – faults and all – but I am more fragile than I want… whatever.
I gotta get rid of this hangover.
SantaCon SF on Saturday
Well, finally hit SantaCon in SF this weekend and went with C Monster. He actually dressed up in costume and went outside…. wow.
While the day may not have gone as smoothly and joyous as anticipated I feel like I had a good day. Unfortunately this was a weekend of too much ‘holiday cheer’ from a bottle and it effected us a lot.
I went to Satunalia on my own last night and C Monster went out on his own. Doing things on our own is good, but one has to be careful not to take it too far. I have not been able to reach him since last night. #worried
Saturnalia
So tonight I went to Saturnalia: Unbound Celebration! and as per usual the Faeboy Clan and the Comfort & Joy people created something so huge and so full of energy I left feeling that the scope of which was … stunning. So what the fuck was it about????
From Wikipedia with all their links: “Saturnalia was an ancient Roman festival in honour of the deity Saturn held on December 17 of the Julian calendar and later expanded with festivities through December 23. The holiday was celebrated with a sacrifice at the Temple of Saturn in the Roman Forum and a public banquet, followed by private gift-giving, continual partying, and a carnival atmosphere that overturned Roman social norms: gambling was permitted, and masters provided table service for their slaves.[1] The poet Catullus called it “the best of days.”[2] “
I went anticipating a evening of seeing people I cared about but I brought gifts of various kinds and gave of them openly who were open for it; or could accept them over duties needing to be performed.
I did shed any expectation of sexual gratification while that part seemed to be a part of the ancient rite while I went seeking connections. Now the connections I made were strong and with the help of some friendly fungus my metaphysical energies were really working at their highest levels.
I was literally shaking the first couple hours walking around or sitting with small groups not knowing what was going to happen or where the journey would let me off. I was in a roller coaster for the night and as I type this I am not entirely sure I am off of it.
Astrologically I am a a Capricorn male with a Chinesesign of Wood Dragon; my moon sign is apparently in Gemini and yes I believe in all that stuff.
I sat in the giant hot tub and realized the thing was a conduit; the water was anyway. I found out of 6 people 2, 3 or 4 were sparking in the dusk in my vision and there was nothing I could do to stop it. While I acknowledged some of the more powerful energies present I was stunned how many of them were what I identified as females.
One had a heart light that was blinding and though she was a beautiful, naked african american woman in the jacuzzi I could barely see her features for that heart light that grew so bright; Sarah.
Another was named Loki and when I reached out to talk to her she told me she did not self identify as female and I apologized for my assumption, but a female emanation could have come from the physical perception more than the sould revealed. However, I sensed there was something about her meeting Scratch that seemed more important.
See, Scratch pulled me out of a whole earlier that night with a powerful purpose of his own; he camptured all my energy that was shooting out all over and grounded me like a live wire. I would have had to leave much earlier of not.
Thank you Scratch!!
SO i folded myself back into the seen with a mixture of people connected to the event on a spiritual level, base sexual level and others who were completely clueless beyond the buffet. As is always in a radical inclusion style event, different people add to the salad.
I did try the jacuzzi again and found myself a victim in the water. Water is a powerful conduit and the shock of being so completely open drained me quickly. I dared not seek out Scratch again for his mastery for fear of abusing that gift. So I decided to leave with so much to be grateful for.
Sucks balls that I fell down the marble steps from the front of the house into the sidewalk on my way. Still very sore. But, I did have a LOT of the fungus in my head as well as the vodka… yeah, can work work together. I ventured alone in a direction I thought was home and eventually made it there.
Along the way there were so many souls and by then I was like a spent battery. I described my time to Bruce as being “obliterated” like at some point I was a mass of ions floating through the air drained of matter from the event. It was not until a solid meditation when I got home that I realized how supercharged I really was.
What does this mean for me? Where with my relationships go from here?
I opened myself up to a lot of people who at least acted like they understood the magic around us and ‘should’ appreciate the magnitude of what a great event does when it speaks to the right people.
About a year ago Wingheart talked about Queer Magic in gay men and I pointedly said not everyone had magic. While I still stand by that which he rejected truth is some my not have found their light yet? There were people there with light both bright and sometimes unfulfilled. Some were dark as shadows on a desert playa like ghosts. But I will say tonight I was blessed by many.
I did … miss my bf a lot and felt his absence deeply while knowing he would never have understood that night.
Beach Day with “C Monster”
First of all, “C Monster” is my new secret name for my bf C. He seems to have an aversion to being put on anything I publish on the web. He is smarter than I am sometimes.
Beach Day
We were supposed to go to what might have been close to a rave today on the beach that turned out be suck balls. BUT, the group of us that car-pooled out there ended up making the best out of it possible.
We had fun and we just enjoyed the day out. Just glad for it.
just gotta write something
I tend to let this thing slide because I am going in too many directions at a time and just need to let people – who give a shit – I am still alive. And I am!
Yes, still with “C” and we are fast approaching year 1 together and this is my best relationship ever. We have had some shit-storms but what relationship hasn’t.
Still working and details on that are at www.RedCarte.com where I have managed to create more posts than here recently. At least there you can see pictures of the stuff I made.
The first holiday of the season was a ship-wreck (Thanksgiving), but more details on that soon too. I need to update this fucking page.
I have found a new sickness… called Tumblr. But I might add something tonight that will feed into this site, too. Mucho naked boys that make me 8===O boink! Talk soon!
Repost from: Queer Burners Trip Report
While this site continues to be a launching platform for Queer and Queer Adjacent members of the Burner Culture it also has an intent to keep the 10 Principles alive in our day to day living. Whether you also include the 10 commandments, Buddhist beliefs, Kaballah, Torah, or whatever the 10 Principles are merely ideas for community living.
The following is a different kind of trip report and talks about a lot of things. There are criticism but there is also a lot of appreciation for a lot of work people did to achieve something amazing. This is a single person’s point of view and you are encouraged to add comments or write your own trip report with all your exciting stories.
Burning Man (Fertility 2.0)
The theme itself, this year, left us somewhat perplexed at first trying to figure our how the LGBTQ++ community fit into it. We did studies, videos, testimonies and in the end there was very little of the theme in the scope of the event n the delivery. It came across a little 2d unlike recent years like “Rites of Passage” and “Evolution” that had an umbrella of possibilities and translations to art and culture that were represented on the playa.
Keep in mind that there was …WAS an estimation of 70% of ticket sales went to people with no previous affiliation with Burning Man either in theory or pARTticipation who – in all likelihood – did not know how to bring it. Many probably learned while it seemed that many fled early from the event. Fled? Yes, wicked dust storms scared off the less sturdy and left us with a max attendance at one point of 52,000 or so people; less than last year and way short of the 60,000 tickets actually sold.
Bottom line, there was a great deal of success to the event because as the vacationers fled the play ground became a lot more burner-centric; which means experienced burners slowly became a majority again. This also includes de-burgined newbies that embraced the scope of Burning Man principles and will be coming back. Joy.
Nomenclature
This year we had a very strong Gayborhood thanks to the placement team at Burning Man HQ and (finally) someone listening to some LGBTQ++ concerns with the influx of new people that might further inflame some homophobic issues in the past. So far there has been no direct reports of those problems but we will be seeking feedback from the community moving forward.
The Gayborhood basically started around 7:00 and E in the city stretching back to approximately 7:30 and F; not to exclude anyone just outside that zone. Some of us started calling the surrounding area the Gayburbs. Camps in the Gayborhood included:
- Comfort & Joy
- Camp Beaverton
- Gender Blender
- Camp Montage
- Celestial Bodies
- Dusthaven
- AstroPups
- Camp Crack Whore
- Camp Stella
- Glamcocks
- Quixote
- Camp Blo Pop
- Down Low Club
- Poly Asylum
The Gayburbs on the other hand was a little more spread out. This might be a new term coined this year, or recycled, who knows. But there were an awful lot of Queer Pride Rainbow flags out there flying. Some had the word PACE on them which is the Italian word for Peace. Some of those camps included:
- Motel Paradise
- Tiny’s Lounge
- Yes, Please
- Vietnamese Coffee Camp
- Camp Conception
- Area 69
- Run Free Camp
- Camp Homoerectus
Wait? Is that all? No… there were a lot of camps, either overt or not, that surrounded the area who were self identified queer camps or queer-adjacent.
Gayburbia was a term that we came to agree to call the far off smaller circle of gay camps on the other side of the city that 2 years ago was coined the Gay Ghetto. The fine folks at the center of that area over near 4:00 and J was Burner Buddies. These were smaller, more clustered groups who camped close to each other for “safety” purposes. That was the exact word used. Queer camps that could look out for each other through the event.
Placement
Huge thanks to Placement for their continued follow up, interaction and support to the queer and queer friendly camps at Burning Man. Rev. Bloodshot was the star player in the placement team who was extremely active in making sure there was support and security included in the placement of the Gayborhood.
The outstanding work and follow up by this team was a topic of discussion among the Queer Burner Leaders and generally agreed that they deserve huge levels of appreciation.
Processes
Without a doubt getting in and getting out of Burning Man was a win-win. A one to three hour max Exodus has not been experienced in nearly a decade and talk about a finely executed ballet. I was traveling with Foxy (Mayor of Camp Beaverton) and we both anticipated a 6 to 8 hour wait along with our newbie Uniboob (just kidding Sarah) and were braced for the long wait and we rolled right out without a single pause or surge.
Streets: Traversing the city, though huge, was very well laid out as usual though the roads were in BAAAAD shape by Friday. The ruts were deep and teeth chattering on most bikes and some art cars.
Toilets: maintained remarkably well and occasionally decorated and left smelling of lavender by wonderful fellow burners.
Center Camp: The strongest and best year of my experience, plus a great haven from the dust.
Law Enforcement
In 2011 with an increase in population there was an increase in Law Enforcement (aka L.E.). With the addition of 10,000 tickets sold for a sold out venue you better believe there was even more police presence out there. If you were paying attention, there ‘seemed‘ to be a lot of police activity. Specifically, they appeared to be searching for illegal substances.
Camp Poly Asylum was raided by police and dogs and apparently little was found. Was this harassment or was this an honest attempt to discover behavior that endangered the camp as a whole?
One member of my camp was stopped at the front gate and was subjected to a dog search of his car even though he has nothing to do with drugs.
However!!!! (Taken right from Burners.Me)
For an event with a peak attendance of 52,385, attended by eagle-eyed Law Enforcement Officers by the hundreds, Burners did incredibly well at keeping the peace, staying out of trouble, and obeying the law.
According to the Associated Press, this year’s scorecard was:
- 22 Arrests
- 230 Citations for drug and other violations
- 441 verbal warnings for everything from speeding to washing their hands and dishes on the playa
Well done Burners – except for 22 of you – and well done LEOs.
In comparison to previous years, there were more arrests but fewer citations. Here’s some recent statistics regarding arrests and citations at Burning Man 2010 and 2009.
2010- 293 citations; 8 arrests
2009- 287 citations; 9 arrests
I found one site on the Internet claiming that in 2011 is that there were 4 arrests for battery. However this site says:
2011 – 42 citations; 3 arrests – this might only be the BLM though and not include County cops
(end – Burners.Me repost: it was too good not to share. There is more if you will to follow the link in the header of this section.)
Who’s Who
Before the last 10,000 tickets went on sale there was a projection that about 70% of the people attending this year would be people who have never been experienced to Burning Man or it’s culture; 10 Principles and more. Even with the additional 10,000 tickets the event became sold out. Yes – selling out for the 2nd year in a row.
Who actually attended this event that resulted in 52,000 attendees which is way short of the 60,000 tickets sold? It should also be noted that a lot of those bucket list burners could not take the extreme conditions of the dust and wind and went home with their tails tucked.
- 40% returning and contributing Burners
- 20% ravers and crackheads looking to party
- 25% circuit queens
- 15% posers / tourists / people abducted
*strictly subjective
The above is all in good fun. It is as accurate as what the Huffington Post published last year from Oscar Remundo’s popular blog.
Enculration: Did it work?
Many camps had processes in place to make sure Burgins staying with them were enlightened with an understanding of the 10 Principles and how they applied to their stay at Burning Man and their camp. Among the toughest to make this culture work for their newbies was Comfort & Joy, Camp Beaverton and AstroPups.
MOOP: There was still a lot of MOOP (Matter Out Of Place) out there; basically littering. However, it seemed that there was generally less crap blowing around this year than I saw last year.
pARTticipation: There was the usual great participation out there that makes the city what it is. It did seem, from personal observation, that there was a little more active recruiting to help out between experienced burners.
Art: There was a notable lack of creativity on the playa save the amazing CORE projects out there on some level. While a few pieces really stood out: (note: this is a personal observation)
- Shipwreck w/ The Pier
- Mumuration (Queer Project)
- Aztec Calendar
- …and the new Orbitron*
*from the people who brought you Cubitron in previous years.
Theme Camps
New standards were breached on amazing camps! There was some definitely excellent work that went into many of them. Although we are a world of radical inclusion, non-judgyness,some should genuinely be rewarded for their amazing work:
Most Welcoming Ambiance
- Comfort & Joy
- Beaverton/Gender Blender
- AstroPups
- Celestial Bodies
Best Construction
- Comfort & Joy
- Glamcocks
- BaalMart
- Celestial Bodies
- Motel Paradise
Most Chillin at Home Vibe
- Yes,Please
- Camp Conception
Best Entertainment
- Comfort & Joy: Friday’s Full Moon & AfterGlow Party
- Burner Buddies: post Gay Pride celebration
- Camp Conception: Thursday’s Dance party with DJ Dan
- AstroPups: Wednesday Night feat. Rocket Collective
- Down Low Club: Monday Official Meet & Greet
- Celestial Bodies… every night
Radical Inclusion and Intimidation
One of the best camps for creating a welcome atmosphere, certainly the most successful depending on your point of view, has been Comfort & Joy. I witnessed people from all corners come into their camp and structures because they provide such a secure and safe space.
This could be said very much the same for a camp like Celestial Bodies who attract a very eclectic crowd and have a loving and special atmosphere; AstroPups and Down Low Club were very open.
While some camps are not open to street traffic through the week it is usually relatively clear who those were. Camp Conception hosted an amazing party on Thursday night and were raffling off some amazing art pieces; but visiting the camp felt awkward.
Glamcocks had this amazing open structure, they hosted and published some top notch parties, but in my 3 visits there it never felt welcome. I observed a lot while visiting and it felt very cliquish.
PLEASE DO NOT BE OFFENDED… this is a perception and one held from a removed point of view. I have and had no agenda other than working on networking camps so be can be supportive with each other and develop a better leadership collective.
Flow is important for a camp setup and clear boundaries for what is welcome space versus private space. Nectar Village is very good at defining these boundaries. A host or an active engagement with people visiting the camp can mean a world of difference if you have the people in your camp that flower in this area.
On another note: I received an email from a recognizable member of our community who complained he went to one of the above mentioned camps and was ignored; C&J. Upon reflection I realized I feel the same in some camps, but it is up to me to engage people in order to socialize. This is radical Self-Reliance in motion.
A host can be a great tool, but sometimes you (the individual) have to make the first step. As much as one can feel like they are not welcome at a camp, the camp and the individual each have the power to embrace someone new into their world.
THE BURNING MAN EVENT
Finally, with all the blah blah blah above we get into talking about Burning Man (Fertility 2.0) 2012. As this trip report it concludes with a solid thumbs up. The Gayborhood was a huge success to itself, but it is one element of the whole city. The Gayborhood was really a village that was larger than any other with Comfort & Joy and Beverton/GB at the nucleus of it.
Although the art was not quite up to par as years before there were some memorable pieces that includes the Pier with Shipwreck and a queer project called Murmuration. Yet, the CORE project (all 34 of them) were the best ever seen before (it is only the 2nd year for CORE).
Socially, queer camps really brought it big time and in pockets and in the Gayborhood we had branches that constantly reached into the city and welcomed anyone and everyone to participate along with us including the Gay Pride parade and a Naked Pub Crawl; which totally rocked. OMG Duck Pond was a hoot with their giant slip ‘n Slide.
The vibe was very different and though it might have felt a little foreign at the beginning of the week it felt very familiar by the end. Huge thanks to Placement at BMorg and the Exodus team. No no no… the whole freaking outfit!!!! Recovering from the ticket explosion in January to such a successful finale was sheer brilliance.
[source: QueerBurners.Com]
Some words
I don’t feel like I get very many good pics of me.But then again, I am feeling a little deflated because I have not been able to go to the gym or even take care of much during the week. I need to get my ass to the doctor about this whip-lash.
Yes, the emergency room doctor said I had whip lash. After the accident I sat at my desk at home and could feel the muscles stiffening. I panicked and went to the doc. The vicatin has been a loser… so I tried going today but could not get out of work.
What’s with the picture up top? I like it… hides my muffin top… someone called me that at Burning Man this year. OMG I was so annoyed. But dammit… I am middle aged and look fucking hot. HA HA HA HA