I’m in Tehachapi, Ca visiting my mom and step-dad and helping them reassemble their house after she had all new flooring installed. The floors look great, but the people that were helping her take the stuff out were vampires and charged my mom 600 bucks. I am more annoyed the 
woman who has been helping them has been bleeding my mom for a while anyway.
Anyway, we got most of the furniture in place and thank goodness they are not bringing in all their stuff that was in here. Hopefully they will start purging. I love my hoarder parents… ha ha ha ha.
So my to-do list is growing and I am not moving as fast while I am here. I have a lot to do tomorrow and I have to leave on Friday to get back to San Francisco. C Monster and I have tickets for a show to see Peaches Christ doing Hocus Pocus! Woot!
I made dinner for us. Chinese food that came out pretty good.
Author Archive: scott.kay
Back to Faery Land
Heading back out to GroundSwell today… the new Radical Faerie idealized land in North Central California. The land is awesome though the spirit energy there is nothing like Wolf Creek. I think that will come over time, but neither do I think they want to be another Wolf Creek.
It’s been interesting seeing where they are going with this project. I talked to several different people over the last 6 months who all seem to see it differently. However, the more I learn the more it seems like the consensus is coming together. I am not part of the creative team bringing this bad boy together but am encouraged to see what happens.
I have been able to participate solely on the deepest of fringes. But who knows what the future will hold for me.
Related articles
Expanding my Creative Menu
I started another writing project based on a pretty cool idea. It’s funny how things sorta flow in the universe and I have to wonder about where some of my ideas flow from. Certainly I have a creative mind and a unique spin, but I started a book about 2 years ago and finished it’s 4th or 5th draft recently and see two productions with a similar (generally speaking) concept behind it.
Mine is certainly darker and edgier than t.v. will do and absolutely reaches past what a made for t.v. movie I heard about last night is doing. All it means is people wonder about similar things.
My writing has danced on the spiritual / metaphysical / sciFi side for all my life but I keep letting time slip by without attempting to publish anything. Seems a lot of people think they are writers and I am more than willing to hear any critical feedback on my work if only I can get someone to read it.
Besides, I want a 2nd pair of eyes on it for sentence structure, continuity and maybe some fact checking too. I have no one will to take that task on. Argh….!
But, I decided once again [note to reader: I had twice in my life sought publishing but let myself get defeated almost immediately] to look into it. I have been reading and preparing myself for the process and know it is a long process. I suppose if it were easy tons of people would have done it and there would be a lot of shitty books out there about whatever.
I have 2 books ready for the go round:
- “3 Wishes to Save the World” by me
Which really has nothing to do with saving the world but has a lot to do with much more darker and deeply rooted issue in our world evolving around race and the perception of society. - “ELDRITCH: Tale of the Four Winds” by me
Super exciting purely SciFi tale I originally wrote as a screen play for television but it made quite an amazing book. It’s 300 pages but could easily evolve in a season of very cool shows on HBO or Showtime or something like that. It’s got a lot of historical figures in it and a lot of spiritual and religious overtones but strictly for the context of the story. This one actually does have a save the world element to it… no super heroes.
I think I need to add more to my creativity section on the site and maybe I will add more about my writing.
2014 Back from the Burn
My Burn this year was kind of a breaking point for me where I think I had a chance to do better but I kinda fell apart. I went sick… sicker than I thought… with bronchitis brought on by mold in the house I was living in. When I got back it manifested into severe bronchitis and asthma. So you can imagine, even as I write this, that I am still in recover.
2014 Burning Man Experience
I did it again this year. I ran my theme camp Sun Guardians again and it went off well. I write a Sun Guardians Trip Report that was pretty technical and avoided any feelings. That was the thing… I felt really run over by a couple people, disappointed by a couple people, but mostly everyone was pretty damn awesome.
The camp happened and it was awesome. So that got me all wound up and I started working on all the plans for Sun Guardians 2015. Yes, and the plan has jumped the shark a little because the plan looks pretty freaking amazing. It’s huger!
As for Queer Burners I wrote Queer Burner Trip Report too. I kept it short and to the point because it is as if no one is really interested in criticism. It does not matter if it is critical or not. Douche baggery is permeating the mainstream burner events and it really sucks. The problem is the bitter old burners being invaded are being jerks while the wanna-be’s are also being jerks. Neither win and a majority of people are trapped in the middle.
My Own Take
I got to spend Burning Man with my partner for the fist time ever. That cynical, it’s always a joke, sarcastic Chinese/Combodian I share a bed with every night seemed to grow with the experience. Although my time was largely taken away with events and camp issues, he found his own being there with friends he will hopefully carry with him for the future.
As usual I did a lot of projects and commitments but the icing on the cake came in a couple forms: We had a date night Saturday on top of the Crisco Disco art car where I brought us crackers, hummus, and cheese – plus a box of his wine 
which we never got into which was fine. We had an amazing night. Next, when we left Burning Man we had a nice hotel moment – sexy sexy.
It was a weird week. I felt very depressed a lot through this week and lonely… of all things. Most of the week I found myself completely left behind because things needed to get done and it sucked. I had some good support and one of my leads completely fell down on me and failed to do his job. Thank goodness others stepped up.
The loneliness in the middle of a crowd of 66,000 people just completely sucked. The high points made it all worth while. I had some fears that never came to light and was hit in the face by things I did not see coming. I lost two friends this year … that sucked.
My camp… did it surpass 2013? In many ways it did but in other ways it fell apart. So… all the work I did since coming back will hopefully name 2015 strong. There is more in the Pictures Page.
and a little venting….
I am sitting here having gone through UrielsJournal.Com several times with quite a few updates. I tried to refine this thing I might have lost control of and lost site of… ya know what I mean.
Scott Aug 1966
I kind of do the same thing with me. I lost myself as much as I lost track of what it meant to be living. I also find myself being reflective of where I am and how I got here. I cannot blame my parents.
I know I blame a lot of my personality problems on my father. As fucked up a human being I thought he was, I am left often wondering about him. Who he is now? Yet, I doubt he has changed much. That story has been told here enough. [#jack, #father, #failure] [post: letter]
My mom is a warrior. She is fighting on through life and she takes good care of my step-dad even though she faces a lot of criticism. But, she is my foundation.
When I think back to my childhood there is a lot of blank spots. I see my mom as this hard working woman who took a lot of shit, but worked her way for retirement and got what she wanted (well, sort of). She gave it to me once or twice as best she could to keep a fucked up kid like me in line.
Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle on my moms side
My dad on the other hand… most of my memories of Jack are very negative. There were good memories, but they were torn up in the mess.
Why have I blocked out so much of my childhood and why do I remember it as if it was torn up and left in small pieces on the floor? I sound like him when I talk sometimes. I hate that about me.
My laugh is like hers. My relationships are like hers; a least in my approach. I feel like I have no friends and am alone; which I think is a lot like she might feel.
Now, my step-dad on the other hand is a good man and a positive influence in my life. I really only have pleasant memories of him and only learned of all his medical problems this year. I cannot believe my head was so deep in the sand.
Me and Mom
Narcissism or not I am trying to live my life the best way I can. I am not worthy of myself and I am afraid that in my wake other people could get caught in those current and be dragged down. I really hate myself sometimes and would gladly be done with me. I want to do good things for good people and yet it feels like everything and everyone I touch turns to ashes eventually.
The above movie link …well, it got me thinking about Jack. I don’t hate him. He is the cornerstone for the dysfunctional part of me… maybe. As much as I try to be a better person. To be a good friend. To be a good partner. Good son. Good human. When his voice comes out of me it all turns to ashes in my hands. I guess I do blame him.
Update: 5 Minutes Later : A friend posted this on Facebook
Yep, it made me laugh and finish with a light sigh. Perspective?
2014 September Check-in
Good morning world. I looked at my analytics and it seems like people are still coming to my site, but seem to be looking at the pages with naked pics on them first. Not me, but from the 2012 Naked Bike Ride I participated in back then. It was a lot of fun, but something about this site and what it was set up for has somehow drifted.
Seems I find it harder and harder to write here and post because I am so busy doing other projects and avoiding some important things I need to be doing. It’s all about avoiding what needs to happen for what I want to happen. I want to live life on my own terms, but the delusion is that my terms are so vague and unsolved that I remain behind this computer lost in my fantasy world.
- Burning Man : my theme camp Sun Guardians : for two months before Burning Man in August 2014 I worked on that camp almost full time. Then when I got back I was so lit for fixing the problems of this year and making next year better that I ran full force into re-writing a plan for 2015. [my BM blog]
- my Writing : I have been writing since I was a teenager and am pretty damn good…. if I must say so myself. My work is contemporary and filled with colorful characters. I wold love to be published but I have no idea where to start and damn am I ready.
- my web sites : 2 burning man sites : queerburners.com : I can spend all the time I have in a day working on those. Hell, look at this site. I redid the whole design for it and the Burning Man part of it in a day.
What am I avoiding?
- job hunting : I need to find something that I can do to earn a living. I have become a red splatter on the pavement of the employed and am only just realizing how wrong I have taken life. Train Wreck. Bad Acid Trip.
- place to live : yes, I am currently homeless again. I am crashing with the boyfriend/partner. While it is good to be with him on this level and we are still strong with each other I left my last place because: hated living there, place reeked with mold, and more. I just had to get out of there thinking it would propel me forward… seems I am still stuck in the sling-shot.
I am taking this time to set money aside and do some things in the meantime. I have a month left to start getting some tread and figure out where and who I am. I want out of San Francisco… god yes!!!! Looking at East Bay, Portland, Seattle and maybe maybe Reno.
2014 Spiritual Gathering for Radical Faeries
Yep- that’s what I did this last week. It was a very needed experience and I was so glad I was able to swing it. The postings on Facebook had me so excited and the “Call” (which is the announcement for the event and all the rules around it) was well crafted and made a person feel excited.
Last year I would say I left feeling trepidations over my experience as there seemed to be a lot of conflict with the identity of the land. BUT, if you read my trip report from last year then you can see why. A lot happened and there was a weird balance of good, bad and fantastical.
SGRF2014: Catching up since then: As suggested in the posts from 2013 I never made it back to Samhain and put off going back to Wolf Creek until I felt the call. So, the only Radical Faery stuff I did was here in the city with the local Faeries.
Starting off I had zero money and had no idea how I was getting there. Plus, on the 11th hour I discovered my tent was missing. So, I had no place to sleep as far as I knew. Not to mention that I had not quite figured out how I was getting to Oregon and getting home. Think this might be a problem?
A great guy on a ride list picked me up and we drove up to Oregon. Yes, I still have both my kidneys. And, the guy working the event let me borrow an extra tent on the property. All was good. No ride home yet, but hell I had a few days before that might be an issue.
Wolf Creek
The land is amazing to visit. I stopped at the ancestor alter as soon as we arrived and payed homage to the land because I wanted my return to start better (or the best possible) than last year. The map I found on the refrigerator in the barn showed so much.
The Vibe
As previously mentioned the “Call” was really good. There was this forced sense of desired sobriety last year and that was missing in this announcement. There was drinking and there was a little partying, but in the scope of things it was low key and 
nice. Nothing close to Burning Man level! Which is a good thing.
I did have a sense of appreciation for the required sobriety normally enforced on a majority of the land. When I was cooking dinner one night my two helpers were drinking and smoking themselves into non-presence because it was the one night where you could pretty much drink anywhere on the land.
Me
Well, I contributed the best I could through cooking for the 40+ guests and staff on the land. It was exciting that it seems it was was people remembered most about my visit last year. It also felt so amazing to feel so welcomed back. It was cool that so many people that were there were burners. (more below)
So I took a camping spot down by the creek because I wanted to be around people. While some people think this kind of a thing is sex, drugs and party on… well… for me it was just a nice chance to disconnect from the world and think about the things I need to take care of in life right now.
The Miss Wolf Creek Pageant
OMG this was just so much fun and it was done on the night people were allowed to have alcohol which made even more of a hoot! There is a building called the drag closet with all kinds of fun things in it that have been donated over the years. No, I did not get into drag but damn these boys are so much fun!!!!!
speaking of notes…
I am part of a production for a something called Secure Camp where we are trying to build a community, grass-roots program for the reduction of sexual assault. I heard said that if you were a victim of sex assault that you should not be part of something like this. Well, I thik I have been victim and aggressor in my life.
Dear old man on Bonner Street when I was 4 or 5 years old:
- what was it about a boy my age that inspired you to think that I wanted to play with your cock? I had to pee, which is why I touched my groin, not an invitation to you. Not for you to pull my pants down and open up your pants and show me your old dick. I can still see us in your house like I was outside of myself and I am sure I had no idea if this was right or wrong.
Dear girl:
- we were both kids and sexuality was a thing that I had permission to explore; unspoken by parents that maintained a huge inventory or porn in our house. When I talked you into fellating me and your mother caught us; believe it or not I can still see the pain in your eyes that I talked you into doing what we did. The look in your lovely eyes still haunts me sometimes. I hope life has been kind to you and that you don’t remember that stupid day at all.
There were more stories, but the sins of my past aren’t all mine alone. I don;t know if writing them out and setting them loose is an answer to anything. But it it takes the demons out of my head then I will take the chance.
I am too sensitive to allow myself to put pain on other people, but I have.
Weird thing is that that whole thing from when I was a kid and a dirty old bastard touched me haunts me hard and I fucks my head.
a letter to Jack K I will never send
It’s been a while since there was any communication and it is probably better that way as long as things are the way they are. All the reasons it seems you, Sandy and Lynn seem to think I walked away are whatever you can imagine. I know the things I heard are wrong, but it is what it is.
I decided to just let go and tell you I think about you quite a bit, but based on life experience so far it’s not worth hoping to anticipate any further relationship in this lifetime.
That day I woke up and realized you and I will never be the same members of any kind of loving family was not the same day I lost you as a dad. While you were still a father who still showed some level of compassion I now know I lost you when I was about 13 with divorce and soon after the final grave stone seems to be the day you met Beth; of all things.
Subsequently in the years before I joined and left for the Air Force in 1983 you told me:
- you (to me) will never be worthy of carrying your last name (thankfully it dies with me anyway)
- you (to me) will never amount to anything and I am worthless
Geez, just those few things were worth three years of therapy that at some point I thought I got past and when in a bout of self pity realized just how much your voice was still in my head.
That day, a few years ago when I hung up the phone after our conversation I realized that everything was wrong with this toxic and sick relationship. It would never be better. In recent times I also began concluding that the problem is really in me: the damage is inside of me and it is my responsibility to get past THAT and find my future and my voice.
If I emulate anything that is like you I try and change it; to kill any part of you inside of me. You voice, your thinking, your being is like acid to me and I can’t hope for a future that has you or your daughter in it. You are definitely perfect for each other.
Say what you would about my mom, Sallie, but she has been a pillar of steel and survived and thrived and shown more love and backbone than you ever did.
As for your deluded and self-involved daughter her sad soul has to deal with the lies she said about me. So good luck. Goodbye. I am tired of fighting your voice, your self-involved bullshit. I HATE how much I am like you in so many ways. I really do.
Still wondering what’s next…
So I sit here thinking about my future wondering where it will take me. Am I the driver or the passenger? It hardly seems logical that a 50 year old guy can sit here and not know where to go with it, but I have figured out one thing and that is there is something.
You practical Goats prefer solid footing beneath your feet, so it’s unsettling now when the very things you were most sure of start to disintegrate before your eyes. Don’t panic; it isn’t like your life is falling apart. The problem is your internal GPS isn’t operating at top efficiency, so you may have to fly by the seat of your pants for a while. Loosen up and enjoy the ride — even if you have no idea where you are going.
– My horoscope today on Tarot.Com (love that site)
Anyhoo… my love of cooking is seriously dying in San Francisco working for fucking idiots who think they don’t stink and are impervious to any wrong. OMG – I have worked for some serious losers who could never see themselves in a mirror.
So my passions have a chance to emerge but it is hard to ask the universe for something when I am uncertain to what it could be.