Author Archive: scott.kay

An Exhausting Weekend

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wp_20141005_006It was one of those weekends. It was one of those weekends when you are called to be the +1 with your partner and all his college friends who were getting together for a birthday. It was the time to witness drunken tomfoolery and gross gluttony and just general hetero weirdness. But there were also some very nice moments.

BF has issues

I was so uncomfortable being injected into this crowd at first. I was with a bunch of strangers sharing a house for 3 days and 2 nights and then there was my BF crawling up my ass insisting I get comfortable. It took a little while, but frankly once he blacked out from drinking I had a great time.

Gluttony Shell Fist Style

wp_20141006_003We went to have oysters at an oyster farm and ate them hand over fist. OMG they were so fantastic. We had them hot and fresh and with a lot of beer and while and various Asian liqueurs. More went back to the house, as well as a giant bag of clams, lumpia like mad and so much…. and then when we got back we met in Oakland and had Korean BBQ and left so full we were in pain.
It is time for a diet. It is time for a sensible direction and change back to decent food that is not going to kill me… oh my hell.

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More Crazy Dreams

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I have been having some weird dreams again lately. Nothing too freaky, but Salvador Dali might appreciate the visual anyway.

Dream #1

rp_P1010006a-310x150.jpgThe night of my last post about my dog that passed, I dreamed about him. Well, my interpretation is that it was really about him. I dreamed I was unpacking some stuff from a year before and lost in a bundle of old clothes was my dog* severely dehydrated and near death.

*Note: the image was a small dog like a black poodle sweaty looking and matter with a gray tongue sticking out. This considering my Tom dog was a blonde German Sheppard. I did have a black poodle as a kid named “Cotton” who passed on at some point long long ago.

Now, I think my biological father (Jack) was with me in this dream when we found the dog who was trapped in the bundle of clothes for a year. We rushed to get the dog water. No one expected him to live a minute longer, but with the first sip of water he began showing signs of life.
Apparently he started getting healthier and at one point morphed into Charlize Theron in the same sexy dress she wore in the Chanel commercials and told me that she/he had been waiting for me to return. I think that was when I woke up, because it was bizarre.
The dog collar I mentioned in the previous post… well, I picked it up again yesterday before I left and considered taking it with me, but could not. I felt like it needed to stay. In some way I think my Tom-Dawg is still watching over my mom.

Dream #2

Well, this might be a few dreams running together from last night. They seemed to take place with me in prison.
In one part I remember being in a prison (I knew intellectually it was a prison in the dream) but it looked very industrial and sciFi. I was looking out and could see the sunset.

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My Biological father and his wife


And finally, I remember being in an industrial style prison space like I mentioned and somehow being responsible for killing my biological father (Jack again). I was accused of killing him and in the course of the accusation I was wearing some kind of wrist band that held arrows in it and it misfired shooting arrows all around the room. I think I ended up shooting myself and causing some kind of flesh wound. So weird.
In a whole other part I remember being in the yard of a classic prison and seeing all kinds of things going on. People were plotting and committing small crimes, right out of Orange is the new Black, all around me. I saw someone being paid a half bottle of booze to kill someone. I saw a drug deal, I saw contraband being smuggled in. And in this case everything was in black and white.

Dogs: Past and Present

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I love dogs. Well, good pets… cats have not been horrible. But dogs are the best. After my Tom-Dog passed on a year ago Mom & Bob got Maggie and she is a good girl. They have another dog named Sam who is 14 and still full of energy – relatively speaking.
Tom's CollarYesterday I was fixing the back seat in my moms car and Tom’s old collar fell into my hands and I was shocked. I just grasped it in both my hands and then naturally took a picture of it. Read about Tom here.
I miss having a puppy around. But I need to have a home and a life. I don’t have those things right now. It’s ahead of me. It’s part of my intention. I gave all that up 3.5 years ago for a new adventure and have been virtually lost since then.
Now, the only plus has been my bf and many of the people I have come to know in San Francisco. I need something more though and not sure where to find it.

Visiting Mom and Bob

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I’m in Tehachapi, Ca visiting my mom and step-dad and helping them reassemble their house after she had all new flooring installed. The floors look great, but the people that were helping her take the stuff out were vampires and charged my mom 600 bucks. I am more annoyed the 74221_495509221196_4032212_nwoman who has been helping them has been bleeding my mom for a while anyway.
Anyway, we got most of the furniture in place and thank goodness they are not bringing in all their stuff that was in here. Hopefully they will start purging. I love my hoarder parents… ha ha ha ha.
So my to-do list is growing and I am not moving as fast while I am here. I have a lot to do tomorrow and I have to leave on Friday to get back to San Francisco. C Monster and I have tickets for a show to see Peaches Christ doing Hocus Pocus! Woot!
I made dinner for us. Chinese food that came out pretty good.

Back to Faery Land

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Heading back out to GroundSwell today… the new Radical Faerie idealized land in North Central California. The land is awesome though the spirit energy there is nothing like Wolf Creek. I think that will come over time, but neither do I think they want to be another Wolf Creek.
WP_20140907_004It’s been interesting seeing where they are going with this project. I talked to several different people over the last 6 months who all seem to see it differently. However, the more I learn the more it seems like the consensus is coming together. I am not part of the creative team bringing this bad boy together but am encouraged to see what happens.
I have been able to participate solely on the deepest of fringes. But who knows what the future will hold for me.

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Expanding my Creative Menu

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I started another writing project based on a pretty cool idea. It’s funny how things sorta flow in the universe and I have to wonder about where some of my ideas flow from. Certainly I have a creative mind and a unique spin, but I started a book about 2 years ago and finished it’s 4th or 5th draft recently and see two productions with a similar (generally speaking) concept behind it.
Mine is certainly darker and edgier than t.v. will do and absolutely reaches past what a made for t.v. movie I heard about last night is doing. All it means is people wonder about similar things.
My writing has danced on the spiritual / metaphysical / sciFi side for all my life but I keep letting time slip by without attempting to publish anything. Seems a lot of people think they are writers and I am more than willing to hear any critical feedback on my work if only I can get someone to read it.
Besides, I want a 2nd pair of eyes on it for sentence structure, continuity and maybe some fact checking too. I have no one will to take that task on. Argh….!
But, I decided once again [note to reader: I had twice in my life sought publishing but let myself get defeated almost immediately] to look into it. I have been reading and preparing myself for the process and know it is a long process. I suppose if it were easy tons of people would have done it and there would be a lot of shitty books out there about whatever.
I have 2 books ready for the go round:

  • “3 Wishes to Save the World” by me
    Which really has nothing to do with saving the world but has a lot to do with much more darker and deeply rooted issue in our world evolving around race and the perception of society.
  • “ELDRITCH: Tale of the Four Winds” by me
    Super exciting purely SciFi tale I originally wrote as a screen play for television but it made quite an amazing book. It’s 300 pages but could easily evolve in a season of very cool shows on HBO or Showtime or something like that. It’s got a lot of historical figures in it and a lot of spiritual and religious overtones but strictly for the context of the story. This one actually does have a save the world element to it… no super heroes.

I think I need to add more to my creativity section on the site and maybe I will add more about my writing.

2014 Back from the Burn

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10659432_1472233903001438_2054450576133015670_nMy Burn this year was kind of a breaking point for me where I think I had a chance to do better but I kinda fell apart. I went sick… sicker than I thought… with bronchitis brought on by mold in the house I was living in. When I got back it manifested into severe bronchitis and asthma. So you can imagine, even as I write this, that I am still in recover.

2014 Burning Man Experience

10538414_10203869561392025_7813978811161735816_nI did it again this year. I ran my theme camp Sun Guardians again and it went off well. I write a Sun Guardians Trip Report that was pretty technical and avoided any feelings. That was the thing… I felt really run over by a couple people, disappointed by a couple people, but mostly everyone was pretty damn awesome.

The camp happened and it was awesome. So that got me all wound up and I started working on all the plans for Sun Guardians 2015. Yes, and the plan has jumped the shark a little because the plan looks pretty freaking amazing. It’s huger!

As for Queer Burners I wrote Queer Burner Trip Report too. I kept it short and to the point because it is as if no one is really interested in criticism. It does not matter if it is critical or not. Douche baggery is permeating the mainstream burner events and it really sucks. The problem is the bitter old burners being invaded are being jerks while the wanna-be’s are also being jerks. Neither win and a majority of people are trapped in the middle.

My Own Take

1383415_10152714461856197_4876025989973729117_nI got to spend Burning Man with my partner for the fist time ever. That cynical, it’s always a joke, sarcastic Chinese/Combodian I share a bed with every night seemed to grow with the experience. Although my time was largely taken away with events and camp issues, he found his own being there with friends he will hopefully carry with him for the future.

As usual I did a lot of projects and commitments but the icing on the cake came in a couple forms: We had a date night Saturday on top of the Crisco Disco art car where I brought us crackers, hummus, and cheese – plus a box of his wine 10649910_1472234139668081_1443901505286901655_nwhich we never got into which was fine. We had an amazing night. Next, when we left Burning Man we had a nice hotel moment – sexy sexy.

It was a weird week. I felt very depressed a lot through this week and lonely… of all things. Most of the week I found myself completely left behind because things needed to get done and it sucked. I had some good support and one of my leads completely fell down on me and failed to do his job. Thank goodness others stepped up.

The loneliness in the middle of a crowd of 66,000 people just completely sucked. The high points made it all worth while. I had some fears that never came to light and was hit in the face by things I did not see coming. I lost two friends this year … that sucked.

My camp… did it surpass 2013? In many ways it did but in other ways it fell apart. So… all the work I did since coming back will hopefully name 2015 strong. There is more in the Pictures Page.

 

and a little venting….

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I am sitting here having gone through UrielsJournal.Com several times with quite a few updates. I tried to refine this thing I might have lost control of and lost site of… ya know what I mean.

Scott Aug 1966

Scott Aug 1966


I kind of do the same thing with me. I lost myself as much as I lost track of what it meant to be living. I also find myself being reflective of where I am and how I got here. I cannot blame my parents.
I know I blame a lot of my personality problems on my father. As fucked up a human being I thought he was, I am left often wondering about him. Who he is now? Yet, I doubt he has changed much. That story has been told here enough. [#jack,  #father,  #failure] [post: letter]
My mom is a warrior. She is fighting on through life and she takes good care of my step-dad even though she faces a lot of criticism. But, she is my foundation.
When I think back to my childhood there is a lot of blank spots. I see my mom as this hard working woman who took a lot of shit, but worked her way for retirement and got what she wanted (well, sort of). She gave it to me once or twice as best she could to keep a fucked up kid like me in line.
Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle on my moms side

Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle on my moms side


My dad on the other hand… most of my memories of Jack are very negative. There were good memories, but they were torn up in the mess.
Why have I blocked out so much of my childhood and why do I remember it as if it was torn up and left in small pieces on the floor? I sound like him when I talk sometimes. I hate that about me.
My laugh is like hers. My relationships are like hers; a least in my approach. I feel like I have no friends and am alone; which I think is a lot like she might feel.
Now, my step-dad on the other hand is a good man and a positive influence in my life. I really only have pleasant memories of him and only learned of all his medical problems this year. I cannot believe my head was so deep in the sand.
Me and Mom

Me and Mom


Narcissism or not I am trying to live my life the best way I can. I am not worthy of myself and I am afraid that in my wake other people could get caught in those current and be dragged down. I really hate myself sometimes and would gladly be done with me. I want to do good things for good people and yet it feels like everything and everyone I touch turns to ashes eventually.

The above movie link …well, it got me thinking about Jack. I don’t hate him. He is the cornerstone for the dysfunctional part of me… maybe. As much as I try to be a better person. To be a good friend. To be a good partner. Good son. Good human. When his voice comes out of me it all turns to ashes in my hands. I guess I do blame him.
Update: 5 Minutes Later : A friend posted this on Facebook
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Yep, it made me laugh and finish with a light sigh. Perspective?

2014 September Check-in

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Good morning world. I looked at my analytics and it seems like people are still coming to my site, but seem to be looking at the pages with naked pics on them first. Not me, but from the 2012 Naked Bike Ride I participated in back then. It was a lot of fun, but something about this site and what it was set up for has somehow drifted.
photo 1Seems I find it harder and harder to write here and post because I am so busy doing other projects and avoiding some important things I need to be doing. It’s all about avoiding what needs to happen for what I want to happen. I want to live life on my own terms, but the delusion is that my terms are so vague and unsolved that I remain behind this computer lost in my fantasy world.

  1. Burning Man : my theme camp Sun Guardians : for two months before Burning Man in August 2014 I worked on that camp almost full time. Then when I got back I was so lit for fixing the problems of this year and making next year better that I ran full force into re-writing a plan for 2015. [my BM blog]
  2. my Writing : I have been writing since I was a teenager and am pretty damn good…. if I must say so myself. My work is contemporary and filled with colorful characters. I wold love to be published but I have no idea where to start and damn am I ready.
  3. my web sites : 2 burning man sites : queerburners.com : I can spend all the time I have in a day working on those. Hell, look at this site. I redid the whole design for it and the Burning Man part of it in a day.

10620556_1472234099668085_4276812698845279216_nWhat am I avoiding?

  1. job hunting : I need to find something that I can do to earn a living. I have become a red splatter on the pavement of the employed and am only just realizing how wrong I have taken life. Train Wreck. Bad Acid Trip.
  2. place to live : yes, I am currently homeless again. I am crashing with the boyfriend/partner. While it is good to be with him on this level and we are still strong with each other I left my last place because: hated living there, place reeked with mold, and more. I just had to get out of there thinking it would propel me forward… seems I am still stuck in the sling-shot.

I am taking this time to set money aside and do some things in the meantime. I have a month left to start getting some tread and figure out where and who I am. I want out of San Francisco… god yes!!!! Looking at East Bay, Portland, Seattle and maybe maybe Reno.

2014 Spiritual Gathering for Radical Faeries

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Yep- that’s what I did this last week. It was a very needed experience and I was so glad I was able to swing it. The postings on Facebook had me so excited and the “Call” (which is the announcement for the event and all the rules around it) was well crafted and made a person feel excited.
Last year I would say I left feeling trepidations over my experience as there seemed to be a lot of conflict with the identity of the land. BUT, if you read my trip report from last year then you can see why. A lot happened and there was a weird balance of good, bad and fantastical.

SGRF2013: Part 1 & Part2

SGRF2014:  Catching up since then: As suggested in the posts from 2013 I never made it back to Samhain and put off going back to Wolf Creek until I felt the call. So, the only Radical Faery stuff I did was here in the city with the local Faeries.
WP_001032Starting off I had zero money and had no idea how I was getting there. Plus, on the 11th hour I discovered my tent was missing. So, I had no place to sleep as far as I knew. Not to mention that I had not quite figured out how I was getting to Oregon and getting home. Think this might be a problem?
A great guy on a ride list picked me up and we drove up to Oregon. Yes, I still have both my kidneys. And, the guy working the event let me borrow an extra tent on the property. All was good. No ride home yet, but hell I had a few days before that might be an issue.

Wolf Creek

The land is amazing to visit. I stopped at the ancestor alter as soon as we arrived and payed homage to the land  because I wanted my return to start better (or the best possible) than last year. The map I found on the refrigerator in the barn showed so much.

The Vibe

As previously mentioned the “Call” was really good. There was this forced sense of desired sobriety last year and that was missing in this announcement. There was drinking and there was a little partying, but in the scope of things it was low key and Hand Washing Sinknice. Nothing close to Burning Man level! Which is a good thing.
I did have a sense of appreciation for the required sobriety normally enforced on a majority of the land. When I was cooking dinner one night my two helpers were drinking and smoking themselves into non-presence because it was the one night where you could pretty much drink anywhere on the land.

Me

Well, I contributed the best I could through cooking for the 40+ guests and staff on the land. It was exciting that it seems it was was people remembered most about my visit last year. It also felt so amazing to feel so welcomed back. It was cool that so many people that were there were burners. (more below)

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So I took a camping spot down by the creek because I wanted to be around people. While some people think this kind of a thing is sex, drugs and party on… well… for me it was just a nice chance to disconnect from the world and think about the things I need to take care of in life right now.

The Miss Wolf Creek Pageant

OMG this was just so much fun and it was done on the night people were allowed to have alcohol which made even more of a hoot! There is a building called the drag closet with all kinds of fun things in it that have been donated over the years. No, I did not get into drag but damn these boys are so much fun!!!!!