I am realizing that I feel and think about some things different lately. I am constantly under pressure to make ends meet and find myself coming up short a lot. I hope life does not continue this way until the day I drop dead???? I’m at heart attack age and damn I should have had one already. As you may or may not have read, I am under the gun to make a big debt right now. It’s not huge, but $6000.00 is a lot to someone like me. On the other hand, as fast as money comes in (no matter what amount) there always seems to be someone (some company) with their hand out.

I am no different than anyone out there. I see people around me in all directions who seem to have a better grip than I do. Truth is I can take care of these debts, but my strategy is falling on deaf ears. I caulculated a loan for the whole project I want to pay off as $12,000.00 to pay off my “big debt” with 2 smaller debts and I can pay it back. My smaller debts include paying off my pick-up truck as well therefore my debt will be on big one. Consequently this will clear up 2 big items on my credit bureau.

I have been doing some relfection as well. I am always doing that, ya know. My head has always been in the future. My head is always at what is coming. I alm always anticipating the future where my life will be better. You must understand what that means. It is the distince opposite of what a person “stuck in the past” is. You know what I mean, that person who still listens to music from the 60’s and is still wearing the tye die shirts and love beads with Birkenstocks. No, I am not wearing a silver suit or anything like that!

You see… I have heard from horoscopes to psychics to visions that I was going to be wealthy in my later years. YEAH YEAH YEAH I am not the might Kreskin (however you spell it). It just seemed so logical that I am spending the first half of my life in financial chaos, but I am learning from my mistakes. I am also learning about what not to repeat. the truth is I learned a lot of my finances from my mom who never learned how to manage her money at all. I worry for her as she nears retirement. At this pace I will never have a secure future for myself or the person I love.

I have some issues about my parents too, that I think I will discuss tomorrow. But the point of this entry is that I am losing the battle and just a week ago I was so upset I thought I would be completely ruined over it. I need to do something more solid in my life and here I am at 37 ywears old and I still do not have my shit together. I told Adolfo last week that there is the possibil;ity I may never be able t provide the way I want to and that I may never be a good, secure boyfriend and he did not seem fased. Love is blind, isn’t it?

My only hope to get this done is to find an Angel and mentor. My parents can’t be bothered. Allan, my rose colored glass wearing biz partner, is constantly supporting my delusions. He can’t help either. I am still trying.

So, finances are what has been bothering me for a while. Sorry to sound so fucking boring.