Yep, I am back there again. Yep, really feeling like the world is slipping out from under my feet. As much as feel like I am struggling there is a conflict of reality basically telling me I am not good enough and a failure; it’s a familiar voice. I am drowning and I am a man of contingency, but dreams can not float on a vacuum.
So, the ghost of my biological father has been haunting me. Well, better to say my daddy-baggage. He is still alive and within the scope of these hard times I am feeling incredibly depressed. But then again, I have been over committing myself in the light of a heating up season for Burning Man.
Definitely it feels there has been a spirit hovering around me and I suspect at least one of them has been my Tom Dog. Not sure why he has been here, but I felt him really strong last night. Not that he is the only one buzzing around… I can’t seem to pinpoint who it might be though I have my suspicions.
yeah, I know it sounds crazy and I know it also sounds kind of stupid. All I can say is this is what I feel sometimes. My ghosty experiences in this city have been few and far apart.
Bottom line… I am seriously struggling and am just losing faith in myself. I hate my job situation. My career path is broken and overgrown with weeds. I need to change.
C Monster is the best thing I got right now.
Author Archive: scott.kay
Just When
Just when I thought I could get away from drama in my life (yeah right), the path is changed. I thought in my previous post that I would be 
settling with C Monster in for the long run and last night we concluded that chapter. Poetically speaking – on Valentines Day.
Things are so raw right now and the reasoning behind it is not within grasp. I made some huge mistakes and in spite of trying to back pedal on them I cast the what I did and this is where I am left.
I really loved him and I loved more that he loved me back. But this love had so many very deep flaws in it. It seems to have been clear since the beginning of the year that this was becoming forced and desperate.
Working it
Just thinking ahead for my plans this year. Although I find it hard to forge time for this blog/diary but it’s a matter of forging what is needed.
Deadline #1 is March 31st / April 1st where we need to decide where we are going. That means C Monster and me. Stay in San Francisco or move on? Stay together or move on? Career? Yes, time for change.
Deadline #2 is September 1st which is my new year anyway. But I will be back from Burning Man which should be my last.
So….those are too big ones. Goals on the other hand are different.
Goal #1 started in the first week of January getting some big bills repaired. This includes my student loans and taxes and so forth.
Goal #2 is taking shape. I owe a lot of people a lot of money and I simply cannot afford to pay people back. Holding me back partially is not being able to pay decent amounts. But…some thing is better than nothing right. So I started collecting mailing addresses and email to set up in my online bill pay.
Goal #3
Bill Collectors
My mom called to say a bill collector looking for me called my biological sister looking for me??? I have not talked or communicated with her in decades.
Insane. I have walked away from some pretty awful family. That is my sister and my father.
Step dad Bob was a better dad than mine ever was. Ugh. See previous posts #father.
Anyhoo. Happy Monday!
Maybe it should also be noted I have no idea what this bill collector could be calling about. Sigh.
So, not a lot pf feedback on my post earlier today. But, the idea that this might be considered a pit party irks the unholy shit out of my head. I got a couple of nice comments on my Facebook page but it is the ones I did not get that seem to bother me a little more.
Without going on and on I hope to change the tone of my posts. Seems I write more here when I want to make a hole in my head and let the drama leak out. Leak away, but turn into butterflies and fly away.
2014: Caravansary
yeah, it was like that
Meh… could be cool but I think a lot of people will basically not get it. Seems kind of on the same level as Evolution. It was a decent theme idea but not a lot of effort into making it really scream. There were a few Flinstone cars running around… a few Fred’s (Yabba Dabba Do) kind).
Time will tell. This is going to be my last year at Burning Man. As much as I love this world, there is sometimes a time to just move on.
(I found this pic on the internet… this guy in the image was aparently M.Obama’s hair stylist… good for him.)
What if…?
What if that last post was my last post ever? What legacy would that have left behind me? Weird enough that I thought about that.
The road less traveled is I
I am a miserable human being on this planet these days mired down in what I think is everyone’s expectations of me. Not exactly making a great proclamation right now. I have almost never been that person… I tried not being anyway. I have walked to my own beat and I am one of
Everyone has told me I look very unhappy in this picture. Maybe I am just in denial?
those people who has a whole theme song in my head when walking down the street.
Can’t say I was the kind of person to walk the path most taken, and with that I think I was happier. I have been really struggling here in San Francisco because since I have lived here I have tried to walk the line thinking it would take me somewhere. So far I cannot say this worked out all that well.
- Mom: wants me steady and in a career and a happy life
- C Monster: wants a normal relationship with monogamy
Where is this guy from about a year and a half previous? Lighter in weight and baggage?
Can’t say coming here was a mistake. But somewhere I stopped living my life. The pluses and the minuses of that have not been obvious, but the signs were there!
Baggage
For about a year I have been seeing all kinds of signs I was doing the wrong things. I was not living for me. I am absolutely adrift in a construct of reality outside of self. I do this in so many ways that the tracks are lost in overgrowth and trees way the fuck over there (imagine me pointing off into the black forest).
I want my parents (Sallie and Bob) be be able to be proud. I love them absolutely and want to be there for them even though I can’t. They are elderly and struggling though they seem to get lucky once in a while.
I love C Monster and I am lucky to have someone who honestly and truly loves me back. But… there is still something missing. Not one of those huge things, but there is a switch inside me that is just not installed right.
Speaking of which, there is my biological father. I have virtually nothing inside me for him anymore. I had this fantasy that he and I would become father and son once again, but there are huge barriers:
- his abuse for all those years growing up = 3 years of therapy +
- his placement of my biological sister on a pedestal = more therapy
You know he spent much of my formative years telling me:
- I was completely worthless and would never amount to anything = never tell a kid that
- I was not worthy of his name = fuck you for that
So what do I do now?
It’s funny how the universe works sometimes and the messages that play in the brain… yes, as if someone somewhere something was sending a little reminder that this light could shine brighter once again:
- quote: “Fortune favors the Bold“
- quote: “Mired down in pettiness instead of stepping your shit up.”
– Season 1 Ep. 7 “Orange is the new Black“
A Song – This was stuck in my head two days ago at work
A Song – this was stuck in my head yesterday at work
… Bus babble….
Seems odd that C Monster and I had another weekend so full of chaotic behavior that the end result seemingly brought us a little closer.
He fell of the wagon and threw down on some serious drinking. For those unawares he has been staying sober because he cannot handle his booze. He becomes someone I do not like.
Alas I decided to go out on my own Sunday night and had a great time, but that was with a lot of vodka. I did have a lot of fun at Powerhouse.
While I seriously considered breaking up even if it was a temporary break, I somehow realized just how much we love each other. This guy genuinely loves me and I him.
I do find myself unable to find the desire for sex with him. I get turned on, but I feel like something will go wrong. It does take me a lot longer to get to home-plate…. So, yeah.
So. There is a quick update while I am on the bus to work. So yeah. TMI huh?
Quickie quickie
So I recorded a vblog today and am going to wrap it in new graphics then publish hopefully tomorrow. I started it but did not get far before I had to leave for work.
Today is my Friday and I wish I wad off, but I have some stuff I wanna do. Of course I will post pics if I can make this project work.
So, until tomorrow.
