thoughts

I am waking up on Tuesday feeling more like the blob than an action hero. I remember when – not so long ago – nothing could get in my way. I remember when my self confidence was like steel and other people’s negativity was like rubber bullets.
Somewhere I turned into this paper man carved out of a 1970’s brown grocery bag. In past blogs I blamed my father for a lot of this… but this deflation of me can’t be levied on anyone but myself. This inaction is a process of slowing down over the last year.
I live for my Burning Man stuff. I challenge myself with my little projects. I dream and fantasize about a better tomorrow… in the end I am sloth and I am envy.
Moments, like this in reflection, I feel so much disdain for myself. I feel my failure and my own ruin. And when I see those guys and women on the side of the road holding a sign begging for free money I feel a chill running through my bones.