Burning Man 2024 – No, I didn’t go this time… but

Posted on September 15, 2024September 15, 2024 by scott.kay

These guys from the UK make fun videos and this came on my feed this morning and as I watched it there were tears. Behind those feels were a variety of emotions recalling the wonder of Burning Man in my time. I went to Burning Man from 2009 to 2022 every year and actively participated in the community from start to finish. But, the overwhelming reason I had to step out was because it felt incredibly lonely and isolating.

Someone just pointed out that while I was in this community I was running a theme camp, I was a ranger for a little while, and I actively promoted events and things at the burn. I was actively engaged in other events with a lot of friends, but few understand how lonely I really was. One of my closest friends and I had an argument one night and that was a back-breaker for me. Friends who promised to be there for me ended up really hurting me. It’s true that these kinds of commitments between humans are really tested out there and if the bonds are not strong, healed, or unbreakable then they are likely doomed. I made choices…

Would I go back to the burn. If the circumstances are in alignment I will go back in 2025 one last time. I will ranger. I will only go with people I can trust. I will not run a theme camp. I will go as a tourist with exceptions.

I am certain that Burning Man is a long burning flame and is probably nearing it’s eventual end. The cost of going is just beyond reason both financially and physically. There is a lot that has changed over time and because of the stratospheric expense, most regular humans cannot go. It’s just unreachable and the ethos is tarnished by greed and instagram…. and yes YouTube.

Anxiety is driving me nuts

Posted on August 3, 2024August 4, 2024 by scott.kay

There are those of us who cringe at the idea of going to bed. It’s a great reward for a lot of people who work hard every day and look forward to those hours of sweet, sweet dreams. Not me. My nights are more often than not like sleeping with my high school bully (and not in the good way). Yeah, today was an example of that.

Today’s stage is brought to you by my loving partner who needed me to take him to the airport this morning at 5am. I am (and was) happy to do that. I crawled back into bed when I got home, but it was hard falling asleep. Insomnia is a relatively new monster, but I did at some point manage to drift off. And here is how it went…

The Dream

We were in our home (I think my partner and I) and I was trying to cook. A guy came in and kept trying to knock me over. He was a good looking Hispanic dude (like right out of East L.A., he reminded me a lot of a guy I know [Raul]). Eventually he stopped, but thought he was freakin’ funny.

Next, I remember us in our car driving to the hospital for some reason. I was driving and we were on a narrow road that was dirt and a single lane and a woman in a white pickup was trying to beat me on the road and trying to force me off the road. It was a short segment.

We arrived at a hospital and were on the 6th floor with my partner, Archer (my dog) and a second big dog that was black or dark gray. My partner and I went to the elevator and left the dogs on the 6th floor. We called the elevator and it did not come. A FedEx driver came over, waved his badge and the elevator came right away.

If something happened in between I have no idea. But, me and my partner were in the elevator and it was the size of a bedroom. There were several people in this room/elevator waiting to go wherever and we needed badly to get back to the sixth floor. All the buttons were animal patterns. Yes, I recall a couple of them being giraffes in digital images. I tried calling for help, nothing. Someone here was trying to knock me over too. We were stuck, and I could see a lot of people acting like this was normal. But then, a FedEx driver came over and waived is badge and we were moving again.

Dream Over – whah whah

I know I woke with a start, like almost sitting up. And I could remember this dream the whole day. I related it to the CMonster today and kept going over the details in my mind like there had to be some meaning in there anywhere.

This article: “Anxiety Dreams Are a Thing — Here’s How to Cope” tried to offer some sense to it, but who wants to make sense?

The real stress is my day job is really letting me down and hours have been non-existent for 3 weeks now. CMonster is working his ass off and I am putting my energy into these books where I should be looking for a new source of income. That’s on me and that is the guilt and shame I am feeling that I am not bringing in the cash needed. Oh sigh.

Time for some T

I take medication for my anxiety in a few forms. Psychiatrists are very liberal and literally dangerous with a prescription pad because twice they tried to put me on SSRI or SSI’s that fucked my brain. Like, serious fucked my perception of the world. YOU ABSOLUTELY have to be an advocate and voice for your own well-being.

Anyway, so there is a medication that targets anxiety without all the other brain-fuckery. I am taking Buspirone 10 mg and 15 mg before bed (which sometimes helps). It’s not great unless you are paying a lot of attention to your dosage. It makes me stupid if I have too much in my system. But damn this shui has got me through a lot.

I hate taking pills but this has been good for me. I require a lot less of other med preventing panic attacks.

My anxiety is debilitating and really messes with my relationship to the world. I have pulled in to myself quite a bit. I am really an extroverted-introvert these days but I miss a lot of the stuff I used to do.

Anyway, like and comment!

Eldritch Updates

Posted on July 1, 2024July 1, 2024 by scott.kay

So, I am always working on this stuff. I really have given a lot of years to this project and am very intimate with it. I am ready to give birth and give it legs, but keep finding new barriers. Imagine thinking that maybe the universe is telling me no. I can’t imagine, or even accept, that this was not my destiny. To write and create and do more. But starting this late in life is not impossible but hard as hell by any standard.

I have created www.scottkay.me for my author page and will launch www.eldritchtv.com in the near future with some pretty cool updates. Remember back when I posted what my characters would look like if they were realized? Link here to previous post… well I discovered Ai images. So I played with them for a lot of characters in book 1 and 2. Ai is really racist btw… or enforces stereotypes that I am not in love with but basically filtered a lot out.

These are Ai images i created using an interface for lack of existing images I wanted representing the characters in my book. These are among my leads, but maybe you noticed the stunning looking male figure on the cover of this, being my main protagonist.

Images from Microsoft Designer

I made a lot more and if I can manage to make all of them I want, they will appear on the Eldritch website.

Should I go ahead and publish the first 4 chapters of my book on the internet to get word out there? I am wondering if I should. Anyway, feel free to hit me up and say hi.

A quick update

Posted on June 29, 2024June 29, 2024 by scott.kay

I keep telling myself to post here more often, but I am not sure anyone is reading any of this anyway. A friend of mine is starting his own series soon called #RandyTales and his partner is #GoddessTales and I can’t wait to read more. But for now… this is me.

I have lost 25 #s since the beginning of the year and it is as if no one noticed. Yes, I still have a way to go, and am determined to lose another 25#s, but CMonster is asking me not to go much further. He’s afraid I will look older with less fat. Which in some cases might be true, but my body is in a happy place. I lost 25#s of mass on my body, but I have gained at least 10 or more #s of muscle. I went out, took my shirt off, and was confident (and got lucky) when I went out last weekend. My demon is the chin waggle and I hate it.

I will post pics when I can. I am barely making this post right now. But, I will say it sucks that it look so long for anyone to say anything and I had to prompt a response.

Why not tell me it looks like I am losing weight, I ask. Am I that unapproachable? Even at a pool party, nothing. I am not skinny… but a lot less bulky and have more of that to go. But, damn what a difference from 255 at Christmas and <230 now. Gym, food and hard choices… the only way to do it. Ugh.

Medications

I am taking Orlistat to loose weight btw. I neglected to mention that part which has been really helpful because fat (not sugar) is my demon. I don’t even eat that much, but the kind of foods are the bog factor. Hot weather helps.

I am also taking a strong anti anxiety med that makes life hard to navigate and also helps so shit. More on that another day…. this was just a qucik update.

Agent Search

Posted on April 24, 2024April 24, 2024 by scott.kay

So, the process of looking for a literary agent is stressful. I sent my stuff to one yesterday and one today after a lot of scrutiny over the text. I am prone to typos and missing small details that it takes several attempts to review and fix. Sometimes my language sucks, ask anyone around me.

I’m scared and nervous about it. I even signed up for a seminar this week about writing the perfect query letter. And it helped, but I think she wanted to see her services pretty badly and I was not having it. Thanks, but no thanks. I will share my query letter below:

ELDRITCH CRUSADE: Tale of the Four Winds is for readers who love monsters and gothic tomes featuring supernatural beings in a story of colorful intrigue and personal growth. Ultimately it is a story about family and chosen family with a touch of death and dismemberment. It just so happens that the leads are a young witch, a necromancer, vampire, and a Nephilim. There is a climate of uneasiness and inter-species cultural and political dynamics among witches, monsters, and more, that forge alliances as they become embattled by a common enemy who we were taught are supposed to be the good guys – the angels. I chose an unusual adversary who imposes ideologies on communities that were already established, using colonialism as the base of the story.

I hired three editors through Reedsy, in different capacities that included formatting, story development, copy editing and proofreading.

The book is 137,121 words and 431 pages long. Category: Commercial Fantasy/Fiction.

This is currently a trilogy and each book raises the stakes for our heroes, from young men to masters of their arts in magic, to defy extremely powerful forces with the odds set against them.

I am inspired by writers like Anne Rice, Dan Brown, and Steven Saylor for the way they developed unusual characters and made them interesting and admirable, even if they were killers and underdogs

Well, there it is. I changed the title to ELDRITCH CRUSADE because it seemed to fit. There is a whole universe of ideas in this world that can be used in the future. So a franchise is not out of the question. I am so excited about this and have spent 12 years making it what it is.

Heart Break and Self Doubt

Posted on April 22, 2024April 22, 2024 by scott.kay

I have been struggling a long time with who I am and where I want to go in life. At 59 years of age, most people have those questions settled. The vision of who I think I am and how the world responds to me is as different as the shores of an ocean. The gap feels that wide sometimes. I have not always been a good friend to some people and my loyalty to many has been trashed more times than I could count. The truth is also that I have learned a lot about myself in the last fifteen years and have tried to alter that to be as true and honest and good as possible. But, it does not always work.

I get point of my reflections came when I had some diagnosis for PTSD and severe anxiety. Game Changer. Like, serious game changer to understand my behavior and why I am the way I am. That came around 2018/19 or something like that. So, not that long ago. Fortunately, we were moving into a world where people were having more empathy and compassion for people with issues like those. Sadly, not everyone is on board. And because everyone seems to be suffering from anxiety and is self medicating the rest of us get swept under the rug as being weak or broken and not worthy. So freaking frustrating when people you love and care for have no sense of what it means to be in that bubble.

Just curiously I did a search on this site to see what entries I made about this before like this mental health search and anxiety and PTSD with a lot of overlap. (Note: I saw references to my other blogs which are all contained in this version now).

The Reason for this Post

Anyway, the impetus of this post is about a friend who said some very unfriendly things about me and I am still reeling after a month or more. I Invited someone to stay with me in my home who I loved dearly but was worrying that our friendship was being tested. I took off work for the days he and two of his friends were visiting and spent a lot of time with them to see if it was real or my imagination. To me, the weekend was absolutely fantastic on every level. There was some subtle drama here and there, but it did not seem to have anything to do with me.

On our last evening out, he suddenly turned on me and said a lot of really mean things. Critical feedback is one thing, but this was really ugly and mean. Exactly a minute before his attack on me, I was thinking: “Wow, I loved our time together this weekend! Our friendship is solid,” I said to myself. Then – blamo.

We went back to the house. I said nothing. I went up to my bedroom and closed the door and gently let that content pass through me. He came up and started to apologize, but then he dug his heels in deeper. I told him I was not ready to say anything about what he said. I mentioned that nothing he said was kind, helpful, or caring that I needed time to process the information. So, the next morning, calmly we talked. I asked him to let me say what I needed to say. He did and was unapologetic and that was that.

I called him a week or two later and he dug in. It was the moment when I felt a little crack in my heart.

When is “I love you, Scott” a weapon and not an honest expression?

The bigger picture is more messy and would involve me sharing things I can’t. But people around this friend were also letting him down and maybe I got the blowback from it. Maybe I was simply not a good friend. If that is the case then all I can say is thank you for the memories and goodbye. This person was there in a handful of my happiest moments in life. We shared a handful of amazing memories, mostly tied to our mutual Burning Man experiences.

Karma is Real

Some who read this, if at all, might know of several circumstances in my life that I was not a good friend. At least one of them was really high profile. Karma –

“Hinduism identifies karma as the relationship between a person’s mental or physical action and the consequences following that action. It also signifies the consequences of all the actions of a person in their current and previous lives and the chain of cause and effect in morality.”

A person can change their Karma through acts of kindness and empathy. I have been trying a lot harder over the years. I have a lot of regrets and letting them go is really hard. I still think about them in the context that: though I cannot change the past I can do better moving forward. If there is a chance to heal the past then it has to flow into my path and through in order to keep moving ahead, because going backward is not going to work for anyone. A bunch of AA people are turning in their graves with that one.

Melissa, Me, Brian, and Ron

To Melissa**, Grant*, Keith, Eloy, Adolfo and more I ask your forgiveness – because when I knew you I was not ready for what that relationship meant. Did I miss anyone?

*Grant sent me a friend request this week on Facebook and we had a short conversation. It was nice.

**I see Melissa around every here and there and she looks super annoyed I am in the same space she is in. Her and I went through a super dark breakup. Our friendship was pretty special in it’s day, but there was some super dark moments I had to separate myself from. Then some assholes stirred up some drama and pulled me into that caused it all to explode. It played out huge at a Leadership gathering in SF before I moved there in front of everyone. Super crazy. I have since learned more details and – wow. I do not expect the relationship to be repaired but the blast radius was huge and there is still radiation.

Garden Project 2024

Posted on April 21, 2024April 21, 2024 by scott.kay

Well, if anyone has been following the gardening project I started last summer in the new house, a lot of changes have happened since. The idea was refined and a new direction taken in order to make something more sanctuary-like. The Fibonacci concept had to be set aside and I kept some of the elements, but shifted a long way. There are more updates here (link). I have a page dedicated to Las Vegas 2.0 as well as a whole category.

The Garden

Has been a work of love and pain, the story of my life, ha ha ha ha. I have a lot more to do and it will finish with an install of cobblestone within the next year unless I can somehow manage it sooner. Life has so many priorities and we are doing okay financially, but should be doing a lot better. I have been sneaking out and buying plants, but strangely enough I get caught every time. It’s hard to explain why there are new plants in the yard all of a sudden.

Otherwise, the writing project HAS TO BE a higher priority so I can get my book published you can read more about at this (link).

Fundraising Campaign

Posted on April 9, 2024April 10, 2024 by scott.kay

Heya! It’s time for me to put it out there and see if I can get backers for this book I want to self publish. Since I last made an attempt, I went into a deep dive for a bit more work on it. 12 (Twelve) years later it’s time.

I started writing a book based on Fantasy/Sci Fi ideas and as of today have completed a trilogy. Book One is ready to go to press and I am reaching out to people I know to help me achieve publication by raising at least $3k and will publish using BookBaby.Com effectively self-publishing and will get a lot of resources for that money by using this company.
Venmo: @iamscottkay

ELDRITCH CRUSADE
Tale of the Four Winds

This is an adventure in the modern world we live in with supernatural creatures that live in it from monsters, angels, and creatures of ancient origin. Our featured character is a college age member of a lost branch to a family tree of ancient witches whose powers are descended in a powerful bloodline. With the support of a chosen family that include a necromancer, vampire, and a Nephilim, the young witch grows and develops into a strong individual.

The dynamics of family, chosen and born, play out heavily for a young person who lost their close relations as a kid and finds bonds in surprising places. This is a story of adventure and figuring out self, standing against the odds of a powerful anti-hero, but also the trials of adulthood.

Of course there are elements of horror with creatures like these. This story is a steady upward climb of individual triumph and development. The lead character goes from never having been aware of mythical creatures to being a part of that culture.

Want to learn more about it” Check out this link: https://www.iamscottkay.com/category/eldritchtv/
How to donate: Venmo: @iamscottkay

I’m not doing one of the fundraising sites this time because it is just a share of the money I don’t want to give away. And I don; want to have to wait thirty days and so forth.
What does this money do?

I will get immediate publication on Amazon.Com digitally and an ISBN
Print on demand access for stores all around the world and an ISBN
Promotional and Advertising through Book Baby (Of course I will do my own, too)
Copyright
More details: https://www.bookbaby.com/…/complete-self-publishing…

I am also open to a loan. I stand to do okay on this book and it is my challenge to get this book out there and sell it in order to make a path ahead for the next two books which are already written. I invested $4k into editors and that went on CCs, so the following year after that I bought a house and there went all my cash and credit. I’m just not willing to get more revolving debt. Hit me up with questions.

I want to thank you for my first donation, getting me on the road anyway. As time progresses if this is successful I will def thank everyone involved in my appreciation in the book. Asking people for money to support my art is not such a strange thing in the world, but I am also realizing it feels very uncomfortable. We have asked for donations in the past for art projects, theme camps, and other burning man things, but this time the work is done and ready to meet the world. It feels like, and it is, asking for a handout. There is a chance this could start a new and potent direction for me that I always thought was in the cards for my future. Thank you for being a part of that.

Eldritch Crusade

Posted on March 19, 2024March 19, 2024 by scott.kay

Book 1: I took in a lot of feedback and went into a deep dive with an edit that allowed me to collapse some superfluous story strings and clear up some things that were not needed for the content. I have worked on Book 1 so much that I know the whole thing almost by memory. Crazy, right. Well, I couldn’t quote the whole book but as I write I don’t need to reference the original material a whole lot. It also give me a chance to add subtle details that sharpen the focus and give a sense of foreshadowing and story line support.

Now I am working on a new campaign to help get this thing published. I am so close now. But, what if this book is not seen? I am convinced I have an excellent story here. But, there is always room for improvement. I think I have finally reached the place I need to be in with this. Check this out.

DRAFT – – – – – – start – – – – – –

Fundraising Campaign

I started writing a book based on Fantasy/Sci Fi ideas about twelve years ago and as of today have completed a trilogy. Book One is ready to go to press and I am reaching out to people I know to help me achieve publication by raising at least $3k and will publish using BookBaby.Com effectively self-publishing and will get a lot of resources for that money by using this company.

Venmo: @iamscottkay

ELDRITCH CRUSADE

Tale of the Four Winds

Want to learn more about it” Check out this link: https://www.iamscottkay.com/category/eldritchtv/

How to donate: Venmo: @iamscottkay

I’m not doing one of the fundraising sites this time because it is just a share of the money I don’t want to give away.

What does this money do?

I will get immediate publication on Amazon.Com digitally and an ISBN

Print on demand access for stores all around the world and an ISBN
Promotional and Advertising through Book Baby (Of course I will do my own, too)
Copyright

More details: https://www.bookbaby.com/book-printing/complete-self-publishing-package

Introverted?

Posted on March 5, 2024March 5, 2024 by scott.kay

When I moved back to Las Vegas, I thought I would be able to get right back into the flow of some things with the people I felt deeply connected to here who were a part of my original burner community. Because I have no time for social stuff, I blamed that for not being able to connect. It almost feels like that is an excuse I told myself. In fact, it also feels like the community moved on without me and my motivations are different. It feels like I am an outsider.

It’s my own fault, because I have different priorities these days. I put those priorities into my new house, marriage, dog, and my aspirations to publish my book. On all those points, I have put all those things over my need to be social.

My writing get a priority because I feel like I am so close to having these books published. But, I might be chasing a dragon on this one. I am having a lot of self-doubts. I always seem to get close and not get there.

I connected with my psychiatrist last week and he mentioned something that is still in my head, about me being an introvert. I have always considered myself to be an introverted/extrovert, but it feels like that scale is sliding. It definitely is because of those previously mentioned priorities. I wonder if I keep filling the wrong bucket because my people meter keeps washing out on me. I deeply feel like I need a better balance.

Recently a friend of mine sent me a kit for a “Clearing Kit”, which is magic. Literally, a magic kit for clearing the obstacles in your life. I am a bit afraid to use it because I can see how one of those obstacles could definitely be my marriage. So, I have to ask myself, what are the priorities I want for the future. I know I want the books published and I want to write new things. I want to write full time. I want to travel. I want to cook. I want to be with friends.

My job is okay. I like what I do. It’s chaos defined. It gives me little room to take care of myself. Where do I go with that? <<me questions, not a you question.

But I want to be with my friends and I want to go on adventures but I am still stuck. I miss and love so many of the people I have met in my life, but am having trouble connecting.

Sigh.