Sometimes I feel very lost in this world. Sometimes I feel like I wish I was not here. Sometimes I feel like I am so alone and in spite of Adoldo being around or hundreds of people in the gym, around, whatever… I would give my right arm to be with my freinds at a BBQ or something like that.

Most of my life I had someone that close around that I was not sleeping with… which is a key diffrence. In high school I had Terry (Hi Terry: he pops into my board once in a while), then after the air force I was often with Ed: ToplessEd who almost never reads my diary, and in Boston I had pals Rick and Maureen.

What I would not give to have access to these people again on a regular basis and to be able to pop open a BBQ on a Sunday afternoon like today. Have a beer, and just fickin’ chilll out.