Since coming back from Burning Man I have made a lot of promises to myself, most of which I have managed to keep. These promises are all for my personal well-being and growth.
However, I have been left in this cloud where there is a distinct lack of direction and ability to latch onto something to get my life evolving forward.
- I’ve made this promise of sobriety; not that I am a drunk or anything but I spent much of the last 2 years partying and doing things that were fun, but there is a point where one wants to take a step back and re-asses.
- I’ve made this promise to eat food that is better for me; in fact I have been doing quite well. Fast food wrecks my internals parts and I feel bloated and gross after eating almost anything coming out of a drive-thru window.
- I’ve set goals to create more and do more independent projects; I have 3 projects in the fire right now as seen on art23design.com
I am left without a sail right now and as I have worked to be a better person, both inside and out, I have found that something is broken.
Truth be told, I have been seeing a psychologist for a while talking about things in life and some of the baggage that I have been holding onto. A LOT OF STUFF keeps going back to the relationship between my father and I as well as my biological sister and I.
Family Shot: Me, Dad, and Uncle Chuck on my mom's side of the family.
My father and I had a very painful and disconnected relationship growing up and I was exploring some of it in a piece of art I was working on last night. His voice and his verbal abuse that literally sought to break me into something as loathsome as himself:
- You are worthless
- You are nothing
- You are a mistake
- You are not worth carrying my name
And a lot more items that still echo in my head and have reemerged while struggling with this unemployment situation and struggling to find my foothold as I march forward. At some point in my life Jack Kraske and Scott Kraske became passive/aggressive enemies and faith and love for this man was crushed.
He and my sister will never understand where I am coming from and there was a point about 2 years ago when I finally realized, my father has no faith in me at all.
- My biological sister was always the one who could do no wrong, her pedestal was pretty high
- She lied about a fight we had to the family and there is no way she can recant without looking like a fool
- She has told her 3 absolutely beautiful children she was an only child
- She is denying access for her kids to my mom and lies to her constantly
There is obviously a lot of baggage there too. I have had to come to terms with that relationship falling away because I do not think she and I have had a conversation in 25 years. There was something a couple years ago and she cowardly hid behind her husband speaking out of pure ignorance and stupidity… long story.
It’s all so very ugly and haunts me, because this is immediate family and is really filled with dysfunction and disconnection making “family” a four letter word. The people who are closest to you hurt you the worst. I feel like the black seed that has caused a cancer in this family that has gone beyond the immediate circle and branched up the chain enough that my mistakes are compounded by the history that began with my poor judgement. I refuse to be abused any more and I made another promise: To stop tearing myself down thinking it makes me humble… it just looks pathetic and hurts people that care about me.
“Poor judgement”? I made a lot of mistakes financially and am basically bankrupt right now and owe a lot of people money, including family and close friends. I have asked family for money and help, but in all the wrong ways. So, I think I just look like a pathetic mess to most of them.
I think my cousins are some of the coolest people. I like them all so much… I wish we lived closer to each other and could be an actual family.
My father has been married 3 times and seems to have finally got it right with the lady he is with now.
Stepmom #1 was such a cow. Mean selfish bitch, I can see why he was attracted to her. She had a fat ass, and as much shit as he gave me about my wait he also put a lot of pressure on her.
Stepmom #2 was almost the same age I was at the time. She was also my step-sister. The complete and selfish position of my father marrying a girl he picked up hitch-hiking who happened to be a part of my mom’s 2nd marriage. There was no thought of the impact it would have on use kids. She was 19 and I was 16 and man was she a bitch. Ironically, I reconnected with her recently and she turns out to be pretty nice from what I can tell.
Stepmom #3 is the woman he is currently married to and in retirement with. She is really nice, too nice.
I can’t say my mom’s marriages have been anything like my dad’s. I always felt like she was trying to do anything she could to survive and she did really well overall.
Stepdad#1: Was an asshole but he was a tough guy in the area of authority. He punched me in the face once and I soooo deserved it. Can;t say I ever liked ol’ Roger so much but he helped my mom until he screwed her in the end financially.
Stepdad#2: Currently still in office for what is going on 30 years. He has been more of a dad than my own. To talk to some of his kids he made as many mistakes as my biological dad did, but the difference is that Bob has remorse for some of his bad decisions as a dad.
I often ask myself if I am being fair. Dad’s have a hard job… they often take a bad wrap in the big picture. They have to be the authority figure.
However, as much as I questioned that in spite of all the above. I have figure out my dad is poison. He is the blackness that fills my heart sometimes and I hate the idea of being anything like him.
Jack had a collection of porn magazines that filled a whole wall of our garage as a kid growing up; all of which I had access to. There was Hustler Magazine, OUI, Playboy and so many more. Friends would come over and we would pour through them.
He made his own porn, too. I found images with my mom which I have thankfully managed to block out of my brain.
He made a stop motion fuck-flick with Stepmom#2 I came across on video.
That was just the top of the heap… he was all about sex and hos own selfish sedation.
He had a secret panel in his office where he hid porn too. Ugh… I was a nosey fucking kid.
According to my Uncle Chuck, I decided to come out to all when I was 13 and visiting family in Illinois. For the life of me I do not recall this.
This was about the time my parents were set to divorce and I do not know what came first. I am sure I was looking for attention… still doing these things today.
Maybe it was then he and I lost each other?
I went with my dad when I was a kid to help clean up the house his parents lived in; my grandfather had long since passed but my grandmother was passing or passed at this time.
jack showed me a PILE of Jack Daniels bottles under the house he said was all from his dad. This was what he wanted me to remember about my grand-dad; and it’s all I got of him.
I remember being at the airport with my mom and dad… there was something wrong with my grandmother or she had just passed. I was emotional…
Jack shook me and yelled at me telling me I was being stupid and had no right to act the way I was.
I am still stunned by that event and cannot remember the dialog clearly, but the imprint is still there.
Time for this and a lot of these things to just go away.
While I was in the Air Force I changed my name to [edited out] because I did not want his name.
I am considering changing it again, but legally when the day permits. It’s not a name I am proud of by any means.
He made me hate using it… embarrassed to use it.
There is this strange happenstance where my dad and his sister were not talking to each other for years. I wondered if they had much the same relationship my biological sister and I had.
At some point they seem to have made peace… doubt that will ever happen between Lynn and I. There was a time when she looked up at me… it was a short time… but I probably killed that with some of my other stupid behavior as a kid.
I did a lot of stupid shit. My sister saw a lot of it. She was given plenty of reasons to hate me.
The divide between us is, in my opinion, my parents fault squarely. I don’t think my mom is in the same space she was back then, but ol’ dad will never change.
I wondered if Jack transfered the dysfunction of his childhood right on to us. I wondered if he fed that for his own gratification; a selfish ego who never got to appreciate a child hood.
The irony of all my stupid shit that I actually did, the one thing she holds against me is something she made up in her head.
I have been a complete asshole in my life, but I was emulating someone. When I lost Adolfo and started taking inventory a lot of things began changing inside; but as much as things change too many remain the same.
You know there is a day when I was driving Lynn to an orthodontist appointment and we were talking… it was a day I realized I was not living up to be the brother she needed.
(long pause)
I can see her face that day in my head.
I’ve re-read this page several times today and then add something to it… longest blog ever.