There are those of us who cringe at the idea of going to bed. It’s a great reward for a lot of people who work hard every day and look forward to those hours of sweet, sweet dreams. Not me. My nights are more often than not like sleeping with my high school bully (and not in the good way). Yeah, today was an example of that. 

Today’s stage is brought to you by my loving partner who needed me to take him to the airport this morning at 5am. I am (and was) happy to do that. I crawled back into bed when I got home, but it was hard falling asleep. Insomnia is a relatively new monster, but I did at some point manage to drift off. And here is how it went…

The Dream

We were in our home (I think my partner and I) and I was trying to cook. A guy came in and kept trying to knock me over. He was a good looking Hispanic dude (like right out of East L.A., he reminded me a lot of a guy I know [Raul]). Eventually he stopped, but thought he was freakin’ funny. 

Next, I remember us in our car driving to the hospital for some reason. I was driving and we were on a narrow road that was dirt and a single lane and a woman in a white pickup was trying to beat me on the road and trying to force me off the road. It was a short segment. 

We arrived at a hospital and were on the 6th floor with my partner, Archer (my dog) and a second big dog that was black or dark gray. My partner and I went to the elevator and left the dogs on the 6th floor. We called the elevator and it did not come. A FedEx driver came over, waved his badge and the elevator came right away. 

If something happened in between I have no idea. But, me and my partner were in the elevator and it was the size of a bedroom. There were several people in this room/elevator waiting to go wherever and we needed badly to get back to the sixth floor. All the buttons were animal patterns. Yes, I recall a couple of them being giraffes in digital images. I tried calling for help, nothing. Someone here was trying to knock me over too. We were stuck, and I could see a lot of people acting like this was normal. But then, a FedEx driver came over and waived is badge and we were moving again. 

Dream Over – whah whah

I know I woke with a start, like almost sitting up. And I could remember this dream the whole day. I related it to the CMonster today and kept going over the details in my mind like there had to be some meaning in there anywhere. 

This article:  “Anxiety Dreams Are a Thing — Here’s How to Cope” tried to offer some sense to it, but who wants to make sense? 

The real stress is my day job is really letting me down and hours have been non-existent for 3 weeks now. CMonster is working his ass off and I am putting my energy into these books where I should be looking for a new source of income. That’s on me and that is the guilt and shame I am feeling that I am not bringing in the cash needed. Oh sigh. 

Time for some T

I take medication for my anxiety in a few forms. Psychiatrists are very liberal and literally dangerous with a prescription pad because twice they tried to put me on SSRI or SSI’s that fucked my brain. Like, serious fucked my perception of the world. YOU ABSOLUTELY have to be an advocate and voice for your own well-being. 

Anyway, so there is a medication that targets anxiety without all the other brain-fuckery. I am taking Buspirone 10 mg and 15 mg before bed (which sometimes helps). It’s not great unless you are paying a lot of attention to your dosage. It makes me stupid if I have too much in my system. But damn this shui has got me through a lot. 

I hate taking pills but this has been good for me. I require a lot less of other med preventing panic attacks. 

My anxiety is debilitating and really messes with my relationship to the world. I have pulled in to myself quite a bit. I am really an extroverted-introvert these days but I miss a lot of the stuff I used to do. 

Anyway, like and comment!