sundayOver

So, earlier today I saw a picture of Sam on myspace and I thought… only he can look that good in a hospital bed where he is with his health these days. I talked to him through facebook a little later. He was so tired. He has also stopped taking ALL of his meds and so I am thinking he has just given up. I was talking to John John about it today and I can understand. I think I might feel the same way. But I feel like I am sitting here and I don’t want to go to another freinds funeral. But I will.

These days are harder, but I am still much more fortunate than a lot of people out there. I am blessed that in I can still live and breath with the zest that I have inside of me. I get unemployment right now which is a fraction of what I was earning. I hate getting unemployment, but since I was not prepared to be job hunting I had to get ready.
My portfolio site is nearly ready at www.art23design.com and my printed items are just getting there too. Yo should see my new business cards! For cooking AND a card for my online work. I can do so much.
So, I’ve thought a lot about giving up as well. It’s been hard. I’ve fallen more times than I can count. I feel like I am a complete – I mean complete failure in my parents eyes. My sister was this golden child and she is just so blessed and I am this opposite thing.
I spent much of my life trying to reconcile something inside of me to them. Mostly my dad… to be honest. I was a horrible brother to my sister – a real fuck-wad. I was her enemy from birth and then when she lied about a fight her and I had I was glad to have a reason to be done with her.
It’s been almost 15 years or so since I said more than a couple words to her. And recently I told my dad to jump in a lake too. How long can a person be that shadow?
I can’t tell you how many times he said to me I was a piece of shit or told me I was not worthy of his name. Well, good news. Your only son is a fag and your name dies with him. He got what he wanted.
I wrote him off in December only for the reason that I owed him nothing. He owes me nothing. I can;t ever be what he wanted. I was never good enough.
People do not understand. So when asked about Jack … he’s a ghost.
…Boy – was that a tangent or what???? Shit!!! ha ha ha