just sayin more

I have not been posting in the last couple weeks because some of the things weighing heavily on my mind have been more dramatic sounding then they are worth. There has been good things going on and bad things. All of which is adding up to me feeling very unhappy again.
The largest sword hanging over my head is a lack of money in my life and my ability to pay most of my bills. I was maintaining breathable air up until a month or so ago – I have officially sunk below the surface of the water. There is nothing I can do about any of it.
I ran a fundraiser last weekend and was completely blown off by a majority of the people I know. Strangers gave me more support and encouragement than people I though would not let me down. I am standing there with shit all over my face and a sad sense that I fucked myself hard and dirty. What a dumb-fucker I am. Damn, stupid mother-fucker who once again put faith in people only to be run over again.
Again and again.
Needless to say money I invested in setting up the fund raiser was money I did not have or committed to the wrong people.
NOW, I have the green light from Burning Man and have to get busy on the art installation. I have 2.5 months to get this item created… it’s very possible. Do I have the resources to accomplish this… oh lordie.
So, last night was a night of pure bliss. I got to see so many Burners out and shared in so many hugs and kisses and devine moments of pure happiness. Being around Burners feels good. I feel like one of the cool girls of the sorority house who’s pretty. Not like the real world where I feel like a discarded doll with stuffing coming out of the side of it’s head.
UGH! It all sounds very Brittney Spears… I mean bi-polar.
Fact is I am a miserable old fucker plotting along trying to get ahold of something here. I am starting to feel like I am done with Las Vegas again. Not even the Burners I consider family can raise me out of this funk.
I went out to lunch with a guy today and had nothing in common with him. Egh… no passion. Nothing excites him. It is enough for him to get out of bed every day. And he was just not attractive on any level.  …sigh.