Keith, if you’re reading this, then you should know we missed out on applying for Amazing Race 7. Last night I saw the announcement for the applications and I went on-line today…. well, they applications with a video tape are due today. Ugh! This would have been fun to do, huh?

Anyway, last night I made dinner for friends. I made my favorite dish in individual portions. I love Beef Wellington. I added a goose terrine to it and bought Choice steaks from a sirloin… oh my god. There is a huge difference in beef with government inspections versus beef without it. I also made a cream corn, mashed yam… for desert I made domes of caramel creme brulee with a carmelized sugar drizzle, wine poached bosch pear, and a pipe of meringue torched on the plate for decoration.

So, we know another couple we want to invite next week. I want to make a crown of lamb (lamb crown roast) with all the appropriate accoutrements…. sound good? Jelous?

My Thoughts:

So… my brain has been working overtime again. My auger compass has been spinning… I am lost on my path of life… anyone see any signs?????

I was certain about where I was going to go in my career. That lasted about 20 minutes. Then something happens making one doubt one’s-self.

Plan: Go to school and get my BS in Information Technology. In the meantime, get certain job related certications so that I can pump up my resume even more and find the ideal IT job in January 2005. Graduate with my BS by January 2006. All the while, work part time in the Culinary Industry in a savory kitchen either paid or unpaid.

Whats gone right with that plan?: I registered with University of Phoenix and signed up for the Bachelor’s program in IT. I also called CEI about their certifcation program and will be talking to them later today*. I also have a fully updated resume on Monster.Com that looks quite remarkable. I have a lot of expereince in IT and it seems silly on touse the vallue of that????

Whats gone wrong with the plan?: I have really enjoyed making pastry. In fact, when I get training on new recipes and concepts with some of the supervisors at work I feel really excited, because I believe I do quite well at the Venetian. It gives me pause when I get that excited about working with food that I am doing the right thing.

My problem is that the Culinary field is a young persons career. You need a lot of strength and stamina to stay in it. You need to make a lot of sacrifices for time and self-esteem. I worked my way through the IT field to a certain point befopre I stepped away to explore this career and I am left feeling more stunned, numb and confused than anything else.

I want to own a restaurant and do all the work associated with it. I am willing to make all the sacrifces with owning a restaurant, etc… I would like to have a show on the food network or some other independant channel. I think that would be fun. Whether you think I am deluded or not is not important to me… I can do whatever I set myself to accomplish.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnyway… I find writing in this journel to be very theraputic. It allows me to take the layers of thoughts in my head and transmit them to “paper” as it were. The fact that I broadcast them out to all of you is a complex phsychological paradox that is in my head. Gary is like the voice of god with his feedback that boosts me. My toxic buddy Allan tries to do much the same thing… but he is undergoing his own transmutation into a new outlook. My biggest surprise for great feedback lately has been my ex-BF Brian who recently gave me some phenomenal advice.

So, which brings to mind another point. I was watching Regis and Kelly today and Jeff Probst was guest hosting with Kelly. They discussed a survey that 36% of people have regrets in life usually associated with a past love. For me it’s true….

Adolfo and I broke up in 1994 after seeing each other for 1 year-ish. I

never forgot him and regretted that we did not get along so well back then; I

had expectations that he could not meet.

Pete and I dated for a few months in 1995(?) and I loved him so much. His

best freind and I could not get along and it was affecting our relationship.

Last I heard Pete was living in New Jersey… we talked and updated each other

in 1999 or 2000 and I think that ember has cooled for me and for him.

John from San Francisco is someone I cared a lot for and I hurt very badly.

I cheated on him.

James from Northridge, CA was someone I fell in love with. I met him at a

sex club of all places and really clicked. I held onto the idea of him wanting

me back for years after until I finally realized he was not coming for me. I

moved to Boston right after we broke up.

Then there was Brian… my ex while I was in Boston. We broke up in 1999

after seeing each other a year. The reasons we broke up were valid, but it

seemed that all those reasons changed when his next BF put him through the same

things I felt he put me through. Brian even commented to me about it once…

well, I expected him to come back to me for almost 3 years after we broke up. I

find him in my heart even to today, but I know it will never come to pass.

My point in this ramble is that Jeff Probst said, from Kelly and Regis, that he never looks backward in regret and that he always looks forward. I know that is ONE of my issues which probably even brought Adolfo and I together today. I can learn something from that, because there will always be someone out there if I want that.

I think Adolfo and I would have broken up if I was not concerend about my own feeling of regret and doubt about what I want versus what I think I want. I have been wrong when I broke up with Brian, and James and I broke up, and when John and I fell apart, I was wrong sooooooo many times.

Before Adolfo there was Ronnie who died without knowing how much I loved him. We broke up when I shold have done more to resolve our problems. He was often not a nice guy, but I never gave him much of a chance. Hell I was younger and even more stupid back then.

What a quandary, huh?

So, I am sorry to all of you for being so back and forth over the board. I hope the continuity of the ramble was not too far off stream. You think that maybe one day I will have my shit together? Will I ever be happy? Can I ever be happy? Would I even know what that is?