Yesterday, I started thinking again. I meditate some times and I get a little vision of the present from outside of myself looking in. I have a hard time seeing myself which is why I value other people’s opinions some times. Like, there have been times when my parents tel me something about my younger years I do not know presently and it stuns me. I wish I had an example!

Now, do not get me wrong… there are a lot of people who want to tell me about ME and they are usaully assholes. Bitter queens with a bad attitude… “you’re fat”, “you got a big ass”… etc… someone told me I was “thick” or “mean”… I know some people say I am mean because I can be too honest and can tell someone something they did nt really want to know.

I know my POV is clearly not always the same POV as other people. I say “so-n-so” is dumb as a stump, but other people say she is “nice”. Is this person in denial ignoring the fact they she is stupid or are they more focused on her nice-ness?

Like me, am I mean or am I too honest?

And, where does the word “evil” come from? What is evil? I am a good person who has a good heart and a desire to help people. Yet, I am bad in many sinful ways. Today I was thinking about the seven deadly sins:

1. Pride: I am full of this. My id overwhelms my commonsense more times than it shold It showed this morning for sure! I had a bad temper-tantrum on the car.
2. Envy: if only there was a cure.
3. Anger: Also answered in #1.
4. Greed: If it were not for greed I would have left Vegas a long time ago. I am here to earn money and enrich my life with more stuff.
5. Sloth: getting there….
6. Gluttony: I am 30#’s over weight.
7. Lust: it’s me.

So, I have some to terms I am a big sinner. If I swollow the whole bible thumper crapola I am off to hell in a firey handbasket. The Jews might be thinking somewhere along the same lines. The freekin’ Muslims already killed me, what can I say????

So, am I a bad person? Am I evil? If I am eeeeeeeeeeeeeee-vil then how do I not be evil? Do I follow Pope Gregory’s list as the “don’ts” for the rest of my days?

See, I have this idea that G*d wants us to make the most out of life. It includes traveling, loving, exploring, and more. Right now I am not doing much of any of that. I am feeling very frustrated and adrift.

Suppose all of that crap from above is leading to something? I am not sure where I am going or where I am at. I have passions and none of them are spawning any real fruit. I am spinning in my own shit, really, and feeling upset.

I love cooking and want to mark achievements in that. I love working with computers, web sites, and stuff. You know me… I have many talents. BUT, shouldn’t I be working hard on one of them or is my genious too big for it?

I took a IQ test once and it was a very high score. Is that really good? Is there something for me in the big picture? Is ANYBODY listening?